DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

I’m not dropping my DD off either OP. I asked her (much cooler, uni experienced) older sibling to take her because it would be too emotional for us. We’re super close. DD was very much in agreement. I’m looking forward to a FaceTime tour!

That is a shame. When my dd was dropped off we were given instructions not to be the embarrassing parent who fussed around putting things in the kitchen cupboard or showed her how the hob worked.

So I knew it would be a case of us not hanging around too long. Does she think you'd do that?

I see some mums on wiwikau posting about how filthy the accommodation is - and cleaning it, even though the accommodation doesn't look that bad in the photos.

Well you’ve kinda got your answer there. Shes an adult; respect her decision. She won’t want to commit to plans with you that week, she doesn’t know what she’ll be doing!

I think you hit the nail on the head here, the hugging, kissing, I love yous, waving goodbye tearfully… being over excited for her, possibly wanting a look round, and maybe even talking to her other housemates.. would be absolutely mortifying to me at that age. It’s basically the reason I moved out at 18 and never went back home… until I did at age 25 for a year while I did a masters and that was lovely. I have a great relationship with my parents and they are very involved in my life now. But at 18, I couldn’t get away fast enough.

I think the answers to your questions are both yes. It is fine to feel sad and you also need to get a grip and pull your big girls pants up. She is an adult and can decide who she invites over. Your strong reaction to this is perhaps an explanation to why she'd rather just go with her dad. I can't see why you would think it's OK to start a fight with her over this. Instead you should try and listen to her so that you can understand where she is coming from and perhaps act differently in the future.

It's entirely possible that she feels he'll be less emotional than you. Maybe her own emotions about it are big enough that she can't deal with your emotions too. Try to view is as being a her problem rather than a you problem and give her the space she needs.

I would be really hurt in the context of my own relationship with my child who has just gone to uni. His dad (my husband) and I dropped him and unpacked, took him to Sainsbury’s for groceries and for a quick lunch before we left. The local sainsbury’s was rammed and 90% were parents with their university starters- it was almost comedic.

However, family dynamics are really individual, vary wildly and there is no one size fits all rule for this. You know, OP, if this is standard behaviour for your daughter or not. I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt though and I totally understand why you feel like that.

Many autistic people keep different areas of their life separate. It’s their way of dealing with the different expectations people may have. Overlap can cause unnecessary stress and be overwhelming.

To me a halls is a halls. To an extent. I mean you can see pics online, reviews, see the outside of the building? If you said you were a potential/current parent who's a client then the management or an agent would show you inside?

You can still surely meet her and see her in the Uni town or local area?

I think young people can sometimes find transitions difficult, especially with ND, and I imagine that maybe the idea of her being in the new place and meeting new people but you also being there maybe seems like a bit of a head fuck- she wants to get herself into "I'm at uni" mode, which is going to involve some degree of reinvention, and that's tricky with you being there as well. I think she's taking it to a slight extreme but I don't think it's anything worrying in itself- certainly not something to be "devastated" about 😂

DH was similar when we dropped him off- he was just about ok with us helping him get his bags upstairs but practically shoved us out of the door after that. I've also been chatting with a friend recently who had the idea that she and her husband might stay overnight in the pretty town she's about to take her daughter to, have a nice dinner etc, and her daughter begged her not to because she felt horrified at the idea that her parents would be there somewhere in the same town! It's quite common, I think- some people just want a bit of space to handle the transition.

It may well be that, once she's settled in, she's happy for you to visit.

Best let her dad take her, and, depending how far away it is, arrange a time later in the evening for a video tour once she’s got sorted. But don’t be offended if she doesn’t answer or can’t do it because she wants to go out. Then you can ooh and ah over the accommodation. Don’t say anything negative.

Stop trying to make her feel bad!!
some kids are awkward and some are not!

exactly they're just university accommodation, its not as if she's moving into a private rented house.

I feel for you. We brought these kids up and we want to be involved. I think we forget that we need to be invited to be involved once they get to a certain age. I would just suck it up and back off. Let her get in touch with you. Hard though, and none of it is your fault. 💐

OP, later in the week will be the worst possible time for you to drop in. She'll be completely awash in freshers' activities and no one - NO ONE - will have their mum around at that point!

