To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

It's not unreasonable for you to want him to put his foot down.
But he has shown you several times that he won't.
This will be your life if you marry him.
Your choice.

If I were you, I'd put as much geographical distance between you aa possible..And then get hom to communicate with her with phonecalls. That way you have minimal contact. And you need to tell him to grow up and stop lazily letting her dominate for the sake of an easy life. I'd certainly get far away before you have children.

Your partner is the main problem here and I’d say things will only get worse after marriage, if it has continued for this long. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him - if he wants to get married, he needs to grow up and set boundaries with his mum. I would have serious doubts about the future of the relationship unless he is willing to make a change.

I would be able to smile and ignore it. Perhaps a few “well I didn’t expect you to like it” type comments might be thrown in. Just make sure that DP does NOT share any more wedding details. Tell him why. If she asks you just say that you want everything to be a secret because you do not want anyone saying anything negative and giving us negative energy.

I would be very wary of doing a gender reveal if you ever do have children. And for sure don’t discuss any names. People are very quick to judge.

OP you can’t change your MiL and it seems your DP won’t stand up to her either. The only thing you can do is change YOUR behaviour.
I think you need to push back way more and don’t be afraid of upsetting your partner, putting him in the middle or ‘embarrassing’ him. He needs to learn he can upset his mother or upset you, but he can’t give in to her / defer to her and expect you to put up with it.
In the venue example, I’d be more explicit. DP, I won’t go with your mother as she is so negative, so if you invite her, I won’t be coming. If he did I’d go on a different day (or go later by yourself and stay out of their way if it is only on for one day).
You say she fed back to ‘us’ everything she didn’t like about the house she visited. Take yourself off the WhatsApp groups and direct her back to your DP every time she communicates. Visit as little as possible. Go out if she comes around unplanned. Make her DP’s problem. If DP tells you that MiL has feedback about the house or anything else, tell him you don’t want to hear it as you know it will be negative.
Don’t accept her help or ask for it. Eg for the move, tell DP if he asks/ accepts his mum coming to help, he will be moving alone because you will go out for the day and leave them to it. He does not get to ignore your boundaries and force his mother on you.

Approach her politely, calmly and with curiosity-why does she feel negative? Is she worried about change? Tell her you appreciate her being involved and make her feel valued-this will be paid back in multitudes later, and bring your parents (or whoever you are close to, if they're not involved) so she feels part of it. Give her low stakes decisions to make, eg there's 2 cakes you like equally, get her to pick.
Praise her, and say how well she brought up her son-you have that in common. Women her age might be less likely to have had a choice of career/hobbies/lifestyle than you, so she probably feels threatened. You can be scathing, making the tired MIL apron strings jokes, and get upset, or you can be compassionate. Get to know her as a woman, not just a MIL, ask what she likes, what is she still aiming for in life?

You should say something. Which will be interesting not just in terms of how that changes things between you and her, but also how your DH responds. So as she's complaining constantly, challenge her, "MIL, this is our wedding. Why on earth are you so negative? We love this venue and it's OUR wedding."

The problem is that there's a fairly good chance your DH will be upset with YOU at that point. But that will be helpful too - perhaps it will show you the scale of the problem.

You don't need to leave your partner because his mum is a misery guts, plenty of people have crackers family! You cant choose family (or in laws)

I sympathise with you and just want to say that, you have a good man, albeit passive and not wanting to rock the boat with his mum.

Whats the dad like… maybe he would be able to speak to the mum about her ways?

keep you head up, we all have people we wouldnt choose in our lives

I would give him an ultimatum next time this happens, either he deals with it or you will. It will not go down well and expect tension from your DP and MIL but at least your MIL will know where you both stand. Sometimes people like this just need someone to say no to them, if your DP won't then it'll have to be you.

I think you need to politely set your own boundaries @Catsandcola

“It’s a shame you don’t like the venue, but we love it and it’s our wedding, please could you stop being negative”

”I love the flowers and so does DP, I know you don’t but telling me once was enough”

”we love the house, thank you”

Do not give her a key!

