To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

Why kiss someone if you aren't up for romance, a snog is romantic u less he'd snog anyone of his pals. What a jerk! Doesn't sound like it has traction as a relationship but no way should you apologise.

I agree

Yes, I used the term led on too, and I didn't mean sex either, but that he's been on multiple dates and isn't looking for anything romantic. Whar were the dates for then?

Just leave it now op.

you were both probably too drunk for sex. And yes no one should feel entitled to sex due to some making out and arse feeling. If the genders were reversed it would seem a bit rapey. However his behaviour is odd if he wasn’t looking for anything romantic, I suspect he panicked a bit when you asked him to have sex with you as he was too drunk.

just leave it now, I suspect too much alcohol ruined this whole thing.

I think he said that because something happened on the date to cause him to go off her (and by 'happened', it may just be that his feelings changed). And he said this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by saying 'I've gone off you/I don't fancy you anymore", etc.

A snog isn’t always romantic, it’s a physical attraction thing, which is different.

This thread has blown my mind. I can't believe most people are saying this man is in the wrong for kissing her and then backing off and not having sex with her.

Honestly I had no idea that a drunken kiss meant an obligatory future relationship and sex.

When did this become a rule?

So if a woman kisses a man she has to put out?

He might already have a girlfriend, so maybe concentrate on meeting someone who treats you well.

I think it's fine, correct even, for him not to want sex that evening. It's not so fine to be dating if he's not looking for "anything romantic".

Mate, he’s the twat. He shouldn’t have kept dating you and kissed you passionately if not interested.

If he decided after that he didn’t want to pursue (fair enough) he should have been polite about it and told you when sober.

You’ve absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You behaved well. Asked consent.

Yeah, this. I'd have been shagged and married a thousand times over if I thought every drunken snog and fun night out meant that.

Am I the person on the thread who thinks that the OP accusing him of leading her on is the female equivalent of calling him a "cost tease"?

It's him, not you. Shame on him for leading you. You did everything right, and thank god you invited him to your house. If you didn't he would have kept stringing you along for weeks. Well done, be proud and go lick your wounds. (I've been there, it's horrible to be refused, but that's part of life. I like to think that only brave women get refused 😉 And it saves us a lot of time)

Yeah I’m not sure, going on 4 dates doesn’t mean you’re entitled to a relationship or sex. Either party can change their mind at any time.

clearlh he didn’t handle it well and I assume alcohol played a big part in that, as quite frankly neither did she.

I have a single male friend, he’s late 50s, who uses on line dating, it’s shocking the amount of women he’s went on a first date or even a few dates, with who genuinely seem to beleive that as they texted and called before hand , met up, they are now entitled to a full blown relationship and get the right arse if he says it doesn’t have a future, even when he’s very very careful and clear, they still think it, think angry, weeping women. And I know him. He’s not in there promising the earth, just things like shall we meet and get to know each other, see if this has legs kind of thing.

on saying that, he did handle it badly as he clearly decided he wasn’t going to progress this to a relationship, so should have been clearer earlier.

I disagree with many of the replies, I think he's been a dickhead. It's not the same as a man accusing a woman of leading him on.

Please stop giving yourself a hard time about not being sexy. It's not that. If it was why was he bothering with the dates?

He's got something else going on with him and he hasn't been honest about it. Saying he's not looking for anything romantic is plain weird.

I know it's disappointing but I would forget about him. You don't need that sort of a headmelt in your life.

No you aren't. I thought the same and there are about three others too.

I think the poster is saying he has led her into thinking he wants something romantic by kissing her. Not that he should be forced to have sex because he kissed her

Yeah don’t do that, of course it’s the same. We don’t get to call out men’s behaviour we don’t like whilst doing it ourselves and bleating but it’s different for us. If we don’t want men to do it, then neither do we.

He bruised your ego but you didn't do anything wrong here. He has led you on and you asked him to be honest with you. Forget him and just remember, this too shall pass - you have a hangover and beer fear, tomorrow is a new day!

I would make sense of this to myself by saying that "I'm not looking for anything romantic" is not actually the case, it was just his clumsy way of saying he didn't want to have sex with you.

It could be so many reasons...he's commited to someone else, has issues/anxiety around sex, fancies you but doesn't want to get into a relationship and has some sort of moral compass because he realises you want more than he does, or the classic he's just not that into you.

I would also be embarrassed and dwelling on it massively because that's just who I am, but as a rational bystander I can tell you you really SHOULDN'T be embarrassed, and just have to try to chalk it up to experience and move on. It is absolutely not a reflection on you in any way! You and he were just not meant to be.

I think it would have been fine for him to say it was too soon for him or felt rushed or even that the heavy drinking meant he didn't want to take things further that night. But to say he's not looking for anything romantic? That's the bit that I find odd - why date you if he's not looking for anything romantic?

Yeah I agree! He does owe you an apology for leading you on, if he wasn't looking for anything 'romantic' the time to tell you that was on your first date, not after several. This is not your fault OP, he hasn't behaved well here and isn't good enough for you.

I disagree. He is fully entitled to decline sex if he wants to at any point, and regardless of what he has previously consented to. No one should ever be blamed for 'leading on' when they decline sex.
The OP has nothing to be ashamed of for asking and the guy is not at fault for refusing. The only fault lies with OP levelling the accusation at him, as she should have respected his no with good grace, as I'm sure she'd have expected if she kissed a man then later refused sex herself.

"cock tease", sorry!