DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

😬 why… Just to show control?

Well said here.

I think you've done right backing off a bit.

It's a lot for her, if you play the long game she'll hopefully call you soon enough.

Let her be, she wants to grow up and move on. Having her mother coming to judge her new place (and you sound like you will judge) is the last thing she wants or needs.

Tell her that you are proud of her, tell her that you are here for her, tell her that you love here. Stop judging her and let her move on.

I say this as someone whose mum came to my room when I moved into uni halls and started judging everything. It hurt that she pointed out the flaws in my choice to move into halls. I still love her, but over 20years later, I still remember and it still hurts

I am also into respecting a child’s boundaries and the OP‘s daughter clearly wants to be left alone and that should be respected.

It is the people who simply don’t understand why on earth a parent would want to see where their child is living! A hall room is just generic! And they are not even a child, they are an adult. That kind of try-hard silly nonsense amuses me.

@Thisgirlcandance I have to say though. I wonder how many people would say that I should back off if she one day says mum I have bought a new house or had a baby but why do you need to see it? Judging by some responses here, many will suggest that I am being overbearing or hysterical for wanting to be involved!

I don't think anyone here thinks those situations are unimportant and that you should show no interest in her life achievements. What people are saying is that you can't force her to involve you, it has to come from her when it's about her life. If you know that she finds you overbearing then you could also adjust and tone it down a bit when you are around her. I get what you are saying that she needs to understand how NT people act too, but she will see a lot of that in life in general.

It is relevant though. There’s a big difference between paying rent for a teenage child and letting them cover it themselves. The later does give them permission to be more independent, and exclude you from visiting their halls if that’s what they want to do. If you’re paying for it you’re a part of it, if you’re not then you’re not.

demanding access to somewhere, that is a shared home with other people is. Would access forced because of a financial contribution really improve a relationship or make Op feel better?

I don't see it like that at all. My kids are adults and sometimes I pay for things for them, but it doesn't mean I get to insert myself in their lives. If they want to involve me, great, if they don't, also fine. I let them be adults and grow, but I don't mind making life a little easier for them occasionally.

Yanbu it's odd.

I’ve just dropped my oldest off. It’s a difficult time for all concerned so I really feel for you. In my case, I was ready for my daughter to want me gone ASAP (she went through a phase of finding me mortifying) and was surprised to find that wasn’t the case. However, if it had been, hurt though I would have been, I would have just accepted it. I think whatever helps them make the transition easier for them is the order of the day. I hope they settle in well and that you don’t miss them too much ❤️

I can understand how you feel but it's totally normal. She's a young adult and she is desperate for her own space. I can remember my parents dropping me off at uni and coming up to the room and I didn't forbid them but I felt claustrophobic and stifled and couldn't wait for them to leave. I could hear people in the corridors knocking on each others doors and introducing themselves and I felt like I can't "get started" while my mum and dad were there.

FFW 30 years my son went to uni. Guess what he couldn't wait for us to leave either. He ordered us out of his room. I went to the kitchen to unpack his kitchen stuff and was told not to do that either. I was most affronted as another lad's mum was in the kitchen and allowed to help! I cried on the way home. But all was fine. He still loves us (had now graduated and is back home for a few months!)

Let her go off. You might find in a couple of weeks ages a bit homesicj and would be more amenable to a visit. But right now she's all discombobulated and snappy.

Awww OP don't take it personally, she will have her reasons, maybe she'll think you'll get upset which will then get her upset.
Maybe she thinks you'll find fault with it.
Maybe she just wants to start her new life in her own way.
Like a pp said, when we took ds to uni 3 years ago he was shooing us both out fairly quickly and I felt a bit hurt but I think he just wanted to do it himself

She probably wants something just for her. Let her have it.

Embarrassment is more likely to be because mum is who has taken care of her growing up so represents childhood and being looked after.

Not horrified that they wanted to pay for it though.

“Cruel” FFS, it’s hard to believe some posters are old enough to have children at uni with childish hyperbole like this.

But this is different she is trying to move from being a child to being an adult, rightly or wrongly that means wanting to separate from her parents a bit. Once she is over this and really feels liked an adult it will be fine. At the minute she really needs you to let her go, for a while. You know where she is living and you can keep in touch she may well need a lot of support over the next few years uni is really difficult for many children, don't make it difficult for her to reach out if she needs to

This is exactly what happened when my "foster" daughter went to university. She asked her Dad to drive her in a hire vehicle and did all the unpacking etc herself as his health wasn't good. I never did see her accommodation. But that's OK.

I put it to the back of my mind

She's back home now though.

If she’s anything like my autistic daughter she might put different people and places into “boxes”, and hate the two mixing. I expect the transition to uni is daunting for her, lots of new things and unknowns so her coping mechanisms and tolerance might be lower than at other times? Can you suggest some kind of plan with her, let her go with dad and she can take her time to adjust on her own as she wants, but could she FaceTime you the following day to give you a ‘tour’ of her room etc? It might make her feel more in control? She can phone you at a time that suits her? She can end the call and choose to show you things she wants to?