DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

I would be fine with it. Because I felt horrific moving into halls, and I hid in my room all day crying. I definitely didn't want my parents there.

When I dropped DD off two weeks ago, she allowed us to carry the boxes up from the car, waited a polite 30seconds and then told us we could go.

I think it is hard moving away from home and you should respect her feelings.

This is very hurtful, I'd he devastated. Do you think for some reason she's embarrassed of you?

I asked the question and she said no it's not that. She said she wants time to herself. But I am suggesting to pop over later on so it doesn't make any sense to me

At least you were allowed to carry the boxes up for her!

Devastated?? Bit extreme isn't it? I only got to see DS first student place ( be wasn't in halls) as he had too much stuff to fit in his car so we had to drive 2 cars up

Does she think you might make a fuss about mess or the state of the accom - or something?

I'm going to say that I think its because she will find it easier if you are not there. What I mean by that is that moving away from home can be tough on them. So maybe you being there will highlight that and she will find it harder to say goodbye to you and watch you leave, if you see what I mean.

So she is trying to make it easier on herself by not having you there to have to watch walk away and watch you go.

Could it be that?

Possibly. She does think I am a bit hyacinth bouquet 😬but I assured her that I simply want to see where my child is staying.

I don't think it's that....it could be but not likely.

Does "later" mean the same day? If so, YABU. She will be meeting her new flatmates etc.

She will no doubt change her mind OP. It is odd, but she's probably going OTT on the 'independence' thing. She'll get bored of it soon enough.

No. I suggested that I visit on another day that week or later if that was better for her

I think she’s within her rights and it’s OK. Has she said why she wants her dad to drop her off and not you? I didn’t see my DD’s university accommodation, because I didn’t accompany DH and DD in the car to drop her off or pick her up, so I’ve never seen it in three years. Except on video calls. I definitely wouldn’t be making a special trip to see the accommodation. That’s a bit weird.

How will she manage off loading all the stuff she presumably needs to take?

It’s natural for you to feel sad but try to contain it - these are your feelings not hers.
She may be feeling all sorts of conflicting feelings herself but she’s starting a new chapter and wants to make it her own.
Her saying she wants her dad to take her and not you makes me wonder if you’ve already been a bit emotional about the transition/move, and she wants to minimise that.
Saying now she that doesn’t want you to see her halls doesn’t mean she will feel the same way in a couple of months time.
Just let her go, be sad about it yourself, but send her off with confidence and pride. Let her settle in, make some friends, work out who she is, find her place. Then later on suggest meeting. And if it’s still no to you seeing the halls, meet half way or back at home or anywhere else - most important thing is to see her not the halls.

Okay, so maybe she's worried that you'll immediately pick out all the things wrong with it, or drop comments in the future about it?

I would refer her to her Dad for all the help and favours she will inevitably need.

Well, carry it in herself in bags and boxes, like most people do.

OP, one of my DD’s didn’t want me to see her accommodation, or indeed to visit the whole time she was at university. I’d phone and offer to come down and take her out to lunch and there’d always be some reason why it wasn’t convenient, so in the end, I just thought, well university is a time to reinvent yourself so if you don’t want me to visit, so be it. What was more hurtful was that her father, my ex, used to take her down there - but I just wanted her to be comfortable, so I did what I could - sent her shopping, made sure I sent e-mails and texts, and she would communicate and keep in touch and always came home for the holidays, so I accepted that. I think you just have to understand that from her POV, she’s a “grownup” and simply go along with what she wants.

That explains it. Just be happy for her that she is ok to move into halls without extra support?

I think it's probably because she doesn't want to be embarrassed. Not that she's embarrassed of you, as an individual, but because she's worried no one else will have their parents there, and she doesn't want to be 'the one whose Mum turned up'

This is her first step into being an adult, and Mum being there feels like 'child mode'. She's scared other students will get that impression of her.

Weird? I honestly don't think it is weird to want to see where your child will be living for potentially three years. NOT being fussed is weird to me.

I totally get it. I didn't want my folks hanging around my university halls either. It's a new life, a new start..... not everyone wants their mother fussing over them and the concrete box that is their new home! If she needs her space, please let her have it.

Dad is taking her

It sounds like she doesn't want you getting emotional, or is worried about getting emotional herself. If she thinks you're a bit Hyacinth Bucket then she might not want to have you around criticising things. I wouldn't be upset at all if my child said that to me. It's part of them learning how to manage on their own.