To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

Don’t marry him. Otherwise you’ll have a lifetime of this. You have a DP problem.

For gods sake cancel the wedding

She's overpowering and overstepping because she's put out that her baby is now an adult! I have similar issues with mil and sil. It's a nightmare , they think they can have a say on EVERYTHING we do. I sometimes remind them that we are not children and we don't want their unsolicited advice & information. It's very tiring and I think the best thing you can do is move away as far as possible from her!! She will never listen and things will get worse if you have dc.

She sounds like an absolute drain- is she one of those people that is never happier than when they’re miserable?

Your partner was bang out of order inviting her to look at venues when a) she has form for being negative and b) more importantly you, the person he’s marrying, said not to. I wouldn’t marry him until he made some changes and stuck to them.

What would happen if you said 'why do you have to be so negative about our choices all time?' Out of interest? It sounds like she's never happy anyway.

This is your life forever. You are marrying a momma’s boy. It won’t change.

If he can't stand up to her now, he is unlikely to change in the future.

Add a baby in the mix (if that is something that is on the cards) and you are in all sorts of trouble.

Either that, or move far far away...

Run for the hills.

It would be a shame to let her affect the relationship, because we don’t have any other problems and have a great relationship. Not standing up to his mum or having any boundaries with her is his only fault really. I love him a lot and absolutely don’t want to end the relationship, I’m very very happy with him. We have been together for 8 years and I have constantly had problems with his mom throughout. But over the last year it’s become worse with the house and the wedding. I limit the time that I see her and try to get out of anything I can that involves her tbh because I can’t stand the comments. I want to say something myself but also think that this should come from my partner which is why I’m hesitant to do it.

My mil is negative. I just smile and nod nd ignore.

I forgot to answer your question! You are not unreasonable to want him to put his foot down but you may have to do it yourself.

If he's been like this for 8 years, he won't change. So yes, it may be down to you. Prepare for the fallout though if you do, people like this won't take it on board.

Am so sorry, she really is a negative person. Try not to let her suck the fun out of anything going further. Try the passive aggressive approach? 'I thought you'd find fault in that' whenever she disapproves of anything and just walk away.

You can't really insist he has a word with her. He doesn't have an issue with how she is, so if you do you will have to bring it up. I can't see it going down too well though and I am not sure it's in the best interest of your fiancé. Worst case, he will just be stuck in the middle of you two and it will negatively effect both relationships. She doesn't sound particularly reasonable so she won't just roll over and be understanding, she will just make you life slightly worse.

“Dear DH. I would like to live my life with you, for you and for our children, not your mother. I expect you to live with me, for me and for our children, not your mother. I have had eight years of her behaviour.

You have one last opportunity to tell her to pull her head in. After that, I will have my turn. Please be advised it won’t be pretty but I expect you to stand with me. Will you? Otherwise, I will be reconsidering my life plans.”

I think your DP loves his mother more than you, or is afraid of her, one or the other, maybe both.... because he does not have your back it seems.

You will be marrying his mother, not him and that type of mother will not accept ANY woman as the wife of her Golden Balls son anyway.

You didn't buy a house far enough away I think!

Your partner is the problem, not his mother. He's a son before he's a partner and that's not going to change. He's enmeshed with his mom.

Don't get married unless you like being second place in your marriage. If he values her so much, tell him you love him but he belongs at his mom's unless he wants to put you first. Mommy's Boys make awful husbands and you will die the death of a thousand cuts if you marry him.

So after she came to the wedding venue, did you explain to your DP that she did exactly what you said she would and she ruined the day for you with her comments? If he doesn't listen to her comments anyway, what does he want her there for? If he insists on involving her he is putting her feelings above yours. You need to tell him how this makes you feel and ask him how he will be different going forwards

Definitely NC territory. Move away and don’t tell her where. Well, until you want her to babysit, anyway.

You can accept she’s like this and just ignore it, call her out on it or have a conversation about it and tell her that all her comments seem to be negative and without any other suggestions, her comments are pointless.
If you stay with this man then expect this will happen unless you deal with it.

But you do have other problems, or will do, because the problem is your partners character which will continue to be a problem for your relationship. He is spineless, a coward, avoids conflict, and won’t stand up for you even if you’re upset by something. You aren’t in a relationship with his mother, she sounds a pain, but that shouldn’t be your focus. Your focus is whether you want a future with a man you know who has these traits. I wouldn’t, but I’m 50, have lived through a ‘nice guy’, got divorced and wouldn’t never touch one with a barge pole going forward.

Maybe next time he initiates sex ask him if he needs run it past his dm first..
And def don't give her a spare key.

We went nc with my mil when she tried to change the order at the hire shop for dh's wedding outfit.

Why are you expecting something to change magically after 8 years. He has shown you his relationship with his mum, you either need to accept it or end the relationship. It's not this has suddenly started happening, and in all honesty it won't now suddenly change when you get married, because of it was going to change it would have at some point in the past 8 years

She is more important than you to him.
He cares more about her, than you.
He brought her to the hotel despite what you asked.

You are mad to marry such a man.
You will always have issues and having children will be a disaster.

You will bitterly regret marrying him.

Honestly - this is a DP problem, he is consistently choosing to not respect your boundaries and to opt to prioritise pleasing his mother over you. He has shown where his loyalties lie, I would be having a frank conversation with him that this has to stop, he needs to speak with his mother, or else you cannot continue the relationship. At this stage do not get married unless you are prepared for a lifetime of putting up with this.

My MIL complained about every single choice I made. It’s incredibly wearing.
I did just ignore it, however when it starts being directed at your children it hits differently. So it is something that should be sorted now if you can.