To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

Might as well admit to yourself that you like drama and angst and don't truly think you deserve anything better if you're actually considering spending any more time with this flip flopper. 🙄

I just wouldn't reply to him, it's all sounds like too hard work. He's bringing up not wanting to drink when it sounds like you weren't fussed about drinking and he wanted to go to bars etc. There's nothing wrong with wanting to meet a man and progress a connection into a relationship. I feel like you're wasting your time on this guy.

By saying 'We should stop drinking" he's recognising his part in what went down but he's not owning it and he's passing responsibility to you for managing his behaviour by involving you. He's also implying you have a problem that can't be managed except by abstinence which is quite a leap and bloody directive of him. I'd be very annoyed by this remark. He's also given you no indication of what he wants so you're no clearer re friendship vs a relationship which doesn't sit right with me. He's not said he'd like to talk about what happened; he just wants to move on. I think this one is trouble and I'd be keeping him at arms length. I'm sorry, @AmberCatz, because I know you find him really appealing and attractive on other levels.

@Frillysweetpea has summed it up* *@AmberCatz
I too thought "We should stop drinking." (since he was the one plying you with drinks) was an absolute cheek.

Maybe I'm reading far too much into it, but I just can't believe he's actually going to forgo the demon drink... and there will be shall we just have one cheeky little drink.. so that you are completely involved in the decision to drink. You will be responsible for it.

Should there be any behaviour you find upsetting, it can then be blamed on the "drinking" but he will turn around and say "But I did say that we should stop drinking. It's not my fault if you decided not to." etc.

He's really giving vibes of someone who keeps people on a string - pushing them away just to see if his amazing magmatism can pull them back again.

Don't forget He gave strong signals of interest in front of your friends, to show how charming he is, and then he walked ahead of you, leaving you alone on the street at 2.00 am without bothering to see that you'd got a safe lift home. Then he accepted your apology without ever bothering to take any responsibility for his part in the whole thing. It's left you upset about it for weeks. Sorry @AmberCatz x

Agree with others. Message back and ask him if he means romantically or as friends because you think that needs to be clear. Tell him you agree re drinking and you aren’t much of a drinker usually hence the situation you ended up in

This man is not going to make you happy.
End of. I’m sorry but you need to be told.

@AmberCatz remember how many threads you’ve started about him? This man is a head fuck. He means he misses the attention you give him.

Things didn’t work out with another iron he had in the fire. Get clarity on what he wants (friend/fling) if you’re seriously considering going back to flog this dying horse some more.

I would experiment with being extremely casual and "cool girl who loves herself" vibe.

Reply and say something like "You're too confusing! I think you're great but I can't hack it any more. See you around maybe xx" I would bet my arse that this kind of flippant seeming response would drive him MAD and he'd be back nagging at you to meet very quickly. And that's because he loves the game and can never love another human properly for whatever reason. He needs you to be at his whim not making any of the decisions.

You probably should stop drinking again though. It never helps does it and that next day regret is not something you want to allow yourself, it's like a repeated confirmation to yourself that you're stupid and not worth having a boyfriend who you're actually allowed to like!

Oooh yeh I like that. Write something like you've given it zero thought, very breezy, like 'Haha, - no way you are too confusing for me! Happy to see you around though. Laters x.'

I think he wants a genuine friendship.

By mentioning the stopping drinking, it makes it obvious that he doesn’t want a repeat of the beer goggles taking you back to a place he doesn’t want to go.

He sounds a nice bloke, the drink interfered with your friendship. He should have made it clearer where you stand. Perhaps he didn’t actually know until that night. Perhaps it was a good thing in that now you know where you stand.

Can you handle just a friendship with him?

i think he had a point about the drinking

He's the one with the drinking problem. Not @AmberCatz He's the one who kept buying her drinks and suggested moving on to another bar.

Here's the quote where she mentions this.

