To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I’m not sure what he has to make amends for, other than walking slightly ahead when looking for a taxi. It was clearly not much further ahead as you could still communicate with him and you both proceeded to walk partially home together as couldn’t find one.

im genuinely not sure what else he has to make amends for, kissing you and not wanting sex? Not wanting a romantic relationship? You can’t seriously still be thinking he needs to apologise for not wanting sex or a relationship?

your other threads are clear, even you didn’t know of this was just friendship and they don’t sound like dates to me either, and they didn’t to you when they occurred hence your other threads,

im glad you’re feeling better but I’d really move on and not try to reframe this into something it wasn’t,

Glad you’re feeling better OP. I think his behaviour was very strange and he was certainly giving you mixed messages. Try to just move on now and chalk it up to experience. Good Luck

Considering you liked him so much, and you have mutual friends so might bump into him again, if it was me I would message him again. What have you got to lose really?

You said you didn't respond to his last message as there was no need but he may be taking that as you no longer wanting any communication or friendship?

Both of you had been drinking so he may have been acting out of character too - got a bit/scared panicky for whatever reason.

Why not just send a little note saying something like 'hope you're having a nice weekend' and see how/if he responds. If it's very non committal or he doesn't reply at all then you can leave it, but at least you tried.

I wouldn't be with my husband, the love of my life, if I hadn't persevered, he was hard work to start with.
Good luck

Don’t do this op. It’s like asking for more heartache and is properly desperate looking, you know his last message was a conclusion. You don’t need to be rejected twice.

This and what @SashaRose said

This guy may have seemed exceptionally attractive to you so it seems you were putting him on a pedestal a bit.

The timing wasn't great either with being in touch for 2 weeks before having this perfect first meet that took all day.

If someone likes you, you
text them saying you're working like a dog and can only meet for a quick cup of tea on your schedule, and they respond immediately agreeing and spend the time encouraging you. They want to give you lifts or help you move boxes.

You're not having fancy dates doing things THEY enjoy all the time. And you're not wasting your own time worrying if they like you or not as they're super-reliable in contact.

You say you've had successful dates with men who like you - focus on finding and developing more of these.

Even if there's less "chemistry". A lot of good men don't present well in terms of chat and being " arty" but if you suggest something intellectual they'll happily accompany you.

It does seem a little like you're trying to get people building this light friendship into something it wasn't.

The guy literally tried to dump a drunk woman at 2 am on the street. He is not a catch. I am glad that it worked out for you, however, this guy actively told op he doesn’t want anything romantically or sexually from her. There’s no mileage in this.

Have you heard the phrase "he's just not that into you"? And now you know. Disappointing perhaps but just move on. There's nothing to see here.

When single I read date like a man - it was really good.

All the best op he really do think you've dodged a bullet. Also when I was dating the mutual friend ones were the worst behaved.

So you’d purposely fall in love with someone who says he’s into men? Setting yourself up for failure.

Why?
You do know bisexual and gay are two different things, right?

I wasn’t sure if this was a “bi people are really gay” post or a “bi people are incapable of real relationships” post.

the biphobia and bi erasure in parts of this thread is unbelievable.

Sure sure. Carry on making this thread all about you and your issues and insecurities instead of the scenario OP posed.

Hi, I've been following this (because I'm nosy!) and I just wanted to say that it sounds as if you have you''ve had a really hard time with all of this, and I'm glad to say I haven't read any of those horrible replies it appears you've had from other women. You were the one who was there, as you say, it is your lived experience. I'm sorry you've been let down on this occasion, but as you say, your lifestyles are pretty different, so maybe it wouldn't have been a long term goer. Not that that's particularly helpful! Have a good weekend :) x

update: he messaged me.

Said he really enjoys spending time together and would like to keep doing it but thinks we need to stop drinking. He then asked if I wanted to come with him to a concert next week.

I'm uncertain whether he means as a friend or romantically. I haven't replied yet.

I think it would be a bad idea to accept on either basis. You can do better than someone you're constantly second guessing - you're "uncertain whether he means..." in your latest post.

Also the "we need to stop drinking" would get up my nose - he's no right to make rules for you (even ones you agree with) and the likelihood of him sticking to it for himself sounds like nil from what you've said about him. There are so many red flags here and the more time you waste on this bloke the longer you are away from meeting someone who clearly shows you how into you he is so that you have no doubt about it.

@formigas I'm sure he means not drinking when we're together (not full stop, obviously I'll drink if I want). It seems a bit nuclear even when together though as we'd had about 7 drinks! But maybe not for him.

