DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

And what would you do if it wasn't?

I don't think it's a good sign, to be honest. It may be her way of keeping you out of her life as much as possible. She may feel that you going into her room will, in a sense, infect it, whereas she wants university to be free from you. I hope I'm wrong.

Is she compartmentalising home and uni? As in you belong at home and that's where she wants to see you as opposed to her seeing you in her space? Sometimes autistic kids compartmentalise.

No one is being cruel. Honestly. She just wants a bit of space.

Melodramatic.

I think when you say she is on the diagnostic pathway to autism maybe you haven't begun to really understand that if she is autistic she really is quite different in terms of thinking/ social interaction than a neurotypical young person.

I saw my DC halls when I dropped them off. We weren’t sure in advance with DC1 whether we would (DC wasn’t keen initially) but when we got there and he saw other parents carrying stuff in he felt much happier for us to go in too. We went down and saw both DC later on in the year but never saw their halls again until it came to packing up and leaving. I think it became their private space where they could be an independent adult and having parents calling it would undermine that. Also I think they were a bit embarrassed by some of the antics (aka mess) of their flatmates.

I can fully understand you wanting to see so you know she’s ok but if she doesn’t want you I’d back off. I found it helpful to see my dd about 6 weeks in. She showed me around- this is where I have x lecture, this is where me and so and so get coffee after tutorial. I just knew she was fine. So maybe aim for that.
She probably doesn’t want emotional outbursts on day if you are hugging and kissing and fussing it may just be too much for her.

Both mine were happy for me to go there and help them set up. DS's had lots of parents there too as you could only move in on one day. We all then went for a last meal together and waved him off.

DD moved her stuff in with my help as soon as the keys were available then came back home until just before Freshers when I dropped her off again (she was only 20 miles away). Over the next four years I met her (mostly the same) housemates many, many times.

I don't get the reluctance from your DD, she will look the odd one out without parents there rather than with.

My daughter is autistic, with OCD being a symptom. She moved out a few months ago and has asked me, and her dad, not to come to her home. Only her sister and my brother have been allowed in, and that's only because she obviously needed some practical help with moving and settling in. I'm kind of sad but I also understand. There's plenty of other places that I can see her

The daughter, who probably has autism, is trying to manage a stressful move to the best of her ability and the mother isn't helping at all. The daughter isn't being cruel. A lot of comments like yours seem to be incredibly self-centred. Something you might expect from an 18 year old but not from a parent.

I get why you’d be hurt but honestly she is just trying to find her independence.

Do not keep pushing it.
Chances are she’ll not mind you coming in a few weeks/months time.

I really, really would not take this personally.

I feel like I would have been exactly the same as your DD if I went into uni halls and have done many similar things in the past.

I used to not let my mum come anywhere near the dentist or doctors etc when I went on my first long train journey across country when I was really young I didn’t want my mum even being in the train station - I can’t actually put into words why I act/acted like that.
It’s mainly about independence but also a bit of anxiety/forcing myself to be strong.

Not if the mum is an Hyacinth Bucket over-emotional, over-invested, manipulative helicopter parent.

It’s not weird. My kids have recently graduated but it has always been normal for everybody I know to drop their kids off at University, maybe even do a quick shop for them or or also just do a quick drop and leave. But certainly doing the drop-off and saying goodbye to your child is extremely normal where I am. I can see why you must feel hurt.

Exactly. Some of these responses are so strange. The halls were full of Parents carrying bags and boxes and chatting to their young people.

Exactly this!!

She is not being cruel at all.

This is not about OP (you can tell which posters have to make everything about themselves in their lives).

This is about a nervous young person who is trying to manage her anxiety and learn how to be independent.

She has likely relied on OP her entire life and wants to try and do this on her own.

I’m sure she’ll eventually let OP in or send photos etc and so OP is not going to miss out but OP respecting her DDs wishes is going to make such a big difference to DD.

There were tons of parents ‘fussing’, the halls were full of them, including me😊. It was completely normal.

The students are all keen to present themselves to their new flatmates in their best light. So without knowing in advance that fussy parents is part of the rite of passage the idea of having fussy parents there might seem to undermine everything they hope to present themselves as. Best to just agree to play it by ear.

The presence of parents metaphorically impose their childhood into the space where they are trying to be adults.

I think it is also ok as parents to acknowledge our children leaving home is difficult for us too. It is an inevitable part of them becoming independent. We just have to learn to treasure time together.

She's 19 & ND.

You've already said she finds you a little Hyacinth Bucket like and that you can be over emotional.

She's doing what's best for her and what will help her deal with the change.

She's allowing her dad go because he won't as as much emotion or drama to the situation.

He can also update you unless you don't trudt his judgment either.

Please respect her wishes - she's doing it the way she needs to.

I think the autism may be playing a part here. but it does sound tough. I think you have no choice but to respect her wishes here.

I’m laughing at all the cool mums on here. Why on earth would you want to see where your child is living, I just don’t understand it? Hang on, they are not a child, they have turned 18 so why on earth are you describing them as a child? Why are you being nosy? Why do you need to see a generic rectangular room? Such incredulity of the concept of dropping your kid at university!

MN makes me so grateful for our relaxed and secure family dynamics with our young adult children where nobody is embarrassed of anyone and we show healthy and normal interest in each other’s lives (am I even allowed to call them my children as they are in their 20s?!).

Tbf I think there is a world of difference between fears your parents will embarrass you as you land at university at 18/19 and a few years later as established adults in your 20s.

It’s up to the young adult to raise concerns if it’s not suitable or there’s an issue. It’s about them learning to be an adult.

I think this is exactly right. The fact that OP started a row with her DD about this says a lot about the level of drama she could potentially bring to this situation. Much better to go with the parent she trusts won't be OTT on the day.

My kids were not remotely embarrassed with us dropping them off at age 18. Neither were their friends, and all the other students that we saw arriving with their parents when we dropped them at halls. It was the norm.

it is fine if some kids do not want that of course. But some posters here are acting like that they have never heard of such a thing, Parents dropping their children at university, what a thought! That’s what is mildly amusing me.

“why do you need to see it?” COZ IM PAYING FOR IT! would be my reply to my autistic DD 🤷🏽‍♀️

I've recently helped move my daughter into her college accommodation and I didn't see anyone there not being helped by family. It's totally normal to get family to help carry all the stuff from the car.