AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

He knows who the provider is.

i would see how you could phrase it to him in a nicer way
teenagers push back to nagging and telling them what to do in my experience

I do not think you can legally stop him now, and it sounds like at some stage he will get access. I would be tempted to filibuster when he asks and say you do not have the book/account numbers etc, but if he wants access he will get it. I would sit down and have a clear discussion around where he is going from here. You are doing quite a lot to support him and it is now time for him to do the same. We had problems with our younger son- not doing enough work, out drinking and getting into some trouble. We told him we loved him, that we would always supply the food and the roof over his head, but anything else was up to him. It took a couple of years, but things did change. My advice- set some boundaries and be clear he drives his own life, you can only help him.

Did that post make you feel good, how long did you spend thinking of ways to kick a person when they are down?

What do think happens when someone is involved in addiction and the sketchy world around it and they suddenly have a lot more money than usual?

• People suddenly remember “old debts” you didn’t know you had.
• You become everyone’s new best friend until the money is gone then they drift on to the next source of funds.
• People offer you amazing business opportunities to make a fortune (which you don’t and then you have more “old debts” to dealt with)

I’ve seen this happen to people on the fringes of these worlds. All addicts need money and the people who prey on addicts are not nice upstanding citizens.

OP you are right to rely on his own disorganisation for as long as possible. Keep deflecting when he asks about the money as distract him if needed. I agree with a previous poster don’t nag him about going to college but offer a lift but perhaps do it in an indirect way like “let me know if you want a lift to college”.
Good luck.

I have a young adult son with adhd. It feels like such a vulnerable time for them. Impulsive decisions at this stage could have big consequences.
Mine isn't involved in drugs but I'm spending a lot of time and effort making sure he stays in his job.
Good luck to you and your boy. I hope it works out.

Honestly I'd try to talk him into reinventing it I to a Lifetime ISA for house deposit.
Its then tucked away.

This is the exact reason my kids don't have ISAs but thats easy to say after the event. He won't be the first or last to blow a shed load of money.

I understand why you want to, but it is his money and you have no right to withhold it.

If there's anything you can do to stop him accessing it, do it, although obviously legally it is his. I was in a similar position at age 18 and I remember the agonising nausea of realising I'd spent it. Hopefully he gets sorted out and once his brain fully develops he'll thank you for it.
Our main savings accounts for our kids' futures are not in their names to avoid this happening - sorry OP too late for you but maybe something for others to think about. 18 seems a lot younger nowadays.

The money is in her son's name. That is tantamount to theft.

DS is an adult and entitled to access and use the money the way he wants.
If he's able to transfer it and use, consider it gone.

The key thing here - having similar with siblings (both DH and I) on both side of the family is NOT enabling him after. For our siblings, our parents had to learn to draw boundaries.

One set has to an extent - DBiL lives half way across the UK from them. For 15 years until he stopped the drugs and related psychosis, theft, physical assault and stood on his own feet, he would stay at a b&b when visiting them. He seems to have settled. He's not set foot in our house. Unlikely to.

My DB, on the other hand, was mollycoddled and got what he wanted, when he wanted. He lives with parents. Had commandeered half their house, moved his girlfriend in, without asking, doesn't work, doesn't help them, and was physically and mentally abusing them, until his last breakdown. I stepped in to separate them for all of their own good. But lo, and behold, my DM let him back in. I've stepped away, as cannot get involved.

Setting boundaries for the bigger picture and getting your DS to be responsible for himself and his future is the key. The money really means nothing.

There are lots of different adhd medications there might be another one that would make the difference. It does sound like he's self medicating with the weed. Even the various supplements - lions mane etc - could be worth a try to not be on the illegal drugs.
if you tell him he has to make an appointment at the bank and go in with his ID etc do you think he would be organised enough to do that?
If you can drive him to college today I would. Far too many young men with ADHD in prisons, your concerns are all justified

In what world can you just withdraw all the money and close someone else’s account? Of course it’s illegal. Also banks are not in the habit of just letting people take other peoples money, thankfully.

Have you determined what type of account it is OP? Of you are this worried you ready should arm yourself with the full facts. If it’s a junior isa the provider would have written to your son as soon as he turned 18. If it’s a child’s bank account then they don’t appear to automatically do that. My DS had money with Tesco in a child’s account and it was like something out of the Middle Ages to get the money transferred. With his junior ISA it was much easier for him to sort, but he had me named as a second on his new ISA so I can keep an eye on it. If your son is so disorganised leave him to attempt to sort out himself, legally it’s his responsibility to.

If he legally can access it then there is nothing you can do. If he can't legally get his hands on it you are entirely reasonable to decline. Why you didn't transfer it out before 18 is beyond me ... I refrained from giving my son (27) a massive amount of money, waited to see how he behaved with a small amount first (complicated, as legally it was my money)h

Might he reconsider medication?
Did he just try stimulants before?
Non stimulants Atomoxetine or Guanfacine can help massively in reducing overwhelm and anxiety/worry, which might just give his head enough space to make plans/choices.

