DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

Don’t be so silly. You need to assess whether it’s suitable, up to the standard being paid for etc.

Respect her wishes. Give her time to settle, it's not necessary to visit her so soon after she is dropped or or to insist on seeing her room. If she is happy to video call occasionally you will see it in the background.

My mum dropped me off at uni and helped me dump my stuff in my room and that was that. My dad never saw my digs in first year as I visited home on the bus - and that was similar for most of my friends. I met my parents in my university city for lunch once or twice but never took them to my room, we wandered around the town.

That is really outrageous of you.

The adult living there can do that.

Not RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned but I am Autistic and I really struggle with areas of my life crossing over like seeing work people outside work. Without realising it I compartmentalise and I feel threatened when things overlap. Maybe your daughter feels similar, she might not even realise she is doing it. If you give her time to adapt to the new surroundings I suspect that at some point, on her terms, it will suddenly feel actually okay for you to see the place.

They’re barely adults. The daughter is acting spoilt and nasty to their poor mum!

No, she isn’t.

Many years ago when my parents took me to university for my first term I insisted they drop me at the end of the road where my hall of residence was. There was just something about having my parents with me that I found really embarrassing. There was I, trying to be cool, and there they were in their best clothes with a car that I was sure would attract attention.
Fortunately for me both my sons were very happy to be settled in when it was their turn.

This is just like my DS. I struggled with it as I always want to know what's going on in his life, and he never wants to share anything with me. He's much better with DH, probably because he's much more chilled out (less nosy!), and frankly probably autistic himself.

Give her space for her different social groups, and it may improve in time (this is what I'm trying to do!)

If it's just that you want to see it, would she send you some photos or a video?

We dropped our ASD DD off this weekend, got a very quick side hug before being shooed off. We had talked about me popping in to help with gardening on Monday as I was off and the garden was overgrown but she declined.

Anyway I'm now going on Thursday with all the things she's forgotten, and all the things she didn't need on Saturday but does actually need like I said

Every year has been stressful but the first year was the worst. Good luck.

Yes, she is. Allowing the dad there but not the mum is just cruel.

I just don't understand this approach. They are an adult. Adult boundaries should be respected.
Parents offer, adult children say yes or no.

Do you really not respect adults' rights?

That’s the thing. She’s not a child anymore.

If she's neurodivergent then she probably needs all her head space to deal with the new situation and you being there will be too distracting. It's not personal.

@Thisgirlcandance First up I want to give you an UN MN hug. Your feelings must be all over the shop. It’s incredibly hurtful when our kids say this kind of thing. If either of mine tried this, I’d laugh at them and ask if they liked me paying for their university experience, and to therefore suck it up when I say I’m coming to visit.

And yes, we are all ND in our household.
And yes, someone will tell me that me paying doesn’t entitle me to see their halls of residence. That’s fine. Everyone has different “house rules”.
And no, I don’t mean that I’d visit weekly etc.

I’ve not rtft but my friend’s son is being like this. Dd goes to uni at the weekend and we’re taking her but won’t hang around for ages, just to get her settled. I have read some of what people have posted and I seem to disagree. I’m paying towards DD’s rent so while I still financially support her, I do expect some access / info about her life and where she lives. This behaviour wouldn’t fly with me at all and I’d be resetting DD’s expectations with options for her but ones that suit me, taking into account het feelings of course.

Being cruel isn’t a boundary.

OP I'd feel as you do. When I took DS to university I helped him unpack, put pictures up, hung clothes etc, and of course did the inevitable massive supermarket shop. I'd have been gutted if he hadn't wanted me involved.

But thinking back to when I went to university, I went on my own on the coach with one suitcase. My Mum doesn't drive and my Dad wasn't around. I would have absolutely hated it if my Mum had come. She'd have got involved, chatted to everyone, made friends with the other parents, started cooking a meal - all lovely mum-type things, that to a 19 year old are just mortifying.

I've always had a very good relationship with my Mum, she's my go-to person, we're very close. There are just some situations that I prefer to experience without her.

Sometimes it’s a bit intense with both parents. Or if you have a somewhat difficult parent.
I didn’t attend my uni graduation as I couldn’t bare the thought of both my parents attending
I wasn’t especially embarrassed of one or both of them, but I didn’t want to deal with it.

She’s 19. If you’re paying her rent in full you should have some sort of right to see it, and if you’re not then fair play to her.

Of course you're not weird. You're her mum. Of course you're curious and want to see where she lives. But you have to understand that this is Mums Et and once a child hits 18, you are not allowed to express any interest in their life or concerns

Sorry, you lost me at ‘go and drop her off as a family’.

I know some families do this, but we never have done. It’s a drop and run operation in our family. DC want to start their new lives without worrying about pleasing/accomodating family.

I did this with my Mum many years ago. It was a first attempt at independence and setting boundaries. My Mum was/is great, but she was a very involved parent to the point that it could be a bit overbearing. I think it was an attempt on my part to get her to back off and let me go. She did the whole "I am paying for it so I am going to see it thing" and ignored my wishes. We ended up having very little contact for several years in my twenties as she would not listen when I tried to assert my independence. I would listen to your DD, OP, and not go this time. If you let her have this one and see it as more about her becoming an adult than about a room, she may be more open to you coming to visit later in the term.

Some people are just so incredibly emotionally unintelligent and they cannot think about anything than what is best for themselves. Even when it means they are upsetting their children or other people they are supposed to care about.

You know why Harry Potter was such a hit with the children? Same with 'Series of unfortunate events'. Same as any good childhood book - no parents. They are just not there.

No need for you to be so nosey - this is the halls, not some dodgy private let - halls would have been checked for health and safety.

Let her enjoy her student life!