To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

Absolutely this. Not everyone wants to have sex after four dates. And frankly any man worth dating shouldn’t be having sex for the first time with someone who was so drunk they’ve got the “worst hangover”.

I'd thank your lucky stars that you have swerved this headfuck of a weirdo. You did nothing wrong, and he deserved to be called out. You'll feel a lot better once the hangover subsides.

obviously I feel bad about this. It's a result of feeling lonely for romantic company and no sex for a year AND thinking things were going somewhere between us.

I don't like leaving him with the thought I pressured him. So that's the only reason I feel I maybe need to say something but I don't know what - as I feel I shouldn't be taking full responsibility.

If you’ve been dating someone for a few months, you’re well within your rights to feel hurt when they suddenly say they don’t want anything romantic. He absolutely didn’t owe you sex, but that’s a separate issue. After spending months getting to know someone, of course that rejection is going to sting.

Jeez - imagine if a woman said she’d kissed a man but refused sex and was then being accused of leading him on! One thing does not have to lead to another. I don’t think you need to be embarrassed for asking but your reaction to him saying no was OTT.

Throw this one back into the sea.

Im really uncomfortable with the "leading you on" comments.

Well whats done is done, if it ever comes up in future, him gloating (dont take the bait and get defensive or hurt), diminish it that you were drunk and over it by the time you got a kebab later!

Oh, it's you.

Please ignore this one OP.

agree it was OTT - should I say to him sorry my reaction was OTT it was a rsult of drinking far too much?

hard to know what to say now

You didn’t pressure him. You asked, he said no and you said your feelings were hurt because he doesn’t want anything romantic.

Sounds like mind games. Just put it down to experience and move on. Personally I wouldn't have any further contact with them.

No, just leave it now.

Do not message him.

He doesn’t seem to know what he wants. It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t go home with him.

He obvs does fancy you otherwise he would’ve not gone out with you. I think the fact that he declined sex with a drunk woman is absolutely to his credit. A more unscrupulous man would’ve jumped into bed with you no questions asked.

But I do appreciate it’s embarrassing. I would send him a message saying that you had too much to drink, you acted out of character and you apologise for any embarrassment caused. And leave it at that.

Just because you kissed doesn’t mean he is ready for sex. Am I missing something.
not all bloke are ready for a shag with a almost stranger. Slow down.

Leave him alone

It sounds to me like he wanted sex but could sense that you want more, so didn't go through with it

But I don't think people meant he was "leading you on" with regards to sex. If a man asked a woman if it was ok to kiss her and she just wanted friendship I would expect her to say no. In fact I have done just that! There's no way he didn't know you thought you were on romantic dates with the hand-holding.

This isn’t a you problem. The guy sounds off. Why on earth is he dating you, going on a night out with you and kissing you if he “doesn’t want anything romantic”?? Everything you did sounds perfectly natural. You’ll feel better once the hangover subsides and you realise you dodged a bullet. There’s no point trying to analyse his behaviour or let it bruise your ego too much. Dating is tough, you’ll have to just shrug your shoulders and move on from this one.

it's hard to do this without looking like im taking all responsibility though isnt it?

How do I word it

I think it could be a good exercise for you to re-read you message and swap the pronouns so it reads like you’re a man talking about a night out with a woman.

If you reverse the scenario, I think you’ll see how absolutely OK it was that he drew a boundary wherever he wished.

It hurts your ego and that makes you feel all sorts of things (I’d be exactly the same, most people would), but he wasn’t obliged to take things further if he didn’t want to.

I’d just be gentle with yourself while your ego and hangover recovers and move on. ❤️

Ahh I've done a very similar thing OP and it still makes me want to crawl into a hole ten years later. Throw this one back though.

Agree with those saying the hangxiety is exacerbating this. But I also think you did the right thing because you wanted to move things forward.

You did nothing that needs an apology; he’s allowed not to want sex but you’re allowed to suggest it. I would look at this as him doing the right thing in not sleeping with you if he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you, but that he could have been more honest about that when you had the ‘where is this going’ conversation.

If you feel you must message, don’t put an apology, but you could thank him for being honest albeit a bit late in the process! And maybe say you’ve enjoyed his company but it’s clear you want different things.

You were honest about your hurt last night, and if he went cold it’s understandable that you told him. Then just let it go and accept whatever comes up next. You might not hear from him again, or you might, but he has definitely given you mixed messages and so I would take the decision now to step back from whatever this is. It isn’t what you want and that’s what matters.

What do you think he should take responsibility for?

You were drunk. Not everyone wants to have drunk sex and, hard as it is to believe in this day and age, not everyone wants to have sex after a first or second date anyway.

I wouldn't be impressed by someone accusing me of leading them on because we'd had a snog and a bit of a fumble.

So apologise for that if you want 'resolution'. Accept that he has said he doesn't want to get involved with anyone at the moment. Then move on. There'll be someone else out there for you.