Maybe it’s is time to speak up yourself, not about everything, but pick your battles. If she starts spouting, be brave and say ‘We’ve decided that we ‘re doing this’, with emphasis on the ‘We’, as it shows a united front. Don’t be aggressive, but kill with kindness, so to speak. Maybe start with wedding info. Start controlling the narrative!

But its not coming from him is it ? And it wont in the future so you really need to speak up about what you want regardless if they like it or not.

Try it next time she starts then see how your DP reacts towards you when his mother displays anger that you spoke up or tells her son you are rude and disrespectful of her.

If he does not back you. you have your answer and insight into your future with them both .

First post nails it, you have a DP problem, if you marry him, if you are lucky enough to go on to have children, DP will be asking his mum about every little thing. Please don’t marry him.

this. I mean I'd run for the hills but if you are determined on this marriage then I would lay down a clear ultimatum that while it doesn't bother him, it does bother you and either he deals with it or you will.
I don't think you can insist that he does anything or enforce it.....without an untimatum and if you do lay the line down, you'll need to be prepared to go all the way.
Honestly though OP why did you let it get this far?

Your DP is the issue

Just keep saying.

“Your opinion is irrelevant”
“That has no relevance”
If that fails, try the more direct approach of: “I don’t fucking care what you think.”

Hopefully, that will do the trick. Then have a word with your wet wipe of a Partner.

A well known quote. There will be three of you in this marriage.

i know this isn't one of the options you asked about, but I wouldn't marry him. He's a mummy's boy who still sees his parents as his primary family. You will always come second (or fourth or fifth, depending on how big his family is). He will always defer to her. It will be the end of you.

They have a dynamic you can't compete with @Catsandcola and while it might only affect small parts of your relationship now, having children together will be awful.
It would be easy for him to have a chat with her about her negativity, he could even make a joke out of it! He won't though, ask yourself why.
It's easier to upset you than her for whatever reason.

If you really want to marry him Op then you need to make plain to him what you will and won't go along with once you're married. Like no telling his DM all your private business, no giving her a key, no getting into a routine where she comes to tea every Sunday, because you're going to need some space from her. She's got worse in the last year because now you're making plans, I'm afraid she doesn't like what you like just because it's you.
Unless you set boundaries now she'll be a problem all through your marriage

Your partner will never stand up to his Mother

Welcome to the rest of your life

Every time she said something negative I’d just reply, ‘ah well’, and carry on with my day. She’s expressed her opinion and you’re just letting her know that you’ve heard it and don’t care.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

You could say something to her, but the fact of the matter is that he’s already saying something to you very loudly.
He’s not bothered that you’re drained, that her comments make you sad, that you said you’d rather she wasn’t there. So he won’t stir himself to do anything about it.
Personally I’m very bothered by anything that upsets or hurts my DH, even if it’s not an issue to me personally. Because he is my person, and I love him.
If this man can’t show you that he feels for you what I feel for my DH I’d save yourself the admin of getting married then divorced.
MIL is highlighting a problem. Not causing it.

Loves his mother more than you 🤣 Are you 4?

I suspect your future MIL has become worse because you've moved from 'just a girlfriend' status to not only the person her son has bought a house with but is marrying too. She's trying to hang onto her 'little boy', and having issues accepting that she is no longer the most important woman in his life.

If your partner is unwilling to put boundaries in place or speak to his Mum now, then it doesn't bode well for the future. You're already avoiding spending time with her, and you've not married him yet!!

I think you are going to have to show your MIL that you aren't going to tolerate her behaviour. Next time she makes a negative comment say 'Are you going to be negative about every decision we make?' or 'Why do you feel the need to criticise everything we decide?' or 'You don't have to like X, but we do'.You need to stand up for yourself now. If you don't, you'll be in for a rough ride, especially if children come along.