AIBU to feel embarrassed after no replies in the class WhatsApp group?

[Exhausted553]

I messaged on class WhatsApp group if anyone wants to go for a coffee after drop off one day this week and no one has responded! I sent this afternoon and can see everyone has read but no one has replied.

Feel really embarrassed. I’m a total introvert anyway and it took lots of guts to reach out. Shall I delete the message, if I’m able to, or shall I just leave it there? It’s embarrassing no one responded to me. How am I supposed to get close with these women if no one responds? It’s a very small village primary with only 12/13 kids in class.

How do others get close with the parents in their kids classes? I know a couple from before as our kids were in nursery so I’ve had a few play dates individually but I was trying to get to know the group as a whole and not leave anyone out.

My daughter has just left school and I have never been to a coffee morning and don't feel like I missed out! She had good friends and lots of play dates when young when the parents and I were perfectly friendly and then sleep overs when a bit older. I "knew" them and trusted them but they were not my friends. One mum called me when she was stuck for someone to collect her child a few times, I also helped out when she was very ill but the parents were not my friends. School is actually a small amount of time over the years and I would not build my life around it. I worked FT and my DD was with a child minder who did drop off in the morning and I picked up almost every day but she had clubs and activities so I grabbed and ran....no regrets. I watched Motherland and Amandaland and if that was my life I would probably have a breakdown!!

Give it a few days then but also why not just go in and have a coffee and bump into some people. We actually didn't have a coffee shop anywhere that near the school which I possibly one reason it was never suggested and I hadn't actually thought about that. There was literally nowhere to go unless we walked about a mile.

I feel better actually not being friends with the other parents in my son’s class (reception). I just find it too awkward if our kids have a falling out etc and so I’m only friends with one person who was my friend before our kids were in class together.
Sorry OP! I’m keen to make friends from basically any other area of my life, just not this one. I wouldn’t ignore you tho.

Well done OP, people are so rude these days, it doesn’t take much to reply and they should be getting to know each other somewhat since you’ll all have to engage at some point to navigate play dates or birthday parties. All people have to do is respond quickly on their commute or in the evening when kids are in bed. If really doesn’t take much to text back one sentence. I can’t understand people like this, send a bloody voice message if texting isn’t your strong point! And people saying they’d be too shy to respond in a big group chat and would wait for someone else to reply first, oh for Christ sake, put your big girl pants on!

If your children are now school age you may find it easier to make friends via hobbies than your children’s friends’ parents. Most of my friends post uni are hobby related.

Daft as it may sound I’d follow it up with ‘or if everyone is busy / working’ maybe an evening drink once the first week is over?’ If no one replies well you’ve tried then move on

Putting a tumbleweed gif would be exceptionally twatty in these circumstances.

Id do it to my bestie if we were laughing about a situation like this, but to a school group chat? Nope. Cringe.

It’s a good gesture OP, whether or not anyone responds, leave it there; you planted a seed, just see what happens over the next weeks

Agree

People are busy and self-absorbed - don't worry that 'everyone has noticed'.

If it were me, I'd reply to myself 'Just me then' with a blushing face emoji, then a cry-laughing emoji, and post details of the cafe. Then make sure you go, with a good book or magazine, and get yourself an excellent coffee and a pastry.

Someone might drop by, and you've signalled you're happy to be approached, while also being self-sufficient.

People are also flaky - so often don't want to commit in advance, though very grateful if something has been organised if it turns out they can go.

I remember going up to the wrong table of school mums once in a cafe, when looking for a friend and guessing they would know her. They looked surprised at first and said, 'oh, are you joining us?' - recognising me as being at the same school, but not someone they had ever met. I explained I was looking for X, who I then found at another cafe.

But I realised then that if I had actually invited myself to join them, nobody would have died! They didn't look annoyed, or baffled, just split-second surprised - but still kind and welcoming. Most people are!

Don’t feel silly OP. You sound really lovely and friendly. I think it’s really rude for the other on the chat to not respond. It takes a few seconds to send a quick “I’m busy on those days but thank you so much for the suggestion x” etc etc.

However, I do think there is a lot of pressure on women to become ‘close’ and ‘friends’ with other mums in your kids class. I don’t like it tbh. I find it all very performative and cliquey. It’s like being friends with people for the sake of being friends, and having nothing in common with them other than that your children are the same age.

Don’t delete it. The people who will want to reply, will reply. And if you don’t get any at all after a couple of days then you don’t want people like that as your “friends”. Chalk it up to experience, and I think you’re better off finding friends in hobbies you enjoy where you’ll meet people in a much more relaxed and natural setting.

