AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

Does he know be has an account or know exactly how much is in it?

If he's just expecting 'some money' I'd be tempted to stick a few hundred in an unrelated bank and tell him that's it.

But I'd only do that if he made serious noises about reapplying for a passport. Otherwise I'd just misplace it or say it's expired.

The ADHD will contribute to him spending it unwisely but is also likely to stop him being proactive in getting it out.

If he's a fully functioning adult capable of handling this money then he can go about the paperwork/documentation himself. If he's not, then it doesn't work both ways so I'd make no attempt to assist (and keep his passport) until he's in a better place.

That money will facilitate a bad life if he has it now and he might be an adult but you can still have his best interests at heart and protect him himself- I see that as good parenting, not a moral issue of 'what's his'.

He is currently on an 9 month referral order to the youth justice team after he was caught with a load of cannabis and non prescription anti anxiety pills. It’s only just been given so I will need to speak to the social workers and ask for more support. He presented himself so well in court and I don’t think the youth justice team appreciate me how troubled he really is. The private therapist is specially to deal with his drug use and behaviours as well.

Yes this is how I see it. The money is for him. We’d never dream of using it for anything else. We are just trying to protect him at this vulnerable stage. That’s what the AIBU was for. (And he knows how much is there - it’s not a life changing amount but enough to do damage with)

"It’s not all his savings as a larger amount is kept in our own savings account"

@TheSereneBird The savings in your own and husband's account are 100% in your control, they are legally and technically yours. Even though you've "earmarked" certain sums, over the years, for him. Therefore you have no legal need to transfer until you decide. So that's somewhat of a relief.

If the other account is soley in his name, there's little to be done to restrict access. (legally)

If he’s on benefits, then tell him his benefits will stop once he receives it and it changes over to his name as an adult, the bank has a responsibility now to pass this info on, so if he doesn’t want to lose the benefits he’d best leave it where it is.
can you move it to another account until he’s 25 stipulated on it?
if he knows about it there’s not much you can do, and if he’s on this trail now it probably won’t stop until he realises he needs to, downside of ADHD there’s no arguing your point, they’ll just continue regardless but hopefully the money they’ll lose will wake them up

Definitely check what type of account it is. There are some accounts that are not automatically accessible once someone reaches 18. I would fight tooth and nail for him not to get access. He will thank you for it once he gets his life sorted. It’s heartbreaking when you have been good parents to them, for them to fall of the path what you want for them. I had a situation with my dd, but not the same as yours with drugs/police. She has turned into a lovely person now in her mid 20s, so there is hope for you all.

Thanks all for listening and helping. It’s been helpful to get it off my chest and I feel better for it and have a bit more clarity. Was feeling overwhelmed and didn't sleep well last night.

Does he know the name of the provider that has his savings?

When DC2 turned 18 I still had to go with him
and sign for him to transfer the money out of his account. He tried to do it on his own and wasn’t allowed as I was still the signatory.
It was a bit of a faff for me but might be useful for you.

Interesting… need to check.

I behaved like your ds when I was his age and I was completely miserable, unregulated, I was always seeking the next thrill, in my head I wanted to be normal, settle down, stop being so impulsive but I couldn't, my head was just all over the place. I never found the solution to my head - I found a dh who adored me, he paid all my debts, supported me emotionally and financially - not sure where I'd be now if it wasn't for him.

Forgot to mention my niece's child account was automatically transferred to an adult's account (Halifax) when she turned 18.

Just don't mention it then and if he asks make noises about trying to find paperwork then let it slip.

Right now he needs you. Getting him to college is the number one priority. He still has a chance but it's his last chance and securing another job with no qualifications and a shaky reference in the current market is a tall order.

Try and let any anger about what has gone before go. Take him there if you can. Offer to sit down with him and sort out whatever needs to be caught up on so he doesn't have to organise the tasks on his own.

Turn a blind eye to everything else if he goes in to college and reassure him he can do it.

Yes he does. It’s an odd one. He has got himself into sticky drugs situations where he has done deals with the wrong people and owed lots of money. He sometimes blames us as we would confiscate huge stashes which he then said he needed to pay back. He didn’t have the money of course and so we told him as long as he had learnt his lesson we would bail him out but he would have to pay us back. When it happened again and again we told him we would use his money and it would just reduce his savings. We never touched his savings but agreed that when he has access he would transfer what he owes. That now runs to several thousand pounds. We don’t care about that money and probably wouldn’t take it off him if he was turning his life around. So yes ifs complicated and why we worry about what he will do with the money.

This is exactly what we do. Tell him how far he has come and how amazing he has been to have continued for over a year working (despite the constant allowances his boss has made). I’ve offered to sit and go through all the work with him and help him with it. And I’ll keep offering. I just hope he decides to go back. Hopefully the promise of the possibility of being transferred to another employer will help. But he lives day to day - no long term planning. If he has a heavy night tonight he’ll just say stuff it in the morning and just not turn up.

Is that even legal though?

You can't stop him unfortunately. If he asks for the book you might offer to arrange to help him arrange to transfer it out gradually to his account so he has some regular income, at least it would last for longer.

Oh no !!!
This is such a cruel vicious circle and so many that's struggle with ADHD do this it's not the answer he needs something he can hyper focus on like a job in barbering or something he enjoys and can be his own boss ?.
Can U help set him up this way with the money ?
It's gunna be an uphill battle but try and help and encourage as much as u can don't be soft on him ! He needs your strength to show him he can become something and use his ADHD as a skill
And organisation skills is what he needs not nagging

It's his money. Plenty of less unruly kids would waste most of it. If he uses it to live on at least he's not sponging off you or the government?

He was in magistrates court for cannabis possession? I didn't even think that was really treated as a serious crime any more. That seems really harsh. If he had a prescription for the same cannabis (well the government one is weaker and more expensive) then he'd be alright.

This.

Try to hide the provider and you know nothing about his passport. I'm surprised you've managed to find him an apprenticeship without any GCSEs. Congratulations are not enough.

Apart from the fact that it would be illegal, being over 18 they are expecting HIM to transfer the money to another account and they wouldn't accept proof from you anyway, only from him.

Unfortunately it's not the first thread I've seen with a child turned a drug addict having access to money but this is a considerable amount I see. So sorry op.

It was a lot of cannabis… he was lucky he was not charged with intent to supply. Plus he had other pills in bottles which he said were for anxiety.

It might be an unpopular idea (and I'm sure illegal) but if I could withdraw the money I would do so close the account and open another in my name and leave it untouched. He would have to take you to court etc to legally access it and that seems unlikely, even if he did it would then be highlighted to authorities the position he is in.

Plenty of apprenticeships are available without GCSEs. You just have to agree to to maths and English functionally skills alongside it. It was and is the most amazing apprenticeship and employer. Which is why it hurts so much that he is prepared to throw it away. I do understand though - it’s become too much and overwhelming given how he lives his life and he is ashamed.

No, I don't think you are. I think you've deliberately ignored all the OP's valid concerns so you can pretend she's a terrible person.

See that a lot on here.

OP is well aware there might be nothing she can do to safeguard her son's money for a few years and she has declared no intention to keep it for herself in the long term.

How long is left on the passport? Can you fob him off until it expires, then refuse to assist with or fund a replacement or a driving license application?
But I fear that he will get the money eventually and it is highly unlikely he will have grown out of this self destructive behaviour, I would be worried about exactly how self destructive he could be with "plenty" of cash.