AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

This thread 100% confirms why I chose to put my children's savings in an account solely in my name! Thanks OP.

I really feel for you, if feel exactly the same.

but the OP can't keep hold of the passport if he asks for it.

I have a friend who dd spent all her trust fund too - and all they could do was watch. This is not a new story I'd been on MN for long enough not to save for the dcs in their accounts. Apart from the risk of a child receiving the money when they weren't ready for it at 18.
I also felt if we fell on hard times - that money might be needed to pay the mortgage, having it tied up beyond reach of anyone responsible is risky too.

My eldest grandson, now 21, is rather like your son - failed at school exams despite taking them twice, he has severe numeracy difficulties and dyslexia, anger management issues (in a big way) and a big chip on his shoulder about pretty much everything. However, because he's gifted in one of the arts, secured a uni place to start at age 20. His mum had saved for this eventuality since his birth. He knew there was money for him at 18, but didn't really bother with it, didn't know what to do to access it etc. that is, until he acquired a girlfriend who was very clued up in all things financial. He gave her his details and she cleaned him out. His mum managed to persuade the bank to stop the debit card, which helped for a while, but withdrawals resumed soon after via online banking. He's now in casual employment and his mum is paying his rent (as he's picking up some work in a different county some hours away). He still very much needs help with general life skills, we can see troubles ahead because he can't knuckle down and be preemptive, he literally needs dragging into places to sort things out, otherwise things will slide out of control again.
It's so frustrating, OP, you can see where they're going wrong but your help is rejected, your advice counts for nothing, until they see and feel the enormity and the utter waste of what happened they will always blame you. Sorry but now he's officially an 'adult' there's virtually nothing you can do to stop him throwing his future away ☹️

There are.

Which ones?

edited to add, never mind. Nothing you can come up with is the type of account OPDS had otherwise as I said ages ago, she wouldn’t be here asking questions about stopping him accessing the money.

Accounts held in trust
Accounts owned by people where someone else has POA.
Joint accounts.
Accounts where the owner has been deemed not to have capacity by a court.
Off the top of my head, I'll bet there are others.

It's not relevant to the discussion which moved past this a loooong time ago, I don't understand why you seem unable to let it drop.

Have you checked out the law of theft yet?

If it’s any consolation, my eldest son left school at 16, against my wishes but encouraged by his father who wanted crew for the trawler and when 17, he blew through nearly 20 thousand quid in 3 or 4 weeks , buying motorbikes, music centres, TVs, clothes and taking a dozen pals to the bowling alley and clubs every day till it was gone, feeding them, paying for the drink , taxis etc and goodness knows what else.
When he had nothing, he got a job, lost it , then another, didn’t like it, then a third in a short period of time . Then he went to London, got work and is on a decent salary , pretty much the only one in the company who can do all he can do. He owns a house and by any standards, is in a good place.

Oh this is a good sign. It seems like he is still willing to listen and accept help a little bit

It sounds like he is still trying by continuing to look for other jobs

I had a savings account for my grandson that he didn’t know about ( which I know isn’t your situation). When he was 18 I talked to my son ( his dad) about whether to let my grandson have the money which legally he was entitled to. We decided not to as he’d already got a car and my son knew if my grandson got it then he just fritter it away on stuff.
2 years later my grandson decided he and his girlfriend would go travelling. They both worked 2 jobs. One day at dinner he was telling us about his plans and where he was going. I then just passed him the bank statement. He was a bit confused until I explained. Then he got quite emotional.
He went travelling, had a fabulous time and sent us lots of photos and videos. That is a memory he will always have.

None of those are the account type in question though, which was my entire point way back. If OP had the money in trust she wouldn’t be asking here about it as it would already be safe from her DS accessing it. Not sure why you have blathered on to prove that other accounts exist when it’s completely irrelevant to OP situation.

Im laughing a bit at you saying I am unable to ‘let it drop’ when you are doing exactly the same by responding to me.

Anyway, it’s probably time to let it drop, you are right about that.

We have a NatWest first saver as one of the accounts for our children and they requires actions to convert to an adult account at 18, it isn't automatic and I can transfer the money out of the account at any point up to their 18th birthday. It's one of the reasons we chose it.

Good to hear there was a happy ending and he turned himself around. Is he neurodivergent? What changed to make him grow up?

