AIBU to feel embarrassed after no replies in the class WhatsApp group?

[Exhausted553]

I messaged on class WhatsApp group if anyone wants to go for a coffee after drop off one day this week and no one has responded! I sent this afternoon and can see everyone has read but no one has replied.

Feel really embarrassed. I’m a total introvert anyway and it took lots of guts to reach out. Shall I delete the message, if I’m able to, or shall I just leave it there? It’s embarrassing no one responded to me. How am I supposed to get close with these women if no one responds? It’s a very small village primary with only 12/13 kids in class.

How do others get close with the parents in their kids classes? I know a couple from before as our kids were in nursery so I’ve had a few play dates individually but I was trying to get to know the group as a whole and not leave anyone out.

OP, my DC joined a state school in year 3 and I put a similar WhatsApp in the group to zero responses! Was mortified too. I have ended up very good friends with a small group who invited me after a short while to drinks/coffee dates. They were just not the reply to all type of people but I also think there were some mums who had already found their tribe and weren’t looking to meet newbies. Give it time and continue to engage with the mums you already know. Don’t worry about the other class either. They are unlikely to socialise as a big group for long.

When this happened to me I followed it up a day later with a gif of a tumbleweed lol

No wonder you're exhausted, awake so early. My experience at a state primary was no different from the one you're having now. I don't think it's unique to private schools. Not pleasant but try not to let it get to you, and try not to think 'private', because it's just a school and developing a 'thing' about it will only make it feel worse.

TBH I think that by y3 most school gate friendships are already established. And the reality is that while parents do make friends at the school gates, those friendships are usually purely by virtue of the kids being friends and the parents having that in common. Few school gate friendships last once the kids start going to school on their own.

I moved out of an area where I’d made loads of friends at the school gate to a new area where DC was in y4 and we knew no-one. And never really got to know anyone except one parent. Because they all already knew each other and had their established friendship groups.

Although I’m bloody glad WhatsApp wasn’t a thing when mine was at school, these school mum WhatsApp groups sound a nightmare from what I read on here, and just another way to make people feel isolated.

Don't delete it. Be breezy. If anyone mentions it to you, reply with "oh I forgot about that! Yes sure when would be good for you?" Or "oh it's such a busy time isn't it? We'll work something out when convenient"

I've moved around a lot and have sometimes found that when establishing a new social group, you might need to put more in than you get out to start with. Don't take it to heart, as others have said you were brave to put the message out there - I bet some of the other mums wouldn't dare!

I would arrange things with the children first, the summer picnic sounds like a good idea, you then get to meet the parents the children okay and if there are any you click with you see if they want to go for coffee etc. Most mums at DS' school work so trying to get in anything social is very difficult

Don't let other people's behaviour make you doubt your own OP.

What you did was perfectly friendly and normal. You did the right thing for your child in looking to be sociable with the school parents.

They are either busy or rude, there aren't really other explanations, but it is most likely just busy.

Just hold your head high and continue being the normal, unaffected mum. Don't delete it or say anything like "oh I was worried I'd done the wrong thing." Just let their behaviour hold the space.

You have possibly stepped on the toes of some busy-body who considers herself the Whats App coffee co-ordinator or some childish nonsense, but don't let that bother you: the other mums will privately find it funny if that's the case. I would!

I agree with going with the other class if yours aren't friendly.

There's a group from the other class of my youngest that always meet at my local cafe every Friday. I started hanging out with them even though our kids weren't particularly friendly and it's been nice just to have some local mum friends who always had a consistent plan. This was probably around Y3/4 too, and now all our kids are going into Y10, we still have Friday coffee.

My eldest child had friends who were all the youngest siblings and weren't really interested in making new friends, and I didn't really gel with the parents of my youngest's friends so it was nice to have someone else to chat too.

Maybe suggest the park after school one day - word it as

be lovely to meet up before the weather gets bad . Who fancies going to the park after school one day next week - can anyone do a Wed or Fri ?

obv if you can only do certain days then put what days you can do and often a fri works well as no school next day

This is a good invitation, but I think if I were you, I'd leave it now OP and let someone else step up.

If you are already feeling ignored, you will only feel worse if they ignore that too.

Just leave your previous suggestion sitting open as it is. I feel it is kind of ball in their court now.

I don't think you've failed, OP. You've made one attemot to reach out. 🤷‍♀️
I also don't think you need to be blase about your offer if it gets mentioned. Just say you're wanting some adult chat when you get a break from the kids and get to know some other mums. There's nothing weird about that.
If you see any of the mums at drop off and you introduce yourselves just say, I'm the one who messaged getting together for coffee if any is interested sometime. And leave it at that. Make pleasant, brief, small talk until you can establish what everyone is like.

You got nearly 200 replies on mumsnet 😆

But seriously, ever since I turned 40 or so, I really wouldn’t care.
You tried, they ignored it (nobody is too busy to reply with a simple yes or no), and they were rude.

Thst said, some of them probably will reply. I’m in lots of different groups, and most people take a few days to respond

I think I’ll be friendly every time I see them but I’m not going to suggest a Meetup again as it’s too much for me right now. I’m really disappointed as I stupidly told DD a couple of weeks we will have a Halloween party and invite the class. I’ve been promising her one for a while. I thought this was the perfect time as new environment and mostly new people.

I don’t want to be outing but the school she’s in only starts from year 3. She knows lots from pre ious school but many have also joined that she’s not met before.

I can’t be bothered anymore, I have lots to do on my day off and not going to let them upset me anymore. I’m going to enjoy my 2 days off now and not dwell on it

I am exactly the same and it would take me a lot of courage to send a message like that. It won't be about you, rather that everyone is busy with things. Leave the message up and people might respond in time, if they don't, their loss!

Have the Halloween party- it sounds fun! You will then have a wider chance to meet with other parents and chat with them and probably have a coffee date or two after that.

^^ agreed
People can be funny. It could be for loads of reasons they didn’t reply or they could just all be knobs, who knows. You were brave and open. Hopefully someone takes you up on the offer. I personally wouldn’t be able to do a lot of meet ups with a school mum but if our kids were in the same class and I didn’t have concerns about you / child then I’d definitely try work around my work and have a coffee at least

Have a Halloween party but make sure you get def yes or no so you know for food /games etx

@Exhausted553 I'd still have the Halloween party. Can the dcs just be dropped off?

I hope you can make friends elsewhere. These mums sound rather rude.

🤣

What happened after that?

Not my cup of tea. Meet for a coffee 😂.

I didnt get close to any of the parents. Saw 3 DC through school without it. It stands out that you said you forced yourself but didn’t really want to. Why is that? You don’t have to be part of a ‘mum’ group, it’s fine to just do drop off and pick up and be polite without forcing friendships with people you have nothing in common with.

It got some crying laughing emoji responses followed by a couple of excuses of why they didn't reply.

I did end up later becoming close with some of the mums. It's always a risk putting yourself out there. I just try not to take it personally.

Haha that's good. Well done.

So did you "advertise" is as a class meet up like other classes do?

If the mums already have friends they may not be bothered about more if it came across as you wanting to make friends?

That tends to just happen I think.

Still have the party! You can then arrange more meet ups after that.
And go meet the mums in the other class. It doesn’t matter I’m sure the kids will still play together at lunch etc