To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

Just tell her things on a need to know basis . Do things and then tell her , never tell her your plans before hand and she needs to know that your husband has your back and you come first . Take control OP but pick your battles and let the small stuff go .

He IS the problem.

I suggest leaving him.

if not, insist on relationship counselling beforehand. I suspect he may then need individual counselling to learn why he is so connected with his mum and allows her to ride roughshod over the pair of you.

There is no way you can marry him and expect the marriage to last without properly addressing this monster in law issue.

My husband was the same. A very domineering mother who adored him and lavished him with praise but turned extremely angry when thwarted. Very manipulative. A nightmare MIL. His response "Oh, that's just my mum; it's what she's like." It never changed.

She was highly critical of me in ways too many to list. My clothes ( I was a young mum and usually wore jeans) "not glamorous enough". My personality "Not bubbly enough" no shit The way I dressed my daughter "Like a little tomboy/ girls should wear pretty dresses/not get muddy' etc etc. I didn't use a milk jug - horror! I stayed at home with the children when they were little - it was wrong that he had to earn all the money. I went back to work - I was neglecting the family. And on and on ... so so wearing.

Thankfully we always lived at least 2 hours drive away. I could not have tolerated living in the same town.

Unfortunately, I first met her when I was still at school and didn't have the confidence and life experience to fight my corner. I did manage to do so much later and I wouldn't say she was thrilled but did eventually treat me with more respect. I would say stand up for yourself right now and see if you can get her to pipe down and butt out.

Think long and hard if not ..

Do you think your negative feelings towards her mean that everything she says annoys you. Do you ignore any normal conversations and concentrate on her faults?
She could actually be correct sometimes.

It needs nipping in the bud now.. its your lives not hers why is he chasing his mums opinion and who is she going to look at areas and scope it out ffs.. if you dont nip this in the bud you will have a lifetime of it in every area .

If husband says ignore her, ignore her. Blank face when she's moaning and restart conversation the way you want it to go. Don't run around sorting out arrangements to collect her, leave every bit of uncomcor conversation to your husband. Don't engage in debates with her about your decisions, they are nothing to do with her. If your husband gets annoyed with you then he does t mean ignore her, he's saying ignore your feelings and that's a problem

Wish I’d seen the red flags before marriage as you have done OP! It’s lucky that you have seen this.

Don’t marry him, is my advice. Take it from someone 10 years further down the line from you.

This is really hard OP and I feel your pain! I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and MIL, with all her negativity and belief that the sun shines out of her own and her darling son’s arse, has cast a long shadow over my marriage tbh. Other posters are right - if you have kids it could get worse for you and your DC. I had to set some strong boundaries a couple of years ago - nobody liked it but that’s their problem. I’m menopausal and I don’t put up with that shite anymore! I would strongly advise figuring out now what you will and won’t accept in terms of time/attitude from her, tell your partner and ideally tell her to her face too. This is going to be your life and you deserve to happy so set yourself up for that!

Yes i am wondering this? He says ignore her sp why dont you?

How much of this is in your control

This is what I was thinking. You will be stuck with this woman.
Think about if you were to have children. OMG.

Are you planning to have children?
she will be even worse.

… 🍿

Waiting for your post after kids!

In answer to your question, I would say something to her now, before the wedding. Either she is the sort of person who backs off if you stand up to them, or she will create such a fuss that DP can’t stay on the fence and has to pick a side. If he’s going to pick his mother then better to know sooner rather than later.

This is your life if you marry him.
You tell him now to put boundaries in and if he cant dont marry him.

I'm sorry but your future MIL will try to run your life through her adored son.
Imagine starting a family.
Your life will be hell.
Either cut her off ( and see how her son responds) or run for the hills.

You are the one who is unhappy with her so you should tell her.

Women her age might be less likely to have had a choice of career/hobbies/lifestyle than you, so she probably feels threatened.

You can't be serious.
When, exactly do you think his mother was born ?

You say she has been giving you trouble for EIGHT years but you’re only now addressing it? I fear it’s going to be difficult for you to address it now, if you’ve never tried seriously to deal with it the past. Have you always just rolled over and accepted your partner’s shoulder shrugs?

If you want your relationship with your fiancé to survive, I think you need to decide now what you will / won’t accept. And stick to this.

Steve, I specifically asked you not to invite your mum, but you went ahead and invited her anyway. I’m leaving right now. And leave straight away!

MiL criticises flowers / colours / house / etc? Respond with a crisp ‘Steve and I are really happy with our choice. If you can’t say something positive, please don’t say anything at all.’

She continues being negative even if you ask her not to? Then you tell her you have had enough and would like her to leave (if she’s in your home). You are at hers, or in a neutral place, then you leave. ‘Steve, I’m not putting up with this. I’m leaving right now. You can come with me or stay here. But if you stay then next time we talk, it will be about whether our relationship has a future.’

And so on.

I have no idea if this would work but you could perhaps sit down with your MiL for a full and frank discussion.

’Jane, you need to know that from now on, all your negative talk stops. I’ve put up with it for years but I’ve had enough. Your son might think the way you speak to us is ok, but it is not normal, it is not ok and it is not acceptable. You can choose what happens next - if you are positive and constructive whenever we see you, that will be great and very welcome. And you will be welcome. But if you don’t change, then don’t expect to have a close relationship with us.’

Whatever you decide to do, I would most definitely read the riot act to your partner and tell him it’s time he really listened to what hou are saying, and to put hou first, properly first.

Good luck!

Sounds like she doesn't like you very much

There was some good advice earlier in the thread - if he insists on inviting his mother to something, inappropriately, then you don’t go. Just try that a few times!

Sorry but this will only get worse! Especially if you are thinking of starting your own family!! An with pregnancy comes ALOT of vulnerable moments and if your husband has not got your back about simple wedding stuff, he is sure as hell not going to have your back about your needs and vulnerability... Naw. Feck that! You need to have a long conversation with your partner otherwise buckle up!

I found telling DH that either he told her, or I would tell her, and I wouldn't be so nice about it, did wonders for him managing to locate his backbone, particularly once he had a couple of examples. So, when it came to expressing an unwanted opinion on something like the wedding flowers - 'well how fortunate it's not your wedding, and therefore nothing to do with whether they're to your taste, isn't it?' said with a particularly saccharine smile, worked well. He decided it was better to get in there first!

good luck when children come (if you want them!)

Yes. This might show DH that she’s unhappy. But equally, MIL gets her son all to herself without pesky DIL and DH is happy cos his mum is happy. So I could see this dynamic just continuing.

How would this work once they’re a little family unit with kids? OP bows out of things and MIL moves in to take her place? I’m sure MIL would love to be coming round for all the fun family days out, taking the bag that OP has packed and being treated to lunch by the bank of son and DIL, while OP stays at home cleaning and tidying 🤦‍♀️

MIL needs to grow up and realise she doesn’t call the shots in her son’s life. He’s a grown man and should be left to make his own decisions. She needs to stop trying to manipulate him by still treating him like a kid, and by extension, believing she has some form of control over OP.

Oh look, the nuclear option. 🤯

There's always someone on mumsnet that wants to chuck a cluster bomb into someone else's life 😂😂😂

Having said that, I am surprised @Catsandcola that you have put up with this for 8 years!

If you can't just let it flow over you, then I think you could try being more direct with her. Something like:
"Let me stop you there MIL. This is our choice of venue and we're not going to change it, so please confine yourself to positive remarks".

It won't work straight away, you'll have to be consistent and keep telling her variations on "if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all ", and really, at the end of the day, is it worth the effort?