AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

I remember getting a letter about transferring my child’s Junior savings bond to them. I did but I had the option to get it paid back to me and then reinvest it. If you can do that, you could see if you can put it into something where your DS can’t access it until he’s 25yrs old or whatever.

My son had to go into the building society and fill in a form to close the account and to transfer it to other accounts, from memory, if he hadn't done this then the money would just stay there until such time he went in to close it, he did have to take ID

You can’t remove money out of a Junior ISA or child trust fund. It is the child’s at 18 managed by a parent/ guardian until the age of 18. I don’t get why people think they can just mug off their kids.

Also, there must be something in weed that helps with ADHD. I used to be a massive addict too. Elvanse doesn’t agree with me, so I cut the weed by joining a running club instead.

Those two things are not mutually incompatible.

If she cannot do it because the bank won't let her then it's irrelevant the money isn't hers.

If the bank will let her do it then she can do it whether the money is hers or not, thieves do it all the time.

Most people start saving for people when they are babies, no one sets out to make a mess intentionally do they!

We don’t have great leverage as he is very headstrong but I think if he can secure a good job and therpay below to get his head in a better place he may well agree to leave it until we are ready for him to have it. He’s a good kid at heart just very confused. On a good day he will understand that is the right thing to do and that forcibly taking then money against our wishes is not how he really wants to behave.

we pay for the therapy privately and it seems to be a very good therapist that I researched for months. He’s often willing to chat and open up but then with little notice he will blow up. We are on eggshells. I made the mistake of calling him yesterday and pleading with him to use the last opportunity to speak to his boss (who’d encouraged him to write to HR and def ins his last absence). I pushed too hard as yesterday was his deadline and he kept saying he would do it every day. He hung up and now won’t engage. I have to leave him be for a little while. He will be home for washing/money/clothes before too long no doubt. I’ll then try to help him complete his CV and find a new job (he’d asked for help with his CV last week but he’s been too distracted and erratic to apply himself so I’ll just have to wait until he is ready).

That's putting it very mildly.
He's in trouble with the police and up before a judge, and got fired from work for not putting bothering to show up.
He is clearly not yet responsible enough to handle a large sum of money sensibly. He will almost certainly piss it up the wall and be left with nothing.
OP should never have put the savings in the kid's name in the first place, but that horse bolted a LONG time ago.

You've mentioned 1. you would gladly buy him a small place, 2
. that he doesn't want to buy and be tied down, 3. you don't want him to waste his money on extortionate rent.

Could you buy a small investment property with your money and in your name and rent it to him for a reasonable figure- undercutting the other private landlords? Might be attractive to him, would hopefully cover any mortgage you need and avoid the money being frittered to a private landlord?

Doesn't help with the wider problems I know but if this is within your reach I'd consider it.

I don't know how old you are but for your own sake, I beg you to find another way of coping that isn't going to desert you when you get old.

It's very early days yet but I'm feeling very hopeful about rhodiola, which seems to mimic the latest ADHD drugs with effects on norepinephrine.

Sorry for the thread derail.

I understand why you don't want to give it to him but legally I don't think you can deny him.
The point of the child accounts is that you take advantage of the child's tax allowance or ISA so the money is not yours it is. if you had kept it in your account you would likely have had to pay tax on the interest. So legally once he is of age he has access to it.
Can you consult a financial lawyer to see if there is any way you can legally delay giving it to him given his obvious vulnerability?

Hide the passport and pass book if there is one. If he pushes for it then you could try bargaining unless he plays hardball and gets police/solicitor involved. Doing this may buy you a little time. If you're really lucky he may see sense and turn his life around but let's not get carried away.
Sorry OP.
💐

If its a child trust fund it has to be opened in their name, I doubt when their son was born they foresaw such issues

just been through this. The bank will transfer it automatically to adult account. But the letters and emails will go to last known address. Presuming this is your home you can intercept the mail. But if they email or call him he will be able to access this himself.

the bank will no longer deal with you

Same. Although I understand your feelings I don't think you can legally prevent him from accessing his own money..

Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear this in black and white and say out loud what this actually is. It hurts so much to see my child suffer like this and be so powerless to make it right.

Are you still able to transfer the bulk of the money to another account, then earmark that to give to him later? Give him access to some of it now, to blow it, and keep the rest safe?

We moved our kids savings into a counts in our names before they turned 18 so that they would not be disincentivised to try and find work/study at a crucial age

i think a lot of teens would not be able to handle that amount of cash

I have this situation. I deal with it by never mentioning the money or where it is, hiding all account details, hiding post when it comes through and relying on the fact that he probably lacks the executive function to jump through all the hoops required to actually access the money - esp as the bank has no high street presence. Legally there is no other recourse and it’s a real gap

Just love him. Be there for him, he will turn things around. Those with supportive families nearly always do. He’ll find his feet.

No but she doesn’t have to tell him where it’s saved or how to access it. Doesn’t sound like he has money for a solicitor to order disclosure or anything so until she tells him he can’t find it.

He is due at college tomorrow. He could still save that and as it’s an apprenticeship they would help him transfer to another employer. But he doesn’t want to face how behind he is so I suspect he won’t turn up and will brush it under the carpet. I don’t know whether to nag and remind him or just leave it now.

She can’t transfer money out of the account because it’s not her account.

Don’t call it nagging. Ask if he wants a lift to college tomorrow.

can you get some professional advice about this?
sounds worrying
i understand your fear and need to protect his money
and if he wastes the money as a teenager he might regret his decision as an adult in years to come

is he getting any help for his drug use and other behaviours. I know you have got him therapy which is good.

Patronising or what? I think you’re understanding perfectly well. She doesn’t want her son spending savings on drugs and spiralling even more. Does that make her a terrible parent in your eyes? As it makes her a very sensible one in mine.