To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

Imagine now having children, listening about comments about parenting, food, their behaviour.....
You need to sit down with him and explain that it is a massive issue and you need to have a think about the future. Explain the impact even offer couples therapy.

“I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.
She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying something.

"Remind me, who is getting married again?"

"Oh well, I love the colour, never mind, you don't have to wear it."

"Oh well, never mind, we are happy with our choice."

I'm sorry shes so negative but your partner is the problem here for not pulling her up on it.

They've shown you who they are. When you've expressed a wish for her not to be involved they have invited them anyway. Is this what you want your life to be like?

What about if you decide to have a child and you don't want her at the hospital making negative comments and they invite them anyway? If she starts being negative about your child to your child when they get older and your partner does not protect them?

A negative Nancy for a MIL isn't a deal breaker or a reason to end a relationship. I spineless partner is.

Problems you have before marriage never go away - usually they intensify.

I had 3 semi serious relationships in my 20s before I married. In all 3 there were issues with the guy's parents though only one was blatantly rude and difficult (and she was his step mother of only a few years - not there for him as a child). I didn't break up with them based on this but when I met my now husband I was somewhat apprehensive to meet his parents. As soon as I did, I realised they were lovely - his mother was my MIL for over 25 years before she died and she never once made a negative or critical comment about anything.

If your DP isnt prepared to call her out, I'd be wary.

Wait till you have DC, it will be 10x worse with her views on how you are parenting. DP needs to have words now.

I would ask dp to say something and I would say every single time she makes a negative comment

"that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative""that's very negative"s very negative"

its the broken record technique of sorts - its not passive aggressive, it' not confrontational, and just say it without any slant to your voice -that is negative

don't get into a discussion about it just repeat I found that negative or say - can you just comment on the positives please

(that might well shut her up if she doesn't see any positives) but great silence is golden

if you are saying this several times every time she comes along, maybe she will think before opening her mouth to be negative

Is he overriding your opinions in favour of his or is he just trying to be kind and letting her be opinionated and involved because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her feelings? If its the former, then that's a red flag, but if he is just trying to keep her happy but is 100 percent on board with you when it comes to making decisions then I think this doesn't have to be a deal breaker. There are worse things than having a parent wanting to be involved in your lives. She might become vey useful when the grandchildren arrive! Also, you ARE allowed to disagree with her on things - you might find she doesn't mind. Sometimes the people that are very opinionated and speak without a filter are more than happy to take criticism. Don't let this become a "her or me" ultimatum in what sounds like an otherwise happy relationship.

My MIL was like this. The only reason we didn't fall out was that I only met her once before the wedding. I should have seen the red flags as she said she'd been looking for things to dislike and hadn't found anything so far.' She made up for it over the following years and we ended up being very low contact.

When she died I felt sad for the wasted opportunity to have a relationship with an essentially strong and resilient matriarch. I do think your husband needs to be stronger, mine felt that he saw his parents so infrequently, that he wanted it to be moonlight and roses. I think countering every argument with 'we' helps. 'Well I'm sure you have your opinion, but we agree to differ.' on repeat. Quietly reverse any changes, grey rock and stand firm.

Who talks like this! And how unreasonable to advise someone that you are going to say something "not pretty" to their mother and you will leave them if they dont stand with you. I'd bloody leave if I was on the receiving end of that! I genuinely dont know if there are people trying to navigate their lives and relationships with this kind of attitude or if they ham it up for mumsnet.

Back to you, OP. He wont change, she wont change, as PP have pointed out she will get worse if have DC. Saying something is very unlikely to do anything other than cause a rift. If you want to stay and marry him, your best bet is to learn to control your own response and reaction so her negativity washes over you in the same way it washes over him. The good news is that she isnt interfering on a practical level (you still bought the house, you still booked the venue) and given that her opinions sound very different from yours they will hopefully be easy to dismiss! Id try to practice totally ignoring them, easier said than done. Maybe the odd barbed retort when you are really at the end of your tether!

You need to nip this in the bud going forward. Your partner will have to step up and tell his dm to stop interfering in your relationship. 8 years is a long time but I am afraid it will get worse if things aren't discuss now. If she is interfering in your house move, Wedding venue then she will interfer when you have children and will probably be demanding on your partner as she gets older. She isnt being fair at all and it will cause problems and resentment in your relationship.
Goodluck op and I hope your wedding goes smoothly. Remember it is your day not your future mil.

DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

You can't insist that someone else fights your battles for you, if it's not something they have a problem with. From his perspective, he can ignore her, so he thinks you should be able to as well.

