AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

We support him with everything. We have not kicked him out we do everything in our power to make it amazing for him at home. Only just now he was eating food from the fridge cooked for him and had his clothes hung out to dry. Its a joke. He doesn't need the money unless he has got himself into trouble he wont tell us about. My gut feeling is he does it becasue he wants to and thinks it is a quick way to make money nad be independent. He is not well

You go to the police and try to save him from himself by reporting him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My son is a little younger than yours, all the same issues apart from the drugs but there's time for that and I wouldnt be surprised.
My dad paid 16k each over the years into junior isa's for my children. We never once thought that this was a mistake. Now son is approaching 18, says he will be moving out then , has no way of supporting himself , very immature and also easy to take advantage of. Worries me sick.

He is dealing class A drugs from your house, and you have another child living with you?

I shudder to think of all the things that could go wrong, including you/your husband/your innocent child being hurt, your house being seriously damaged, the police arresting you for be aware of it and enabling it instead of reporting it, etc.

Call the police now if you haven’t already. This is a really serious safeguarding issue.

He is a drug dealer you know that don't you - it's hard. Similar situation when I was growing up. Mum stuck her head in the sand my older brother was truly dangerous although sweet as pie to her.

Your son sounds like a sweetheart.
Sweethearts can be drug dealers and drug dealers and a danger to themselves and their families.

I've no wise words except dont be blind to what is right in front of you it won't help you or your family.

Sorry op - I really apologize I hadnt read your update.

Unfortunately you will get blamed by social services for not protecting your child If you go to them. If you contact the police all hell could break loose. If you tell him you know you will alienate him or maybe your honesty will get him on side and potentially in recovery.

There are hardcore sober coaches that may be able to help that's all I can think of .

In sorry I know it's so hard when you love them so much - but you cannot have drugs in your house or around your younger child. It's seriously dangerous. Take care.

And also my brother dealt partly because he was kept short by my parents - it didn't work. You may find handing the money to him on the condition he uses it for a house deposit will increase his own sense of self esteem and security, and encourage him to think about a job that could mean he got a mortgage and then agreed to invest it till then.