Ask her to send you pics or a video. I would be hurt too, but there's not much you can do about it. When I went to uni, both my parents dropped me off, but with my niblings, only one parent goes because they have too much stuff for there to be three people in the car. The kids seem to have more stuff these days. (And we had more stuff than our parents, who also had more stuff than their parents!)

Maybe you and your DH could take her out to lunch in November some time, and you could see the halls then.

It's only natural you'd want to see where a close member of family had moved to, as you'd be excited for them. We didn't hang around, but as we were paying towards her keep, I think it's fair enough to know where her home was.

It’s not a bit weird. When DD moved into halls, most of her flatmates arrived at the same time and everyone was accompanied by parent(s) and some had siblings too. Even an international student had a parent with them. It’s perfectly normal. I would have been very upset and annoyed if she hadn’t wanted me there. In fact, I’d have told her that since I’d be funding her accommodation, I would be going to see it!

I was thinking this too. Some mothers can overstep socially and overshare information on their children.

If you think she may be neurodiverse she could just be much more self conscious about 'setting up a new life' than perhaps some other young people might be

My 12 year old is autistic and would absolutely be mortified at this sort of scenario - there will be so much going on in her head, new people, new set up - new start.

DD is AuDHD. She was ok with us driving her and then bring up the boxes. It was a bit mayhem and she was definitely overwhelmed.

We did a food shop and left her. She agreed to meet for dinner but dumped us for breakfast the next day, we stayed overnight as it’s quite a journey.

she had to get some bits but just went on her own.

We bring her on Sunday for second year. We will unload, she unpacks while we collect the food shop and then leave her.

They have to take a lot in, the rooms are small and I assume she also wants to appear independent in front of her flatmates. It’s easy for the parent to take over and that’s just not good.

Let her, just tell her that you will always be there if she needs you. We hardly had any calls or texts for two weeks and after that it settled for short conversations and the odd zoom call.

You may be welcome to collect her when she realises the amount of stuff she has to pack again and clean her room.

My daughter is a bit younger but I can see this playing out like this in a few years. I have form for being a bit overwhelming for my (also autistic) daughter with my 'enthusiasm and chatting' so I can totally see that she might prefer her dad to drop her off, carry her stuff off and leave without any of that. I think you picking an argument about it means it's definitely not up for debate now. Let it all calm down and maybe you can swing by sometime but you'll need to show her that you can stop making a fuss first.

I'm no longer 'allowed' to attend my son's taekwando competitions as I made the mistake of being enthusiastic and taking photos of him (eek!) and his team (double eek!) and so he gets really upset if I suggest coming again. Obviously I know I'm in charge and can just make him let me, but he set some very clear boundaries and I can respect that.

I wonder if this is her version of soiling the nest.

I wouldn’t be happy about this decision, but I think you need to respect her plans. It’s likely she will soften in a few weeks and an offer of a visit from Mom that comes with a meal out and maybe even a supply run will be very appealing.

I think people are overthinking it?

If I had to guess, she has assumed that no one else will have their parents with them and that she will look childish and be left out of socialising if she does. Dad is probably someone she knows will quite literally JUST carry her things inside for her, slink off quietly back to the car as instructed and give her £20 for a night out without speaking to a soul if she’s told him not to. Mums by nature are more likely want to say hi to people and know who their kids are living with.

She’s wrong to assume she will be the only one with parents with her - most parents drive students to their halls and unpack with them - even just for an hour. They might then take them for lunch before dumping them back at their halls to unpack/socialise, but it’s not a full day/evening meal/event as they will want to meet their new flatmates and not miss out on day 1 socialising.

Perhaps if you’ve suggested to her that it’s a huge day time event and entire family thing involving an evening meal and it’s putting her off. Simply offer to pull it back?

Suggest that you all drive there in the car together, you all help her carry her things to her room and if she would like (to be decided on the day) pop for lunch quickly then return her back at halls without going inside so she can unpack by herself and make friends.

She will likely realise how lonely it can be when you don’t know people that first day and want you to take her for lunch.

Is it really a big deal?

My parents never saw my halls either. My mother dropped me off at the door, hugged me and went home.

It's okay to feel hurt, and okay for her to know you feel hurt. Part of being a parent is to allowing young people to be aware how their actions affect others.