To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

She's not going to change. Your DP has made is clear he's not going to put in a boundary and that it does not bother him directly. Does it bother him that it bothers you?
So you can only change how you react..you know she'll negative, but who cares? She can be as miserable as she likes, her loss. Doesn't like those flowers? Well they're not hers so that's good. Can't see the good things about the house? Excellent, she won't put a rival offer in it. It's an in joke, a shrug of the shoulders. It's not about the thing, it's about her and her issue. Not yours. Smile, continue.

If you think she's bad now wait till you have children!!

Honestly OP you really need to think hard about this relationship. No point moaning about it now and then.

Edited to add - have you ever had it out with her directly? Told her how pissed off you are with her meddling and negativity?

If you have how did he react?
If you haven't do it and see how he reacts.

Perhaps that could clinch the issue one way or another.

You have to get him to stand up to her before you get married. Enmeshment between my mil and husband wasn’t too bad until she retired and then it became very damaging. If he can’t stand up to her I would suggest that you find someone with a more pleasant mother.

He's letting her affect the relationship. You have a choice to make, you can either accept that this is who she is and that he will never do anything about it, and instead would like you do the consistent work of ignoring her inserting herself into your life. Or you can leave him.

You won't leave him, so brace yourself for a lifetime of this, plus much much worse if and when any children come along, hold on to your hat for that.

It's already affecting your relationship and it's him that letting it, not you.

The reason it's got worse is that the house and the wedding are making it clear she's losing control over him and she's ramping up efforts to show you who's boss.

Honestly not sure you can convince him to take a stand, he's adopted the typical 'all for an easy life' approach that children do with parents like this (especially sons). I'd suggest telling him you want to go to marriage counselling where you can raise your concerns and see if you can reach some sort of agreement. If he won't go that tells you what you need to know which is that he isn't prepared to recognise there is a problem or to change.

Also, if you want kids, this situation will only be 100x worse, as she won't respect your parenting decisions either.

Yanbu. My parents are like this. When dh and I were in our 30s we bought a house. Before we moved in they drove over and knocked on the neighbours' doors to speak to them while we were at work. (I should mention they didn't pay towards the house at all in case people assumed that.)
I so wish I'd put in firm boundaries earlier. They've been retired since the 90s and have had too much time on their hands.

My son is a similar age to the man you are marrying, with a long-term DP. If I had been carrying on like this, I think he'd be threatening to have me sectioned.

It's really not normal for a women to be behaving like your MiL, and for her adult son to be pretending that it's all ok. 'Just ignore her', when he's the one who invites her along to things, is not a strategy. It's an insult to you.

The woman will drive you mad, but the dynamic she has with her son will drive you madder.

How are Christmases, holidays etc? Plans for children? Is she in charge of them too, and modifying everyone's emotions around them?

You may as well tell her to get fucked off now, and see what your beloved fiancé does about that. Better to find out now than after you're married to Mr Anything For A Quiet Life.

“DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still”

What??? This is a bigger issue than your MiL, it’s his behaviour. I would want to sort this out before getting married.

Yes op be careful of this. It just gets worse. If he wont put boundaries in.. what can you do. Im 50s. I dont tell her too much. I def see her age group 80s they get over involved in kids lives

My two sons are also around this age and they wouldn't let me away with this for one minute. One recently married and l had my doubts about the venue but shut my mouth and we had a wonderful wedding where the venue was lovely. They had more vision than me.
Also when l married dh if his Mom said one negative word to me he was in like a flash and called her on it. Even if l didn't really care. But that same mother caused a lot of issues with her other dil so dh knew he had to nip it in the bud immediately.

I think you and your DP need to see a counsellor who could help him see the issue with his Mom and give him tactics for dealing with it.
I cannot believe she moved the furniture around: the cheek of her!!

Watch the American Series "I love a mama's boy". They are co dependent mother son relationships that ruin the life of the wife / girlfriend / fiancee.

Maybe you should just play along and make it a flippant feature of your interactions with her - ‘I’d be grateful if you’d come, MIL, so you can point out all the flaws to us!’/‘I’d really like your input - I know you like to tell us where we’re going wrong!’ Perhaps she’ll take the hint?

This. Let me guess, OP: your mil and your partner's dad split up a long time ago, or at the very least his dad is withdrawn and does not give mil what she needs. Your partner was expected to step into the role his father ought to have occupied. He had to become the man of the house and be the one your mil relied on. She will always resent you because you have taken her son-husband away. She might not even know why she's trying to sabotage every step her son takes which makes his life more about you than her, but that's what was going on when she was horrible about your new house and now your wedding. Prepare for even more fun if you have kids unless your partner does some work to realise that his mother should never have depended on him to this extent and he isn't obliged to "include her" in your relationship.

Spot on. Give him one more chance to deal with this, or you will, and it won’t be pretty.

A similar conversation was had with DH in a hotel room on holiday with the PIL after they were intervening in parenting while we were right there. DH had a word. In fact when MIL tried to tell DS off again the next day, DH actually put his hand up with palm outstretched to make her back off and said no need, mum, we’re here.

Oh dear 😳 you'd be an absolute fool to marry him! If he doesn't stand up to her now, what on earth makes you think he will be any different going forward? You told him you didn't want him to bring his mum to the wedding venue and he ignored your wishes and brought her anyway! This is going to be your whole life and can you imagine how much worse she will be when/if you have children?

Seriously, a man who is willing to ignore your wishes to please his mum won't change. He is used to her and he doesn't think there's much wrong with her behaviour. Unless you want a lifetime of dealing with her overstepping, you need to run for the hills!

How old is she and is she in good health? Tbh I would call off the wedding unless she was getting on and I thought I could hold out for a couple of years. Sounds horrible, but something to think about.

You need to make him more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting his mother.

and you need to warn her that she stops right now or she won't be at the wedding or involved in your future life and grandchildren.

This. And then he may still side with her ....

For some reason, men often prefer to keep their female relatives (including ex wives) happy, in preference to their current partners.

Stop going to things he invites his mother to. He can invite her but then you won't be going. As it is, he invites her and there's no consequence.

Not standing up to his mum or having any boundaries with her is his only fault really.
And that's the one that will break your marriage.
Cut your losses now.

Once you are the DIL with a baby or two, the MIL problem will amplify.

God I’m getting the ick just reading this! I couldn’t put up with this at all!

If you really want to marry him (and his mum) then be prepared for her to be in all of your business and dirty laundry for decades.

Or...

Move further away (assuming she doesn't have the funds to follow) to a house with NO spare room.

Personally I'd run a mile from the pair of them - I wouldn't be marrying or considering breeding with either of them!

If it were me, I’d tell him that either he says something or you will. And it would be better coming from him. His choice, but either way you’re not putting up with it.

It would be for the best to set her straight now, rather than this be a running sore in your marriage, which then escalates once children are here.

DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right.

This man doesn’t respect you or your wishes. You clearly requested something important to you and he just ignored you. She isn’t affecting your relationship, the relationship is impacted by your DP not actually having even a basic level of respect for you. Do not marry or have children with this man.

Your first mistake was to say 'Please don't' when your DP invite wanted to invite her along for a look.

You need to be firm. 'No that's not appropriate' or 'No, I don't want her there'.

If you want to stay with him, you need to make it more uncomfortable for him to say no to you, than no to his mother.