DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

She is autistic and wants to blend in. It’s not about you. Leave her alone.

This. I don't think people on MN like their kids much 😂

I’d be upset too. There’s no reason at all why you can’t see it when she moves in, although I understand that she might not want you in her room/hall once she’s made it her own and established a friend group,

She’s asked why you need to see it - so answer her matter of factly. ”Because I love you and I want to have a quick look at where you’ll be so I can picture you there in my mind. There will be lots of other parents having a quick look at their DC’s rooms too. It’s very normal. I’d like to add that I won’t be doing X or saying Y, or spending a lot of time there. I know you’ll manage fine so if I visit you at uni later in the term we can meet on campus/in the city. I’d just like to see your room now before term starts properly.”

So you’d basically threaten to remove her accommodation funding if she doesn’t do what you say?

Yes, she has asked her dad to help her. She has help.

My DC wasn’t sure until he got there and saw other parents and then was fine (though not invited to linger). His fear was he would be the only one with parents there and look like he wasn’t independent.

I probably wouldn't have wanted my parents to come or stay for any longer than necessary. I pretty much shoved my DF out of the door and my DM didn't come. I am autistic and I guess I tend to compartmentalise at times, and also very much wanted to be independent whilst being very socially awkward.

I would have thought drop off was the ideal time to show you (as given a few weeks and it might be that no parent would want to see) but maybe she feels a bit awkward with her mum around her potential new friends. Has yet to see that most parents are mildly embarrassing but often only to their own DC. Try not to take it personally, see if she's up for a video guided tour.

They overprotect them till they are 16, then they go off them between 16 and 18. Then on their 18th birthday they say you are an adult and you will never be referred to as a child ever again, and the ‘adult’ gets kicked out, never to be supported any more 😏

If she thinks you're a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet, that probably explains it! She maybe thinks you'll be critical or overly emotional and embarrass her and Dad will be more matter of fact. I did go to drop my sons at Uni when they started but we just dropped them and brought their stuff in and left, no tears until I was in the car on the way home 😂 they will be getting to know their housemates and there will probably be some sort of meet and greet arranged. Just kiss her goodbye and tell her to have a wonderful time - message her in a couple of weeks and offer to come and meet her for lunch or tea. She'll probably happily show you her room then - but wait till it comes from her!

Don't worry yet!

When dd2 went off to uni she said something along the lines of "I'm now independent, I don't want you coming down, and I'll most likely stay up for holidays."
I will just say we saw her I think it was 4 times over the first term. Firstly she needed something that I needed to bring, then she missed a train back from a night out and it was easier to come home than wait on the platform until morning, then she said she'd love to be taken out for lunch one weekend, and then she came home to see friends.

When the reality hits they may feel differently.

Edited to add: She also having said she probably wouldn't phone either, maybe occasionally messaging, video called me three times in the first week to show me her room, check something had cooked, and to show the hoodie she'd bought (and wanted the money for!)

I appreciate you are coming from a good place. But I honestly agree you should just go with this and respect her independence and treat her like an adult.

The position that you need to see where she will be living makes this day and this change about you. Let it be about her and let her manage it.

I know it might be hurtful that her dad is allowed to take her. But I wonder if she thinks he may have of a reaction (emotional/Hyacinth?) about the day. I remember decades ago my mum insisting she and my dad drop me off. She then started crying on the way there - saying how much she’d miss me etc. then clearly didn’t want to leave when I was trying to talk to people who would be my new friends. I was so embarrassed and felt like she’d made it all about her… when I had enough emotions of my own to deal with. Could it be this in some way…? I’d also take into consideration that halls are usually shared spaces. There might be a feeling of the unknown about who she will be living with and infringing on their space with visiting parents - perhaps not relaxing for those housemates in their new home where they are independent adults.

Also consider how she may mask in different social situations with the (yet undiagnosed) autism. Let her reinvent herself and explore who she is with some privacy from her parents.

I think respecting her requests here will improve your relationship. Why not offer to visit and take her out for dinner. But not demand to see where see lives.

