DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

I have never seen her around her friends as she finds it stressful. It could be autism related, yes

Going by some posters on here they still don't get to escape that. Seems if parents are paying or contributing it means they get to go against their wishes and demand entry to their new digs.

We never saw our ds accommodation in First year. His friend was going too and he had a car so they loaded up and set off. We were paying but accommodation was booked so no turning back then. It was what it was. Granted he was my third so by then l was totally chilled.
He has graduated now and we get on brilliantly.
Just let her do whatever she wants and don't make a big deal of it. She has enough stresses without a drama from Mum as well.
Keep in touch with her in a relaxed way and all will be well.

My recently diagnosed 18 yo AuDHD dd organised to be dropped off by her friend. I managed, working a lot of magic, to get her to change that and I dropped her off with the help of another friend. It should have been dh as well, however, his dad just died and he had to go back to his home country to sort the funeral etc.

It is really important not to show any negative emotions or get upset about this. Your dd will likely dig her heels in more if you do, because she doesn’t want you to make this about you. And if she does agree to you going, it’s important to register her cues as well. And not get hyacinth or emotional at all.

I am presuming you and her dad are together and / or have a good relationship. I’d team work this one. This is a rite of passage and as her mum, you would very much like to be there. You understand she’s a young woman now. And you have no intention of treading on her toes or embarrassing her. You’d just love to see where she’s going to hang out for the next year, because you love her and because it’s such an exciting time for her. Make it as much about her as possible. Keep the emphasis on staying in adult, neutral communication.

Get her dad on side to say that this is something to do as a family. This is how families do it. That if she likes, you and she can sort her room together whilst her dad does the trips to and from the car, so that she’s all unpacked and you will take the cases and boxes home with you, so that she doesn’t have to deal with them. Make it easy for her.

If she still says no, just be very matter of fact, no emotion and say you’ll be up to visit next week to check she’s settled in ok. If she then objects to that, you can shrug and say it would be far easier for you to come at drop off then. Then walk away. Let her process.

And if she still says no, don’t hold it against her. My dd absolutely tanked her 18th birthday with us. She was vile and refused to celebrate it with us at all. There is always some issue or other with dd. It’s tiring. And she will grow out of it. You just have to have endless patience unfortunately.

I feel to labour the point now will get you nowhere but frustrated. Let her settle and maybe later ask for a video tour, or ask to pick her up at halfterm/xmas. My mother would do exactly this sort of thing - force herself into situations I didn’t want her in - and then get the huff that I wasn’t engaged/compliant/grateful she was there. Let your daughter manage these situations in her own way.

Yeah it's not like DD bought a house and won't let her mum round. It's a generic rectangle shaped room with usual furniture. I've seen more characterful rooms in a psych ward!

That's lovely! 😊So there is hope then! Your right, I will take a back seat and let her get on with it.

Funny you say that, my dd’s halls remind me of a prison block with 10 tiny en-suite rooms and a kitchen at the end.

This is a big transition for her. I'd give her the space she needs and do things on her terms. You don't have to understand it or like it but to support her that's what she's asking from you. Things coukd change but right now that's what she needs from you.

I have hyacinth bucket family I keep them at arms length. Unfortunately despite polite reasonable requests they can only put their needs first.

Honestly this is probably an autism thing and not a you thing. I can very much imagine DS2 being like this. We have never been allowed to see where any of his friends live. If we drop him at their house we have to drop him around 2 streets away and he walks the rest. It seems like secrecy and a bit sneaky but is actually just a fear of being perceived and an intense need for privacy.

From her perspective, do you come across as somewhat critical? If so, your assurance probably doesn’t ring true to her. She may just want a space that doesn’t feel tainted by your judgment?

I didn't realise my dd was neurodiverse at the time but she had a huge meltdown at me the day before she left for Uni.
I took huge offence. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

If my dds had refused to let me see where they were living I’d have been furious!
my reply would be “ as I’m paying for this accommodation I want to see if”

Maybe she is just overwhelmed and feeling the pressure and can’t think too far in advance without feeling she has to please other people when she is struggling to adjust. Give her time.

I think it depends on the child. However your child is now an adult and they are asserting boundaries that you should respect.

The compromise is that Dad takes photos, my Dad dropped me off..helped me carry and went..my Mum was working.

The idea of you calling later would bother me too..joining in..meeting new people heading out together is an important part of the first weeks at university. Thinking about telephone calling home only at midnight night after night is normal too 🤦‍♀️.

Definitely time to allow your child some space to be an adult.

Are you allowed to?
when my daughter went to LSE, parents etc that were helping you move in had a maximum of 30 minutes time allowed in the halls.

apparently, there is a history of families overstaying and being very reluctant to get out!

Why?
Do you not respect any adults or just your own children?

I never saw dd first year halls. We were unable to drop her off due to illness and lockdowns meant we could not visit.

She's not a 'child', she is 18. Back off and let her live her own life.

DD was so chilled this year (year 4) when we helped her move, compared to when we last moved her in (Year 1) and I commented on the difference. She admitted that she was very stressed at the time and could recognise herself that she had mellowed a lot since then. She had also had 2 subsequent years of moving without assistance (we live abroad) so she could now fully appreciate the joy of having help with the fetching, carrying, assembling, shopping, cleaning etc.

Try not to take it personally, would be my advice xx

I suspect that if she has autism she compartmentalises home and university / school and doesn’t want the two worlds colliding. It’s more about her than you. I would try not to take it personally. The more upset you get about it the more likely you’re going to cause a big issue.

That’s very emotionally manipulative.

Totally the wrong approach. You need to let go.

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