I don't know. I have missed him. This situation caused me a lot of angst. Need to think about it today.

I think you should just ask him what he wants. But you probably wouldn’t get a straight answer. If you were to see him and then just feel rejected and miserable again afterwards that would not be good. I think you need some distance from him, hard as it may seem now.

“Thanks for your message Kenneth, I enjoy your company too. However, it seemed after our last meeting that we are looking for different things?

I would just like to know what you are asking me for- casual company, a romantic relationship, a friendship? So that we’re both fully aware of where the boundaries are.”

If he doesn’t know, or he replies with something you aren’t looking for, then you can easily enough say “thanks for the offer, I am looking for something else / something a bit more concrete. Fond wishes, etc.” and leave it at that.

i agree with Bunny65, you don’t want him to mess you around.

@AmberCatz when do you for your pet sitting? If its coming up immediately might be better to put him off until then as I'm sure you'll get more perspective.

That said, you might also just want to have closure one way or the other.

Personally, I think he's a dick not worthy of you but perhaps you need to realise that yourself in order to move on.

If you do meet with him, I'd try and step back a little and observe his behaviour with greater perspective. Things may become more obvious to you now you've had time and a lot of outside perspectives.

Ultimately, does your Outlook on life match his? If not however many good qualities he might have, it's a waste of your time. And in your 30s that matters. This type of angsty dating is for your 20s.

And I don't know why you are so hard on yourself. You sound bloody amazing- and it's possible he finds you intimidating for knowing what you want because it doesn't sound like he does. He's a massive bundle of contradictions but that's on him to sort.

I think you really need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself why you are entertaining this guy at all?

Go back and read through this entire thread and how badly he treated you and how bad he made you feel

I agree with this. I' had a few dates with a guy and nothing happened, just having fun and chatting, then when I did go back to his, we started kissing and it was bad, I felt nothing and when he suggested sex I said no as I just wasn't feeling any chemistry at that point. He went in a huff and left me in the bedroom for an hour, came back and asked if was ready for sex now and when I again said no, he disappeared again. I just left in the morning without seeing him again.
Sometimes you need to kiss someone to see if there's anything there
Hope your feeling a bit better though x

Well if hes asked you out again after showing a lack of interest last time it either means a) hes dicking you around and just wants an ego boost or b) he genuinely wants a friendship with you. I dont believe he wants anything sexual/romantic because he knocked you back last time. What do you want OP? I think you want something romantic dont you? Thats not going to happen. So without that, do you want a friendship? I wouldn't because my ego would be too bruised, and Id be butt hurt, and i would worry I would be looking for chinks of interest and it would drive me nuts. Unless you could fully accept a friendship from him, Id just respond by saying you want different things and best to leave things where they are but no hard feels. You have mutual friends as you say, so you need to keep it amicable.

OP, he's 100% suiting himself.
Best move on.

Send a breezy thanks but no thanks, I am busy message, and see you around.

You can then hold your head up if you do run into him.

Best to move forward.

Going back for another round with him is frankly a bit masochistic IMO.

"we should stop drinking"?? He's the one with the drinking problem, please don't date alcoholic arseholes. You can't fix him and you don't need a man project.

Do you not believe you deserve better than someone who leaves you hanging for a week and a half? I bet someone else rejected him and he's just breadcrumbing you to keep you keen.

He has nothing positive to offer.

Honestly it seems you are determined to be locked into your "relationship/friendship" with this guy who clearly doesn't care about your feelings.

It doesn't seem like he's part of your friend group in any meaningful sense.

You barely know him, you might have enjoyed some of the time you had together, but you've had angst after every meet (!). Is it chemistry, or is it anxiety which makes you think you have feelings?

You don't have to agree to every social suggestion if it doesn't suit you.

A concert is expensive and will take up an evening and is a socially high investment activity.

So you'll be obsessing over this when you really should be making opportunities to meet new men. Or doing self care and glow up stuff.

You need to drill down on why you seem determined to keep doing this to yourself and acting like a bit of a passive martyr.

Men and women can definitely be friends (even after some romantic ambiguity) but it sounds like you like him too much for that to happen. What happens when you find he's seeing someone else?

No-one is making you continue to socialise with this rather disrespectful guy. He's not going to turn into Mr Perfect and fall for you. If he's a billionaire and you're playing the long game fair enough but he can't be THAT attractive.

I'm not sure why you'd bother with someone who isn't all in.
I think he is just bored and you're his reserve. Don't let that be done to you