To want DP to put his foot down with his mum?

[Catsandcola]

I’m going to try and keep this as short as I can. MIL gets too involved in our lives, and offers her opinions when they aren’t wanted. Examples are.. when we were looking at where to move to, we viewed a house that we absolutely loved. DP called her as he was really happy and told her about it, she was extremely negative, saying she isn’t happy with him moving so far away, said to him “what about after work if you want to go for a drink with your friends on a Friday? You’ll be too far away” DP is 29 by the way. A few days later she told us she went to the house to scope the area and have a look herself and gave us a list of things she didn’t like about it.

When we bought our house, she came with us to help move and unpack. We were upstairs putting things in wardrobes and she had to leave. When we were done and went downstairs, the whole living room was rearranged. She had moved the furniture around before leaving. We asked her and she said she thought it looked better that way.

Theres more examples of this, but I don’t want this to be too long. I have asked DP to stop letting her get involved, stop telling her things, stop inviting her etc. we are getting married next year and after we booked the venue and paid the deposit, we went to the venue again a few months later to look at the vendors during an open day. DP wanted to invite his mum along to have a look but I said please don’t, she will only give her negative opinion. He invited her still, and I was right. Everything I looked at, flowers etc, she would come up behind me and be like “I don’t like them. I don’t like that colour” and later said she didn’t understand what we liked about the venue. I felt sad about that because it was a pointless comment, it’s already booked and non refundable deposit paid.

She is draining me. I don’t want her to know anything else but DP just tells me to ignore her, it doesnt bother him like it does me, but I think he should say something. AIBU to insist that he has a word with her, or should I say something to her myself?

This!

He cares more about his mother than he does about you.

Your marriage will involve 3 people.

If you have children, it will probably be awful.

I married a mummy's boy who did stand up to his DM and did put in appropriate boundaries, together with me. But in later years, when he and I had challenges in our marriage, he went straight back to enmeshment with her when she was trying to get him to leave me, and put her opinions and preferences ahead of mine. It's had a huge effect on our children and one of them is now NC with their grandparents and resents their dad because of the whole dynamic.

I would absolutely NOT marry him.

She will make your life a fucking misery. I guarantee it. Domineering, over-involved MILs are a bloody nightmare. I wish I’d got out 25 years ago because of one. Save yourself. Seriously. You can have words with him and see if it changes the dynamic (good luck) but many sons of women like that just find it too hard to go against an entitled mother and prefer to ket their relationship suffer instead.

Two further thoughts:
1 - negativity isn’t really the problem. The problem is overstepping of boundaries.
2 - you do not want to marry a mother’s boy. If it doesn’t bother him as he claims = problem because it massively bothers you (and why wouldn’t it). And if it secretly bothers him bit he’s too scared to do anything about it = also massive problem.

Interesting that he would rather upset you than his mother. That will be the story of your life. She won’t like the names you give your dc and will use her own ‘pet’ name. She won’t like the school you choose, the hobbies they do, the lack of contact you try to enforce. She’s the type to bust into the delivery room when you’ve told her no way.

Well after 8 years it's definitely not going to come from him.

If I were you I would start speaking up now to see how she will react and more importantly if he will back you up if she throws a diss or not so at least you know before the wedding.

Another option is to tell he can take her to eg the venue himself if he wants but not when you're viewing it together and let him deal with his mother and if he comes back and tries the "my mummy said" you shut it down.

It is important to start setting firm boundaries if not it will get worse when you get married then when kids get involved etc.

Don't say you weren't warned. I married young and put up with it for over thirty years until MIL died. Imagine her imput in every life decision, because that's your future.
At least read 'Toxic in-laws,' by Susan Forward before the wedding.

OP will be back in a few years complaining that her MIL is interfering in the way she is going to give birth/feed her baby/where the baby sleeps/how long the baby naps/how her son is so tired and OP needs to do more/what nursery or school the child goes to. Her DH will bow to his DM every time and OP will be heading for divorce. We see it all the time on here and people ask why on earth she married him when she knew what MIL and DH were like.

My MIL was like this and I almost didn’t marry DH. He did stand up to her about the wedding. It wouldn’t have gone ahead.

At some point when I was PG I had a huge argument with her and just had nothing to do with her for about 4 months. She has behaved since. It was DH only weakness.

The reason she was like this was because that was modelled to her by her own Mother and she liked it plus she didn’t have enough in her life plus no man. She isn’t the type to want to be a strong independent woman either. DH is THE most significant man in her life, she is also a shocking misogynist.

These are the kinda of things you look out for when you're just in the dating stage..plenty time to call it a day. I just couldn't continue on with someone who's family was too overbearing.

To slightly misquote Princess Diana, there will be three of you in your marriage.

You said you didn’t want her there, he invited her.

Oh my OP ..he must be spectacular in other areas ..as this is horrible.

Your life will be dimmed by this ..because he is showing you how it will be …imagine that negativity with children or anything else that matters..this is a warning and an important one ..get this sorted before marriage..if he can’t respect your wishes then he isn’t marriage material

I’d postpone the wedding until your DP can show you that he can manage his mum. He’s still putting her above you at this point and this isn’t a good way of starting your marriage. You will forever come second and not respected. Huge red flag. I’d give him an ultimatum, give him time to address the issues and make your decision.

This woman sounds like she would be an absolute menace if you ever had children (not assuming you want to, merely observing that this behaviour tends to escalate with grandchildren). I have seen so many women be drained of all their joy by having such in laws in their lives. Suddenly there is an opinion on the birth plan, the way you feed the child, what kind of pram, when you wean etc etc. It will absolutely increase by ten fold.

Your partner needs to understand how much this is affecting you and that this may be the undoing of what is otherwise a great relationship...go to couple's counselling, if nothing changes after a few months you have to either learn how to cope with her or you can end this before you get married. Sorry OP.

God that sounds awful @Catsandcola I don’t know if I’d marry him because he clearly doesn’t see the problem.

I have a friend like this and it's resulted in her alienating her DiL, her GD and, to a certain extent her DS. You've put up with this for a very long time and if you're determined to marry this man, I think you should have an honest conversation with his mother. Tell her exactly how her remarks effect you and that unless she stops, she will be seeing a lot less of you both. Do this please before any baby arrives.

Yes I have a FIL like that. Not once in 27 years has ever said anything positive. Got to the point I say "why don't we have a rule if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" at our lunch... I realise that will render you mute FIL!! He was flabbergasted - kids now say "grandads being negative" while grumbles in the corner. But I generally stay away from him.

I married a mummy's boy and it wasn't easy! As others have said it is your partners fault he needs to prioritise you. It will get harder when kids come along. I am afraid little will change OP but I wish you luck. I have a son in his twenties and I made a promise to myself years ago I am stepping back when he marries.

Tell her yourself. Zero reason not to.

Just imagine what its going to be like when you have children!!

She sounds like your average misery guts. Just start responding with stuff like "well, you don't like anything, do you Susan?"

My mother was a bit like this, maybe not quite as bad, but no-one had ever challenged her until I said to her when she offered her unasked for opinion 'Only two opinions matter and you don't make the cut', she didn't say anything again.

Is she Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond?

He doesn’t really need to put his foot down, he just needs to stop involving her so much and inviting her opinion.
I think I would have a serious conversation with him and tell him that if this continues it’s going to come between you and make you reconsider getting married. Tell him that you do love him but having his mum involved in everything is too much since she’s so negative.
if he does involve her less and she pushes against it he would need to say something at that point.

So have you never said anything? Ever? I couldn’t resist! “Well thanks for that Sandra but we love the venue and we’ve already paid for it’”