So she wants her dad to take her but not you !

she’s embarrassed of you or worried that you will say or do something that will embarrass her in front of other people .

or she is afraid you will argue with her dad, so doesn’t want you there at the same time as him .

I would have given my son short shrift if that was his attitude. As the person paying for the bloody accomodation and driving him 3 hours to get there, damn straight I was going to see it. Loads of people were moving in the same time and all had their parents with them.

If she is fine with her dad taking her, then it would seem she is embarrassed by something you do-be it behaviour or appearance?! Yes, I would be upset by this as well.

I would ask her to video call you and give you a tour of the flat.

I totally get that you need to see where your baby will be living. It is hard to explain but you just need to know where they she'll be, it helps with the grieving process because we do miss them.

Can she send you a video?

FWIW, due to caring responsibilities, I didn't visit either of my DC's halls for some time (dc1 was early Nov and dc2 wasn't until Feb).

Try not to be upset OP. Hard I know. Definitely not worth a big argument in the days before she goes. Keep the peace. ✌🏻

Leave it for now and head up in a few weeks. They particularly appreciate it then when they have run out of money/would appreciate a nice meal/a mini shopping trip etc. They can be horribly selfish. Leave her to it. It’s a her issue, rise above it. 💐

I agree, it's probably a clumsy attempt at having some independence/privacy so I'd just let it fly. You may eventually see her room you may not, ultimately it's her decision as a newly formed grown up.

“Who is paying?” 🫣

its not pay for access. Relationships shouldn’t be financially transactional.

DD was an absolute state when she started uni. She wanted us there but didn’t; she was in such a heightened state of anxiety it was awful to see. We helped get her stuff in and were then sent away because I think the thought of prolonging it was awful for her.
Be led by her. She doesn’t know how she’ll feel. She can’t have to deal with your emotions as well as her own it’s too much.

I think part of it is not knowing what anyone else will be like and assuming their flatmates will be cool with everything and they don’t want to be the one with mum hanging around. It’s not like that but they don’t know that.

I think you've misunderstood what's being said.
Those parents - I'm one of them - who said to give her space just think if a kid is actively stating a boundary, being pushy won't help matters.

If the relationship is relaxed and secure, the scenario won't arise in the first place.

It's not about being cool, it's about playing the long game. The adult DD has actually expressed a clear wish.

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I have reflected on it quite a bit.

First of all, who said I was "devastated" ?? I said I was "Sad" Do read the OP before riding in on your high horses (just the posters who assumed that I was DEVASTATED)

And secondly, does your child stop being your child once they turn 18? Do they then turn into our monkeys ? The offence this has caused some posters had me cracking up! Of course she is still my child! I'm 48 and my mum still refers to me as her child! I wouldn't have it any other way.

On reflection, yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve and she most likely finds that overbearing so thank you for the posters who mentioned this. I have agreed that I won't be dropping her off and that I will be around for whenever she needs me or wants to meet up in the local town or whatever.

The pending autism assessment has been something that I am still learning about. I try to react accordingly when I am around her as I know how stress inducing some situations can be for her.
But. I take the approach that she, also must learn about the emotions of those who are apparently neuro typical. After all, what is normal? So she knows that I was hurt by her response and that it will not change magically in an instant.

Regardless of what many think, I don't think it's a lot to ask to to see where they live. Especially since you have assured them that it would a quick drop and go.

I have to say though. I wonder how many people would say that I should back off if she one day says mum I have bought a new house or had a baby but why do you need to see it? Judging by some responses here, many will suggest that I am being overbearing or hysterical for wanting to be involved!

I'd give her chance to settle in and feel comfortable with her flatmates before you visit. We first visited DS's flat 8 weeks after he moved in. He was grateful I didn't say a word about all the bottles of alcohol in the kitchen or all the sales cards for drugs that were on the table, because there were a couple of his flatmates in the kitchen at the time.

Agreed. I’m putting £850 per month to cover rent and living costs so hell no to the secrecy. Dependant adults don’t get to set cruel boundaries.

Oh and the "whose paying"? Jeez 🙄

I didn't realise parenting was a bloody monetary transaction.