"while we were bar hopping he made a joke about having a 'problem' and he actually knew the bar staff in the first place really well because he's there so often. This clashes with me really because I don't mind a drink or two but this seems to be a big part of his life. It was for me 10 years ago but not anymore."

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff well, turns out he did avoid the demon drink when I met him last night - he told me he's doing 'Sober October'!

It didn't stop me from having an alcoholic drink but I did join him in having a couple of alcohol free drinks too. We had a fantastic night at a concert and again stayed until closing time at the bar although we weren't drinking properly - just goes to show it's not necessary for the connection.

anyway, it's time for me to move on from this romantically. Neither of us discussed what happened, and while there was physical affection and tight hugs, we didn't kiss again. I am very fond of him though and he said he wants to meet again soon.

I've decided to start dating others. I do want a genuine romantic connection with someone. Whether I'll find it remains to be seen!

He also dropped the bombshell that he's thinking about moving back to his home city where his family live next year. He has visited them a lot lately and he kind of seems homesick.

Good news is I got a makeover this week, so I felt amazing when I was out last night. Hopefully I can move past this and onto new pastures!

It's great that you had a nice evening, and everything went well. It's a good resolution and hopefully that means you don't have to worry anymore about the bad feelings from the previous outing and it all moved on in a friendly way.
Nice to have a makeover too!
Hope you enjoy your break away with a lovely dog to walk.

Onwards and upwards!

Gosh you are a braver woman than me. My pride would never had let me go out with him again. I wouldnt want him to think I was still an option for him.

Me too I’m afraid, and getting a make over could look like you were trying to attract him, only you know if that’s true, either wat yes, move on, for your sake,

I didn't do it for that reason - the makeover was long overdue and for my own wellbeing. I was also worried about a bruised ego but in person I found the dynamic didn't feel like that. I know others would've been more severe with walking away and I 100% understand.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yes, onwards and upwards! I expected some negative feelings leftover when meeting again but there were none. It surprised me. I'm feeling more positive about the future and happy to put the incident behind me. Thank you.

It's good you had a nice night but the power dynamic still seems very off.... you agreed to meet him doing something he specifically wanted to do, you're still seeing him as a potential romantic prospect...

Everything is about whether or not he wants to meet you or not.

Or how he feels. Or what he wants to talk about.

What about how awful you've felt this last week - having to plan trips to recover or crying on friends shoulders? Was your "connection" good enough so you could tell him openly?

It sounds like you're friends on his say-so only.

If you start dating others you definitely need to put this guy well behind you. Stop allocating so much quality time to him. Stop prioritising him socially....

If he'd valued your feelings he'd have phoned or contacted you to resolve things over a coffee, not waited a week to "decide" if he wanted to see you. Or you could have messaged him and he'd have made time.

If his chat is good you'll end up comparing every first date to him.

It doesn't matter if you meet any new potential dates or not (it can be hard in your 30s) you still need to detach from him.

It's a massive, massive turnoff if you start dating someone and they have a "friend" they are secretly attracted to. Especially if they're clearly at the "friends" beck and call.

I also think if you do want to meet someone op you need to not see this guy. I know you said you didn’t get a make over as you were seeing him, and you need to move on romantically, but it’s clear your attraction to him hasn’t gone, and when you’re still wishing to be with him, then no one else will compare.

you started several threads and got really obsessed with this guy, you then asked him for sex, got very upset when he declined, started a thread on here, another thread asked all your mates if he fancied you and then somehow got back in touch to do something he wished to do, and got a make over before seeing him

hes not the one, and the feelings you have, as they were so extreme, are not going to go away, right now you’re jist relieved you’ve got back to being in his orbit,

I agree with everyone who says you’re still hanging on with hope for something more.
it’s not going to happen.
Even if you do end up in bed with him! He’s not interested in a relationship. Step back!!!

Good luck with the dating @AmberCatz . Nice update 😊

This all sounds like teenager type stuff. Get a grip