I think he did just that.. grew up …he’d had money, had fun spending it…to be fair, he had earned it working . It wasn’t handed on a plate. But he blew it and at the time , part of me wished I’d been charging him room and board when he was home on his days off 🤣 . He had a blast and then just settled for ‘normality’ . Just as he’d been really untidy till, after 6 weeks of telling him to clear his pigsty of a room up, I went in with bin bags while he was working. When he came home to a clean room with new bed and bedding and £40 of his in my pocket that had been on the floor in change and his stuff gone with the bin man, he stayed tidy, minimalist and decided he hated clutter. Decades on, he still hates clutter. Just flipped a switch, or went with the new flow.
Neurodivergent? I don’t think so. That term didn’t exist for us, anyway. Children could be autistic / on that spectrum..or they were just a pain in the backside , needing discipline and manners. Mine was just bored at school..school didn’t have radar, kept still, and expected him to sit about and waste time most of the time..so he turned up and for the most part, thought he was doing them a favour. He wasn’t disruptive, just indifferent. He’d grown up..to the grand age of five, with freedom most kids don’t have and an education based on earning a living. He learned to walk on the trawler, could name all the fish etc by age 2. Sorted them and prawns by size. He’d come with me in the canoe to see the seals and watch otters and porpoises from the house. Could help gralloch a deer, catch mackerel on a line , collect mussels and edible crabs and the occasional scallop at low tide for dinner, collect eggs from under the hens, bake a cake / scones and help with lambing , all before he started school, which was a let down. I taught him to read and do arithmetic as the methods they used in school were not good…and I had to take him to school in a boat so he missed a lot of days with weather. Had to be taught at home. I had a close eye on what they were doing and the cooperation of the teacher. . He was an avid reader. He’d earned money when he was 12 doing a lambing and bought his first off road motorbike. He just didn’t have the ‘normal’ start in life. We had no neighbours , roads or shops nearby . Lived on an island. Just us. No electricity, no tv . Till he was 7. Even then it was a farm, So when he reached teens, was earning, had the means to get out into town and had a social life, he let rip.

You are literally telling my own sons story.its so hard when they are on self destruct mode huni. If u need an ear, im here to listen @TheSereneBird . Sometimes we just have to let them make the mistake and pray hard that they learn from the mistake. Good luck.

As I said earlier. I am the trustee for my son's 'child' account. It has not 'become' an adult account (he is now 26). It sits there, gaining interest, every now and then I put his 'keep' into it (if I'm feeling flush). I have moved that money about (including ramming it into a high interest regular saver for 12 months). It will depend on the type of account.

I think a lot of parents stuck with the Child ISA that the government were handing out to newborns, £250 to kick-start savings I believe. That's where my grandson's savings account came from.

Right, but as I have said multiple times if the account was in trust for the DS OP would not be posting asking about preventing him accessing it. She knows he can do this with ID, she has said so.

I didn't say it was. But based on the information from the OP, including severe ADHD, drug problems, and impulse control, there is an argument that could be made as to whether he has the capacity to deal with large amounts of money.

it sounds like you really want to fight for him with job but he doesnt want you to
but if you think it will make a difference then do it

just try and fix the issues that were there so same issues don't come up.

i can see u r trying to help him
it must be exhausting
can you try other therapies too that could help him with his anxiety so he doesnt need rely on pills and drugs so much

i think you sound a good mum who cares

how about getting financial/legal advice regarding the money
and what way to proceed here
also if you can persuade him somehow convince him of something in relation to the money into a situation where you have the money in your account
then you could keep it safe

i think this would be better

it is for his own good

he could thank you in years to come

If OP was able to be the appointed person for her son then she would have a duty to manage the money in his best interests. She wouldn't be able to withhold the money from being available to pay rent while he sleeps on a friend's floor. I don't see how thst could be argued to be in his best interests.

The vast majority heroin addicts have control of their own money, never mind cannabis users. Being an addict isn’t a reason to assess someone as lacking capacity; neither is ADHD or being impulsive. People are allowed to choose a bad path, there isn’t much that can be done about that.

Thanks to everyone for your helpful replies.

I am feeling desperate.

The money and the account is the least of my worries. He went to stay with a friend for a few days and then randomly came home the other morning. I heard him rattling arounf downstairs so once he went up to bed I went to see what he had been doing downstairs. On the ktichen table I find 8 or so small containers with white powder - some were in crystal form and had white powder crushed by it. Just left there. I am sure he didn't mean to leave it but I have an younger child who would have trotted dowsnstairs in the morning and seen it. I hid it and gave it to my husband, We were not sure what it was but assumed it was not a good or legal thing. He's now asking me if I have taken anything from him. I have questioned him and said what exactly do you think I took? Was it some weed? He said no not weed. He has told me now it wsa cocaine. I don't know if that is definitely true or he is trying to wind me up but this has happened once before. Last time, we told him we'd taken it and he was not getting it back. We ended up giving him several hundreds of pounds to pay someone off and he swore he wouldnt get involved again.He has told me he doesnt take it only sells a little bit because he needs money. He said he is in debt. We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amountd of weed). I feel so scared and have no idea what to do. Obviously we wont be returning it - my DH actually threw it out. I have suggested he spends the time looking for a job if he needs money. He said he is doing that too but its 3pm and he has only just woken up. How the hell do I navigate this?? Who can I turn to for help? I feel desperate.

He's selling cocaine he will end up in prison ☹️ They won't overlook that.
If he came home and you supported him with food would he be willing to give it a try? So he couldn't claim to be desperate for money? Keeping him away from the dealers etc would be a first step.
He could have killed his sibling is he aware of this?