AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

I wouldn’t want it although I don’t think there is a way to stop him.

Is the money in a junior ISA in his name? I would put it in a savings account managed by you in his name if it's still possible. Then you can control when he gets access to the money.

I’ve said YABU because I don’t think you can stop him accessing this account. I do really feel for you however, I wouldn’t want him to have access to it either. Hopefully he can find his way soon.

If it’s a JISA I think it’s legally his when he turns 18.

As he has turned 18, there is not much you can do about it. It is his money and it will probably all go on feeding a drug habit. If he knows about it, you are stuffed. If he doesn't, try to lose the account book for a few years.

If it's in his name, surely you can't legally stop him from accessing it?

My only saving grace is that I don’t think he will be organised enough to sort out the transfer. I presume he will need ID. He doesn’t have a driving licence and I’ve got his passport.

Is he medicated for the ADHD? That would be my first priority if a possibility. I have a 19 yo dd who is in a similar boat and her savings are with me until I deem her ready for them. It’s only pocket money I’ve saved for a few years so not much but seeing as she’s spending her UC on cannabis and tattoos then saying she’s got no money for food then she’s not having it. It’s in my name though.

DS has a few thousand spread between a junior ISA and a high interest savings account. The ISA he can access when 18 if I transfer it to him but the savings can stay as it is until he’s 23. He has ADHD and I doubt he’ll be sensible at 18. He’s currently 11 and knows that I will decide when he’s able to have it and that it’s for a deposit or similar not just for spending.

Could you use it as motivation to get himself sorted?

Yes I know. That's why I asked!

It is in a child account that we manage but no I don’t think I can legally stop him transferring it to an adult account now which we can’t control. That’s what i am worried about.

I’ll find out from my DH exactly what kind of account it is but my DH seems to think he could access it now he’s 18 and we can’t stop him.

Unfortunately you cannot stop him.

Never mention the money and account. As you say, hopefully he is disorganised and financially illiterate to not know how to transfer it into his name... yet.

He will need ID though, hide the passport.

If you manage it, transfer it to your name sharpish!

Has he had a mental health assessment yet to try to see what is going on? It’s difficult.

YABU as he’s now an adult and those are the terms on which you saved the cash.

I wish more parents thought about this potential outcome before putting 10s of thousands of pounds into a child’s name. Unless you have maxed out your own ISA allowances, there is really no need to risk a young person wasting your hard earned money.

He refuses to take meds as they don’t agree with him. He always struggled on them and pretended to take them and would then spit them out. I believe he got hooked on the weed as a way to self medicate.

Your DH is correct. If it’s in your DS name.

What a boo boo opening an account in a child’s name. Better to just open an account in your name. Try and transfer it if you can. The money will be gone within a few weeks.

my dh had very similar with his dd. Not as much but a good chunk of money and she too was doing all sorts and had cut him off. She got hold of it and spent it all as feared.
not much you can do unfortunately. It made my dh sick the thought of what she spent it on

I guess you never expect to be in such a situation. Our other kids would not behave like this and would gladly wait until they were ready to put down a deposit on a home or similar. It’s also a shame he knows about it. If he didn’t we wouldn’t have the problem.

1. How does he know about this account?
2. Does he know which bank it is in?
3. Technically the money is his for the taking, yes, but broadcasting that the account exists and where it is to a DC who is off the rails is perhaps unwise. You could have placed a lot more red tape in his way by being more discreet. At least you have his passport ID, but if he asks for it back, I’m not sure what legal ground you can stand on to keep it.

Legally, the money is his. The passport is his. You cannot stop him.

If the account is in his name then it's his money, & there's nothing you can do to stop him accessing it.

If you intended keeping control of the money when he reached adulthood, why the heck did you tell him about it? Knowing that money is there likely influenced the decisions he's been making.