To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

The relationship isn’t great, because he puts his mums feeling before yours.

I would at least tell him, that you want to postpone the wedding until he starts putting up some firm boundaries and sticking to them.

This will just get 100x worse. When you get pregnant, how you parent, what you are doing wrong.

You will be back here making another post.

It should come from your DP so long as he doesn’t throw you under the bus and say OP thinks x or y.

Keeping out of her way next best thing.

It will get worse if you have children.

If you want her to stop then you need to stand up to her at some point. The sooner the better, especially if you hope to have children

If he isn't going to stand up to her and you want to stay with him, you are going to have to make a stand
At the wedding venue when she said she didn't like something your response should have been, good job it's not your wedding then. Or if you are as outspoken as me, if only your opinion mattered!

You have a dp problem and you will have a dh problem if you carry on

My Inlaws were the reason I split with my husband. They - and he - got worse when I got pregnant and the overstepping and doing things I didn’t want just got worse and worse

PP are absolutely right in that you are the third wheel in their enmeshed relationship and will always come second.
Your partner knows it's a problem and would rather the status quo 'just ignore her' than putting the effort in working towards a more functional dynamic.

It benefits him too. Each time you fight? He'll tell mummy. The baby with colic keeping you up all night? Mummy will invite him for a lovely home cooked meal because he's tired. She won't like your kids names, schools, hobbies etc.

As soon as you stand up for yourself, mummy dearest will be cry, throw tantrums, "All I've ever done is be nice!" And your partner will have a go at you for upsetting his primary partner. Your role is to provide sex and children.

It will get much worse when you have a child. Women on here give you advice from personal experience and I am one of them. Some men simply don’t have a healthy adult relationship with their mothers and yours is one of them. You have two choices either learn to leave with her behaviour and work on some copying mechanisms or leave him, otherwise you will be posting about her on here asking people for advice forever.

I think those calling him a mummy’s boy and pushing out the old “you have a DH problem” line are being unfair. You can always tell those who’ve had the privilege of being raised in a well-adjusted environment.

Having parents like this is not easy and you have to manage them in some way. He’ll have had a lifetime of it, and he’ll know that keeping her mildly happy will be better than fully pissing her off. Standing up to them makes things worse.

You also have to accept that irritating in laws comes with the territory of getting married. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. Their worst character traits come out more than ever in big life events.

If it bothers you so much, you should find your spine and say something.

And no, a negative MIL is not worth going NC over.

You are going to have to start putting in boundaries with your MIL and tell your partner this is what you will do if he won't. Check his reaction on this. It could be a deal breaker in your relationship.

It will be 100 times worse when you have a baby, tell her now. Not him, you. So she knows it’s coming from you.

First post nails it. This is never ever going to change because ”DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me”

He needs to sit down with her and tell her what is acceptable and what is not and stick to it.
If he doesn’t she will run amuck and walk all over you. And her involvement in your lives will always be filled with dread for you.
Trust me I speak from experience.

Don't marry him if you're that affected by this. I suspect she was right about the house though.

There is no such thing as a “more functional dynamic” with family members like this. They are ignorant and don’t learn. They have no tact. They cannot help themselves.

The son has learned to live with it. His mother will have been the same during his childhood, his teenage years, his young adult years etc. She’ll have embarrassed him in front of his friends and previous girlfriends. He’ll know she’s not going to change now but will realise the equilibrium they’ve now reached is the best it’s been and it’s not going to get any better.

In the real world people don’t go NC or start arguments with close family members over things like this. And nor should they be encouraged to.

If a man was encouraging a woman to cut ties with her parents, he’d be labelled abusive. But clearly a man not cutting ties with his parents is a window for him to be ridiculed.

Good luck when you have kids 🤦‍♀️

Are you his priority or his mum?!

Don't marry the spineless twerp.

Is the OP spineless too? After all, she’s the one bothered by this.

It would be a mistake to marry someone who is enmeshed with his mum. Your examples are enough.

It won't work to say anything yourself. You'll only have a feud and the best you can hope for then is that he picks your side. It won't solve the problem.

Wildly inappropriate to invite her to the wedding fair let alone to go against your reasonable request.

This will only get worse when you have children and you'll be much more vulnerable

put your foot down now. Call her out on this behaviour every single time. Why does she have such a strong hold over her son? Does she have money?

You needed to have a very serious conversation with him when what you predicted at the wedding fair, happened.

It’s not too late to have it now and put in boundaries. You need to get firm with him. He needs to enforce your boundaries when you ask him to, and then you need to ignore the small stuff, except to mildly pull her up by mildly commentating each and every time “it’s a shame you can’t be happy about the choices we make, if they are different to what you would like or do”. Pick your battles but make sure he knows he has to have your back when it really matters.
And don’t give her a key.

Take my advice... from someone that went through with the marriage and the children afterwards. It will never end. She will never change and most likely, he will not put his foot down. Although he may, but it will be too late and the damage will be done. Living this reality right now btw

Like I have to rinse and repeat 'oh well it's just aswell you're not the one buying it/wearing it/going there' just keep saying it, they'll get the gist. And also ask if she has always been so negative, that's a great one to stop them in their tracks. Works like a dream!

YANBU to want him to step up. But you are unreasonable not to just stick up for yourself, what wait for him to say something. She comments negatively on your flower choice, tell her it's my choice I like them it's not up to you.