AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

Transfer it to an account in your own name.

Lesson learnt and I’d give this advice to parents considering putting money in their child’s name as you never know. The savings on tax is perhaps not worth it.

i will just have to hold him off and hope that with his therapy and contained support he will turn things around for himself. I guess money aside it’s all just very stressful. I don’t care about the money not really, I just want him to be safe and live a good life and it’s so frustrating watching him self destruct.

Yes. But do you think the son will be organised enough to go to the police and file a complaint?

It’s legally his, however I don’t know if you can lock it in a trust until he’s say 25.

Am I understanding you correctly?

No.

But when you start saving for them when they are babies you don’t have any idea what they’re going to be like at 18 ?

I’ll look into this. I’ve mentioned to my DH.

I’d imagine that would have had to have been done before 18.

Agree but before they’re 18 you can remove the money. Depending where it is, you may lose interest for doing so, but you still control it.

He didn’t just start behaving like this at 17 years and 364 days old, they had plenty of time to resolve it while they still legally were able to.

But why take the gamble? Just to save money by not paying tax?

Although this is clearly illegal and could get you charged with theft, I would probably do this (if it's possible) in the hope that he hasn't got the gumption to sort it out or anyone around him who will sort it out.

I suspect it's not possible now he has turned 18.

You're in a terrible bind, so sorry 😐

Are you in the uk? What is he currently doing for money if he’s lost his job? Because if he’s planning on claiming any benefits that are means tested, he won’t be able to. If he doesn’t declare the savings and claims anyway then he would be committing fraud.

I had this same discussion with my DH when our kids were born and I was never comfortable saving in their names for this very reason. I was overruled though and it has caused us problems.

Sadly I don’t think there is much you can do legally if he’s determined to get his hands on it. Life lessons all around. How much support are you currently providing for him and do you have any leverage with this to persuade him to transfer it into some kind of account that he can’t access as easily? If he insists on accessing the money regardless, then I would be cutting him off financially from that point onwards. If he’s determined to waste it all it would have to be the last penny he saw from me.

OP cannot do it. The money is not hers to transfer.

It is what it is now with the money. It’s not all his savings as a larger amount is kept in our own savings account. The more important focus now is keeping him in a good place and hoping he will decide to make some sensible choices. He’s lost his job and will run out of money very soon so he will be back home no doubt.

His mental health is very poor. I’ve no doubt he is aware that he is a big disappointment. He’s mentally ill and trapped in addiction.
The money isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. He has a disability that makes holding down a regular job difficult, sounds like he’s drowning and putting on the careless attitude. I’m sure he cares big time that he is not functioning normally.
Take your foot off the pedal around jobs/monies.
His mental health is the most important.

You are not unreasonable, but legaly the money is his and if he wants it desperatly enough he will find a way.

Si I suggest to give him the money in smaller amounts like 300 a month. Yes there is still a change he's going to waste it, but it at least will last longer and he doesn't blow everything in a few months.

I'm not saying it's an ideal solution bit maybe the lesser evil.

You can’t legally do this. Yes, you can login to the account and make changes/moves (because you opened the account and have the login details obviously), say to an account with higher interest. but legally you CANNOT move money from Junior’s account to Mummy’s account.

Oh OP, I don’t have any advice regarding how to safeguard the money for when he is older, but I do know how you feel and have solidarity. My son has behaved almost identically and I know how worried you must be. Slightly different situation in that he already had access to the money from his grandparents and was using it to fund not working and drugs. He just existed for 2 years. It’s so stressful and I really feel for you. I couldn’t get him to engage with MH either. In the end I encouraged him to take a year out and go travelling in Australia, get away from the toxic environment here and help him “adult” as he will need to stand on his own two feet. Fast forward 5 months, he loves it, he has a very well paid job, has been saving to buy a camper van and travel Australia once he has saved enough money to live for the next 6 months!! I cannot tell you the change it has made. Please know, your son will eventually make good choices and sometimes it is about letting go and helping them to fly without you. Take care x

It’s his when he is 18. There is nothing you can do about that. You shouldn’t have put it into a junior ISA or child trust fund if you didn’t want him to have it. You can’t within his ID documents he’s an adult. Perhaps sit him down and work out how that money could be used to get him back on track. Other than that sometimes they have to fail to improve.

Destroying someone’s passport to control them, which is what this would be, is coercive control and can be construed as coercive or controlling behaviour under the Serious Crime Act so tempting though it might be it’s not a route to take. Just having or controlling someone’s ID without a reasonable excuse can also be a crime under the Identity Documents Act, so if he’s asked for the passport back and the parents have refused they’re on a sticky wicket. But I feel for the OP - it’s a tricky position to be in.

Could you get it into a five year fixed bond somehow? Then that kicks the can down the road for five years

Op yes what a worrying time,
Can you transfer it in to a high interest account or a bond account and stipulate age appropriate via a document from a solicitor,

He isn't emotionally mature enough or responsible now to have access to it,

Would it help to get some advice from your bank,

Cross post!

From what you said, he won’t have the wherewithal to transfer it to himself. I’d leave it and not mention it again.
If some of the cash is going to be spent, a better use might be an ADHD retreat abroad, time in nature, movement, and a bit of structure around understanding how his brain works, rather than another conversation about the money.

He’ll be okay. It’ll take longer than expected but he will be okay. Self medicating is a massive problem. I’d ask him to try Steraline too, it takes a month to get through the strange side effects, after a month, it’s brilliant.
I was once a weed addict. It’s extremely hard to break free without support.