At least you tried OP. Could it be that there is already a social scene that you aren’t part of as you don’t get involved previously and they all have their own chat/ coffee meets?

Just arrange to meet the people you already know? Why does everyone have to meet up with everyone?! Just let any relationships develop naturally rather than this forced togetherness just because your children happen to be in the same class.

On ours I know some feel equally awkward putting themselves out there, so don’t reply. From experience though they usually message privately a few days later to say they’re free, or catch you at drop off to arrange.

@Exhausted553 Following your message… You’ve really got no reason to feel embarrassed, but I know what you mean as I would feel like you do. If no responses by tomorrow lunch/ afternoon, I’d probably send another saying “I’ll take that as a no then 😂” - just to ease my own embarrassment and act as though I’m not bothered and that I’m laughing at the situation. Might also spur someone on to take you up on the invite. They might’ve been busy when you sent it and the evening has run away with them. Or they’ve been waiting to see if anyone else replies.

Don’t delete it, it normalizes reaching out and someone else might do the same
in a week or so.

In future, I would say ‘child and I are going to the playground on x road after school on Thursday if anyone fancies joining ‘ then it’s less embarrassing if no one wants to. Or you can say ‘I’m going for a coffee at pret before pick up if anyone fancies it’ most people are probably rushing to work!

To avoid situations like that on a group, sometimes it’s better to post something like:
”If anyone wants to XXXXX, message me.”
That way, for all anyone knows you might have had some direct one-to-one responses.

But seriously, don’t delete today’s message. Leave it up and try not to dwell, and carry on being your lovely self at the school gates. Sometimes bonds take a while to form.
x

I think you should be hugely proud of yourself for having reached out! And even if no one replies now, it will come into play in the future. You’ll be talking to someone and they’ll remember the text and suggest a coffee. You’ve created a bigger possibility for these things to happen and that’s a brilliant and brave thing to have done!

Hi OP

I have two kids in primary school, in one class loads of the parents seem genuinely nice and friendly, just 'normal',, although I don't think they meet up as a group that often as kids are always in clubs etc. In the other class some of the boy parents do things together but most of the parents avoid any conversation, we all stand separately and look at our phones. Juat different dynamics and its no one's fault.

You tried and putting yourself out there was the hard part, you've done nothing wrong so please try not to worry. It's probably a combination of one has a yoga class they have to run to, one has work commitments, one already had plans with friends, one volunteers, one has depression and doesn't want to socialise, one has anxiety in crowds, one mum hates one of the others, one is having an affair and had a hotel room booked (joke) etc.

If the other class meets more often I'd actually ask your friend if you can tag along. It's good to know people from other classes imo, if your child falls out with anyone in her class it's good to have someone neutral to do a playdate with, i have found you end up meeting the same people at kids hobbies etc and it's good to already know someone, and it's useful when your kid goes to secondary school as they might end up in a class with someone who was in a different class at primary.

This happened to me on the antenatal group chat but later a couple of the mum's messaged me to meet up at other times. There's no need to be embarrassed, it's a good thing that you put yourself out there and you don't know what could come of it

Oh no, please don’t do that. It would look soooo obvious.

You cannot get to know everyone though! Some will work, have other things on and many won’t know you. I’d just keep going with arranging play and join the pta. I never expected to have coffee with anyone! 29 mums is too many really for coffee but at least you tried.

They might say something toyou when they next see! You were so brave and I think you should be so proud of yourself xx

I would pop another message up the night before your next day off and say something like

hi everyone, just to say I am going to be nipping into central perk (insert name of cafe) on (Madison Avenue) tomorrow after drop off . If you fancy a latte I’ll be there until about 9.30.

In a group I’m in messages such as this or notices often get buried with holiday snaps, pictures of cats etc.

Many just read the bottom messages and don’t scroll back.

Sometimes I’ll read a message meaning to reply later but forget and then the message is buried with cats etc and I don’t see my prompt.

Out of interest, two form entry, but classes of 12 and 13 is highly unusual for a state school, is it private? Usually this means a larger 'catchment' (although they don't exist anymore in many places), and so parents may be shooting off after drop off, or have longer trips home than the infant branch.

I also think many WhatsApp groups are developing a culture of 'nil responses not required', which IMO is usually good, as it means you won't end up with 13 'no sorry' replies to 'Has anyones child brought home Will's jumper by mistake', which clutters the chat.
The others are probably busy with work (in spite of you thinking most don't work, you may find lots work remotely or part time), looking after other kids, pre existing plans and generally dealing with the chaos of back to school time. If it's only the second day back, people often need a chance to settle into new routines and such before adding extras in. Maybe give it a couple of week and try again, or join in with the other class, or join the PTA and make some parent friends from other classes.