He won't change and she won't change. Whether he has a word with her or not is actually irrelevant because even if he does, she won't change - maybe for a couple of months but she'll go back to the negativity soon enough because this is who she is. And he doesn't want to cause conflict (that he knows will be pointless anyway) with his mum, and that's who he is.

Your options are -

1. to do as he suggests and learn to ignore her. The best way of doing this is simply to be around her as little as possible. You will need your partner's support on this but you should tell him that keeping her away from you is a precondition of you ignoring her comments. Obviously when you have to be in the same space as her you just have to be civil.

2. "say something" to her yourself. Do this if you enjoy conflict, I guess. Be aware that it will be pointless and she won't change.

3. leave him.

Just wait until you have a baby.

Not standing up to his mum or having any boundaries with her is his only fault really.

But it's a very very big fault. This isn't an impasse over what sort of jam to buy.

I love him a lot and absolutely don’t want to end the relationship

You don't now. But when he gives in to her every time, over houses (it sounds like you didn't by the house he loved - because of her?), what you spend money on, holidays, how you bring up any children...and it's relentless, sooner or later that love will go, to be replaced by resentment and then bitterness.

We have been together for 8 years and I have constantly had problems with his mom throughout. But over the last year it’s become worse with the house and the wedding.

You've seen what she can do when she ramps things up and she can do even more than this, I promise.

You don't have to cancel the wedding but I think you should postpone it until this is sorted one way or another. It sounds as though you'd be married to him but he'd still be married to his mother. Princess Diana's 'There are three people in this marriage' would be very true but the third wouldn't be an OW, it would be his mother. (Actually I suspect you would be the third, his mother would come before you.) She'd probably be delighted if you broke up, but that's no reason to stay in a relationship where you are not listened to or respected.

You know what you'll be signing up for if you go ahead to marry this man, after 8 years of her whingeing.
Only you can decide that's what you want from life.

With people like her I love leaning into the topic that's being slagged off, it's good fun. So if she's sneering at a house 'thanks, we absolutely love it, can't wait.'
Slagging off flowers 'thanks, I love them, in fact, I'm getting an even bigger bouquet ☺️'
But of course I wouldn't have a whinger in my life.

You can't insist that someone else fights your battles for you, if it's not something they have a problem with. From his perspective, he can ignore her, so he thinks you should be able to as well.

Ignoring her is one thing. Giving in to her is another.

I'd say the same sort of thing every time.

MIL: I don't like those flower colours
YOU: well, it's not your bouquet so you don't get to choose Brenda

MIL: I don't like the venue
YOU: well, It's not your wedding so you don't get a say Brenda

MIL: I think the furniture looks better like this
YOU: well, you're not living here so you don't get to decide Brenda

She'll get the message eventually. If your DP is too weak to say anything then do it yourself. He's another weak man who would rather his partner be upset than stand up to his interfering mother.

"No, sorry it is our decision and we will take it together on our own please". Be firm and repeat often. She will get the message eventually. Be clear with DP that you will not accept this continuous interference.

You are going to MARRY him?

Ah yes, apart from that big problem with your MIL and your partner allowing for that behaviour (that will get worse if you have kids) your relationship is perfect. It’s like a house with a big hole in a roof but sure it’s perfect apart from that…

Absolutely this.

Imagine what she will be like around grandchildren!

What can you personally change about this situation? I'd say that's all you're left with after 8 years of setting the paradigm. Does he even see a problem with his mum's behaviour? If he does then it means he knows she's making your life harder and isn't prepared to do anything about it. If he doesn't then I actually think you have more hope because if you can get him to understand how her miserable behaviour actually isnt normal and is affecting your relationship, then he might be inclined to change. But it's a long shot. He's been in the trenches of her control for decades and never chose to reject it so it would take a lot now. I'd definitely do couples therapy before any wedding and get some outside input to discuss all this. Obviously you don't have to, but if you don't make any changes you will be reading MIL posts on here in 10 years and telling people not to marry the guy who can't stand up to his mother like you did!

Ok. I’ll give you my short version in good Strine.

”Mate, I’m over your mum. I’m going to talk to her and I’ll not take shit. Suck it up”

@Catsandcola "It would be a shame to let her affect the relationship, because we don’t have any other problems and have a great relationship."

Come back in 20 years time and 2 kids down the line and tell us if you still feel the same. His mum is the most important woman in his life and that will never change. In fact it will get much worse, especially if you have kids. I see your future OP, and it will be one long battle.

Your wedding night will be a family room at a local Travelodge !

Don't marry him.