DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

OP, lots of teens "recreate" themselves when they go to uni. I would have hated having my dm around when I was a fresher. She had no knowledge of university, was generally very embarrassing and sniffy, and I wanted my new home to be a fresh start.

For your dd, this is her new home, not yours. It is her new life. Respect her wishes and I'm sure she'll come round, push and she will become more adamant.

Why is this a row? I get that you might want to see them, but it’s not a massive deal, surely? When she said no, why didn’t you drop it?

I'd be inclined to leave it open for now. She'll probably welcome a visit once she's been there a while, even if she doesn't expect to feel that way. My first born had a difficult first week at uni and asked me to come and stay the next weekend. Ask her to send you a photo of her room when it's all set up so you know where she is.

I find this a bit weird from her and disrespectful from her (it’s quite normal for parents to drop off and see the room/help with initial set up to a small extent if possible) but she probably is feeling a lot of emotions right now and not thinking straight. Maybe she will change her mind.

I dropped DD off fir second year and her house mings! You're not missing much..

If she's like my DD she doesn't want her new flat mates to think her mummy brought her, she wants to be seen as an independent adult. No reflection on you or your relationship.

I didn't want my mum to help me move into halls because I knew she'd somehow make it all about her and her emotions, which she did.
Doesn't mean I don't love my mum, I adore her, but she isn't my number one choice for emotionally difficult situations.

If you are paying for her Halls surely you are entitled to quickly see it.

Thank you. This is where I am trying to get to. I am incredibly sad and not ashamed to admit it. I think she wants her dad instead of me there because I hug and kiss and tell her I love her and she may not want that on the day. I will keep this to myself and put on a front like you said. I know of whole families that drop their DC off to university and make a whole day of so I was hoping that would be us too.
I come from a bit of a dysfunctional not talking about their feelings Type of family so I have perhaps gone to the other extreme in raising my own. Its blooming hard though isn't it!

I’m sorry, I do think it’s weird. What’s wrong with a video tour to see the accommodation? My 18-year-old who didn’t go to university moved for a job in Kazakhstan and all I saw of her accommodation was on a video call. We waved her off on the flight and that was it. A young person that age isn’t “your child” any more. They are becoming their own adult person. Your desire to see the accommodation says more about you. It’s not necessary. Let her do it her way. She may well change her mind in a few months, especially if you ease off about it.

You mention she is being assessed for autism. Does she often avoid letting you see her in different social circles?

My autistic DS "masks" very differently within his different social groups (school, neighbourhood friends, family) and gets very stressed at even the thought that any of these groups would mix,.as he wouldn't know how to behave. It could be that your DD doesn't want her family to see her in her new uni mates "mask", and vice versa.

Can I ask what your relationship is like now?

You finding it weird still doesn't make it weird to me.

I'm with her, why do you need to see it?

Honestly - your reaction to this is probably reinforcing her decision that it’s the right thing to do. You sound a bit hysterical. She doesn’t want you embarrassing her when she meets her new flatmates

Amazing. I have two daughters now in their mid-20s. We’re really close, and the two sisters are close. We do activities together. I see one of them once a week, but the other less as she lives in a different country - now in Hungary - but we still talk/video chat a few times a week.

She’s trying to be independent

Let her have this on her terms. Act if you have to! Say you are proud of her, give her a gift, maybe biscuits or somethig she can share with new flatmates, and plan something fun for yourself to do that day

Maybe if she’s autistic she’s just being very literal. Because there is no actual need to see it, she’s maybe questioning why you want to so much.

That does seem a shame. Both mine (boys) had no issue with me going into their halls. There were loads of parents looking at their kids rooms, so nothing for her to feel embarrassed about, if that’s what she’s worried about. .

I never saw my son's hall of residence. I never visited either. He'd fly home in the holidays. I think young people don't want their parents hanging round - I think it's hard to feel cool and adult if their mum or dad is fussing round.

SHe probably wants to figure it out herself. Are you likely to say hello to other people, want to chat to her housemates, stand too long in the living area when other students are settling in, start organising things for her, comment on the decor, make yourself a cup of tea. All these things and more are quite possibly the height of embarrassment for an 18 year old trying to be an adult now and she hasn’t even said hello to her housemates, she probably wants to make the first impression without you there. This is where she is going to have to make her first impressions and first conversations with people and she wants to do it her own way on her own terms. I was very much, no help, no interference from my parents at that age, just respect her boundaries. She will come back to you eventually.

I think she's trying to find some independence. Not very sensitively.

There were tons of parents ‘fussing’, the halls were full of them, including me😊. It was completely normal.

simply want to see where my child is staying.

This is raising a red flag for me. She obviously has her reasons she doesnt want you to see the accomodation (yet). Give her the space.

Let me ask you a question. Why do you want to see where she is staying? You dont have to tell me, but in your mind, go over the reasons.

What will you seeing the place achieve?

She is staying there whether you see it (approve of it) or not, maybe she thinks you won't like it, maybe thinks you're likely to criticise and not approve, maybe she thinks you will cause her aggravation, or will be disapproving of the place for some reason, maybe you have a history of acting a certain way and she is trying to prevent that.

Whatever it is, you'd be best to acknowledge that she is moving into a new phase of her journey, one that she wants a little more breathing room, a little more space. If you stop pushing, she will be more likely to stop being defensive (not immediately). If you carry on pushing, she will just get more defensive and push you further away.

I would respect her wishes.

Don't argue about it. Don't be emotionally manipulative. The only thing you need to say here is, "As you wish, my darling daughter."

Respecting her wishes will do more to strengthen your relationship than any amount of you forcing her to bend to your will could do.