DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

Who is paying?

Bluntly - who is paying?

Tell her it is fair and normal for a parent to want to know where their child is living when they first leave home. You won't stay long or interfere or judge and comment, but you do need a quick glance at it.

I remember DS being absolutely horrible to us on get in day. We lugged endless heavy boxes up eight bloody flights and then he expected us to vanish in the mist and was grumpy that we had assumed we could take him out for a meal before we drove home for several hours. This was so uncharacteristic of him - I think it was just how he responds under extreme stress.

I think you should back off - going to university if you are autistic is a MASSIVE deal! I can't imagine my child doing it though of course its years away and things change - let her do it her way - and you can turn up in a few weeks to see it.

@HorseandHeron I'm surprised at that approach tbh - I mean expecting a newly arrived student to have dinner with their parents just as they move in. I can see why you wanted dinner after a long drive - but I still - 30 years on! remember those first moments in my halls - I wanted my mum to vanish! so I could pretend to be cool and chat to my new fellow halls people....

my mind was 100 per cent focused on the new start - I absolutely would not have wanted dinner at that point

She does know where she’s living, though. There’s no need to see it with her own eyes. For what purpose or whose benefit?

I think you need to respect her wishes for now. Your DH can take photos and maybe when she’s fully settled in do a FaceTime with her so she can do a room tour on the phone. It’s a huge deal and it may be she thinks she will be less emotional with her dad.

You’ve referred to her as a child a couple of times OP. She isn’t a child now.

You had an image of dropping her off which she doesn’t want. Try to think of this as a positive thing, she’s taking control of the next step of her life.

My Dd just started year 4 (postgrad) and this is the first year she let us help unpack stuff and see the accommodation properly.
Last three years we took the boxes in and were dismissed. I only got to see the rooms for more than 20 seconds when I collected her for summer and I helped pack and clean.

I think it's completely normal (and not weird) for you to want to see it. On the other hand, she would prefer to keep you at arm's length for a while as she settles in. And it's her choice, not yours. So best just to leave it for now. Possibly the more you debate this the more stubborn she will become. Maybe offer her a lift up after Christmas then see if you can have nosy then?

Never saw any of my kids student rooms.
If it’s Halls then you should know they’re going to be basic but clean. What more do you need to know?

It never occurred to me that I could tell my parents not to linger when they dropped me off! - I admire her for being honest to tell you what she needs.

I think, as others have said, she might think it would make an overwhelming day more difficult if she has your emotions to handle as well as her own.

Also, my son's only 11 but I know he keeps me at arms length if he's doing something he finds hard in public view, as he feels that his own emotions might 'escape' and embarrass him if I'm there trying to be nice to him - like when you're on the verge of tears but holding it together until someone is too nice to you, then you fall apart. His dad took him to a residential course he was nervous about in the summer, and I was left at home because we all decided that would be easiest for him - and of course he was absolutely fine, and better for me not asking if he's ok every few minutes. So I suspect I'll be sidelined if and when he needs taking to uni too!

On the other hand, I now feel very weird that my elderly housebound parents haven't seen where I live now, aged mid-40s!

You will see it at some point in video call. Say no more about it, she is being protective of her feelings and surroundings, you’re both probably feeling extra sensitive.
I doubt she’s embarrassed by you but isn’t sure how she’ll react on the day.

Well DS was paying for his own accomodation.Whars that got to do with anything

But why does she feel hurt? I just don’t get it. No doubt she’s seen pictures or videos on the website of the university accommodation. So she know what’s it’s like and she knows where it is. A video tour later that day will be lovely. And I don’t see what it matters who is paying. You’ve agreed to pay for this set of accommodation, which no doubt you thought suitable. Most people get a maintenance loan anyway. My DC chose the accommodation by looking for the cheapest halls. It was never going to be fancy, but was perfectly OK when she’d got her posters and pictures up.

Why do you need to visit her halls?

I agree it's unusual she wants this boundary, and can understand why you feel confused and hurt, but there isn't a need to see them really.

So I'd suggest taking her for lunch instead.

Could you plan a nice thing to do together before she goes instead?

I think 1. Her big life step/ milestone is about what she wants not you. And 2. "I'm devastated" and "I want to see where my child lives" makes me think you're a bit dramatic and overbearing and maybe she just wants a bit of space and independence.

It's a good opportunity to practise boundaries. We tend to wait to be invited to people houses, not invited ourselves beyond a "let me know when you're ready for visitors"

Given she is being assessed for autism, it sounds like she could be the personality type where this is a bit overwhelming for her anyway and she sees you as an emotional curveball, maybe?

I got my dad to drop everything off when I went purely because he doesn't get emotional whereas my mum does and it would have set me off.

I’m sure she’ll change her mind when you’re sat in the car with coffee and chocolate and she’s having to lug everything by herself up three flights of stairs.

@Thisgirlcandance Can't you just ask her to send you some pictures? That way you get to see where she lives and she doesn't have to have you there (a Hyacinth type of mum would be rejected by most teens from visiting).

My thoughts exactly

Even if she was it's just gonna be a room with four walls and a bed. A wardrobe that's got something wrong with it. A living room if lucky. Shared kitchen/bathroom.

But yeah, halls rooms are exceptionally generic. The only difference might be en suite and or kitchenette or not. And OP must know that at least?

Nobody can tell what it's like living there anyway until everyone's been there a few weeks.

To be honest I remember being the same when I moved into halls, I didn’t want a big emotional fuss and I was excited to be by myself because it felt so grown up! However later on my parents did come to visit, and I went back home to them all the time. I’m sure once she is settled in she’ll be happy for you to come and visit

My immediate thought - all those years of " You can do what you want when you get your own place, but while you're living under my roof..."

She's autistic..and going away to uni
She will be terrified and having parents there makes it harder , because you have to deal with the extra feelings of them going home ... along with the huge change in your life bringing massive anxiety
The hardest bit is your parents not being there , having to manage yourself without them ,and who needs the extra emotions that comes with having your parents in a new environment
I went on the train by myself..I'm autistic to , although I didn't know it at the time .
I couldn't of coped with my parents contaminating my new situation