Just don't let him access the money or passport regardless.

Only do so if he gets the police/courts and solicitors involved and you're threatened with a criminal charge by not doing so.

However, if he's that financially illiterate, disorganised, having trouble keeping appointments, and can't sort out Apple Pay, then doubt that would happen anyway.

You can set up a lifetime ISA and slowly move the funds across - he can then access it only for his first house purchase. Probably something you should’ve started few years ago based on his trajectory, but not too late even now. It will also attract 1K from the Gov each year so high returns.
Teens with ADHD are tricky to keep on the right path, I feel your pain.

So your suggestion is for OP to commit fraud and theft?

Just want to mention if he claims Univeral Credit and doesn't remember about the savings, he'll end up getting done for fraud eventually as ultimately it is his money.

Totally sympathise with you though, wish there was a type of account we could open as new parents to lock the money away for 25 years but without the extreme version of a private pension.

OP cannot do this. The money is not hers to move. The account is in the name of her DS, who is an adult.

Can I change topics and ask another question here. The money is one issue. But I’d love to advice about how to handle the job he has lost.

i believe it is salvageable if he would appeal it. Essentially he has worked there for over a year. He works full time and often works evening shifts and weekends. Well over the legal limit. He was fired for not turning up to one too many Saturday shifts and his boss lost the plot and fired him by text. Told him to to return then removed him from the group chat and rota. My son planned to go in to sort it out but didn’t turn up the first day back genuinely believing he was meant to be back two days later. He didn’t have access to the rota. So he was the formally fired for not turning up. What I believe HR don’t know is that he was actually fired for not turning up to his Saturday shift via text some weeks before. (They were closed over the holidays). He has been given a chance to appeal but he is refusing to do so - says he will but then doesn’t. He seems very confused and overwhelmed by having to deal with it and said he doesn’t want to land his boss in it and it’s his fault for letting is boss down and agreeing to weekend shifts. The thing is they have acted illegally not least given they know he has severed adhd and really struggled with is mental health. But he won’t fight for himself. I’ve explained all this to college and they said he should absolutely put all of this in writing but he is so stubborn. But they can’t interfere with the employer themselves. I don’t know what to do for the way and whether I should intervene with the employer? It is so frustrating as he is close to finishing - just a few more months to go.

There is, you just keep the money in your own name.

I'm very sorry to read about your and your son's troubles. It must be heartbreaking for you.

The brutal reality currently is that your son is sleeping on a mates floor and most likely drug dealing for money. I say that because of your updates that your son has been arrested with large amounts of canabis and you have paid thousands of pounds to dealers. If he isn't drug dealing now he likely will be soon. He has no means to support himself and can't claim benefits due to his savings - if he does he will later be accused of fraud.

I think you said he is due at college tomorrow but you feel he might not go. I would arrange to give him a lift if you can. You need to talk and you need to listen to him - there is no point saving his college place if he doesn't intend to follow through - that's just more stress. He might be better to get a job and earn some money to support himself if he doesn't want to be at home. He might also find it less stressful with no homework or projects.

Your son has issues to overcome and sleeping on his mates floor is not sustainable. Is his mate also into drugs/dealing? If he isn't he won't tolerate your son for long. If he is then it will be hard for your son to change while he lives there.

I think you should talk to your son and tell him you appreciate he found it hard living at home - but perhaps it is also hard sleeping on his mates floor? He needs to choose whether to live back home or rent a room/lodge using his savings (that you hold). You must allow him to use the savings for this purpose as these savings prevent him claiming benefits to pay for a room. If he chooses to rent a room I would set it up for you to pay his rent direct if you can, from his savings, as if you give him the money he won't pay his rent. Don't let him get his own flat - it will become a hangout for all the local dossers. Tell him he can't afford it/his money won't last long enough. Lodging with all bills included is what he needs ideally.

He will need a weekly allowance to live on also. Not monthly else he'll be skint for 25 days of the month.

Lodging somewhere with mature caring people would be ideal - but they probably wouldn't tolerate your son's cannabis use. Shared houses that would not care about cannabis use will again probably not help your son's lifestyle.

He needs to think hard about what he wants his future to look like- I think all you can do is lay out his choices and the pros and cons of each (and hope it never occurs to him that taking his 30k, or whatever, and blowing it in 6 months is an option.

Please try to help your son choose his path taking into account his health needs and strengths and weaknesses. The old saying - if you measure a fish by it's ability to climb a tree it is always going to fail. What life choices will actually work for your son?

Wishing you all the best.

ok i see

i meant professional advice about the money
in the account

Indeed, something that perhaps could’ve been done before he turned 18 but too late now