AIBU to feel embarrassed after no replies in the class WhatsApp group?

[Exhausted553]

I messaged on class WhatsApp group if anyone wants to go for a coffee after drop off one day this week and no one has responded! I sent this afternoon and can see everyone has read but no one has replied.

Feel really embarrassed. I’m a total introvert anyway and it took lots of guts to reach out. Shall I delete the message, if I’m able to, or shall I just leave it there? It’s embarrassing no one responded to me. How am I supposed to get close with these women if no one responds? It’s a very small village primary with only 12/13 kids in class.

How do others get close with the parents in their kids classes? I know a couple from before as our kids were in nursery so I’ve had a few play dates individually but I was trying to get to know the group as a whole and not leave anyone out.

People were busy when you sent it and now it's a bit of a stand off as nobody wants to be the first to reply as they're a bit embarrassed nobody has.
This sort of thing has happened to me and it's easy to get paranoid but take comfort in the fact they don't know you so it's not like they're doing it because they dislike you.

I also think some parents are worried they'll be the only one to respond and will be stuck in an awkward 1:1 coffee meet up.

My advice is play it cool now, keep the conversation to in-person small talk. Chat when you see them at the gates, don't bring it up. I'm sure someone else will bring it up now that you've put the idea out there. It can sometimes feel like an audition or performance in a group chat where everyone is seeing social interactions play out which adds to the feeling of embarrassment.
Well done for putting yourself out there. Group chats are such a weird environment and so different to in person. Nobody would dream of ignoring the suggestion in person.

Keep the group chat to school relevant stuff and build up the relationships in person.

Good luck OP. You're going to be with this group for 7 years, plenty of time to know if there'll be any friendships.

Forget it, move on.

Yes PP you’re right it is a private school! I didn’t want to say. The catchment is larger than you expect but most do live nearby as I see them walking to school. I don’t want to compare but my eldest went to a state primary and now in state secondary and it was much more sociable. He didn’t pass the entrance test for the private so had to go to the state one. I don’t want to make it state vs private but I do think they are so rude in my daughter’s class for not responding. It doesn’t take much to say yes I can make it or no I can’t. My eldest is really confident and sociable as we did lots of meet ups when he was younger but for my daughter I’ve always felt she’s introverted as had little experience socialising outside of school. At this age parents arrange the kids social lives as they so little. I also don’t feel comfortable arranging play dates or letting DD go to peoples homes if I don’t know the parents.

Don't delete it as it's early days with first week back . I expect some other mums have to go directly to work, or have other drop offs at other schools for different age children, so can't meet up? Maybe keep an eye out at school gate for those dressed for work and or rushing off without chatting vto work out whose more likely to be able to meet up.

If you didn't suggest an actual venue add the name of your suggested cafe .just in case it was construed as expecting another mum to volunteer to host a coffee morning. Maybe also suggest meeting up for an hour, rather than some people thinking it's all morning meet up

It's not you. . People have busy lives, but it was a bit rude not to decline if they can't make it.

I think you should have suggested a day and time rather than a vague ‘one day after drop off’ - that is passing the mental load on so everyone has to think about what meetings or commitments they have each day rather than thinking ‘Am I free on Friday at 9am’.

If I saw that message I’d give it a ❤️ or 👍 and wait for the organiser to clarify what day.

How rude. I will say that my WhatsApp is blowing up nowadays so I think lots of people read and ignore as there's too much going on.

About 20 of us met for coffee yesterday morning.

Don’t delete it. Someone may reply privately or face to face. I’ve had group messages seemingly go unanswered, but they’ve been addressed one to one rather than in the group.

Well my youngest in last year of school and I see my “school mum”friends pretty much every few days! Brunches / drinks / nights out. Kids no longer friends but we all are. So it’s definitely worth making the effort.

Sometimes it's more awkward to reply with no and then explain the reason, particularly in front of a group. And they can get away with not replying because there's other people on the group and not direct to one person. It's unlikely to be anything personal. Most likely people haven't got time, the message has been missed or they aren't interested in going/ would find it awkward, but I doubt it's because they dislike you for any particular reason.

Why not tag along with the other class? We have a friend in our group from another class because her lot are not socialable

That's the kind of invitation that people will respond 'yes' to if they can go but won't say 'no thanks' if they can't or don't want to. Also don't overthink it. You don't need to 'get close to these women'. It sounds like you are all perfectly civil and your DD has had playdates, honestly, that's enough. What about friends who are not mums in the school? I'm friends with a few mums from when DS was in primary, but those friendships developed organically overtime because we had things in common.

Definitely don’t delete it, you’ve done nothing wrong! Honestly they’re a bit rude for not responding, I imagine your message got lost for a lot of people in the rush of the morning but still doesnt take much to say “nice idea but can’t make it sorry”.

You’re making this way too high-stakes, OP. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Don’t delete it. Make a coffee plan with one of the parents you already know, and post ‘Stephanie and I are having coffee after drop-off on Friday at X — anyone else is very welcome to join us.’

You sent it in the afternoon. Give people a chance to look at their work calendars this morning.

I would have gone for a coffee with you!! Fuck em all for not even giving you a thumbs up or a sorry it doesn’t suit this time.

Leave it and try again a bit later. There are far too many things to do at this time of the year! Exchange greetinhs at the gates, that will build some rapport. And go from there. By October, they will be replying and meeting up.

If I saw that response though I'd be thinking- what does that mean is it a yes? Then I'd not know whether to respond...!
That's why I think in person is much better. You have the body language, tone of voice, etc.

....and check with Stephanie first....

Yes! Don't kidnap Stephanie!

Why didn't you put in your original post that your kid is y3 and it is a private school where mums don't work and just lunch all day? Your replies would be very different!! By y3 state or private I imagine you know who you do and don't want to spend time with, so it's probably they aren't that fussed about coffee with you as harsh as that sounds. Surely you have existing friends to hang out with if you don't work, or just go with people from the other class? Why do you desperately need to be friends with these people?

Agree with this. Your message was completely normal, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and if people haven't replied it's because they are busy and just not seeing it as a big thing/they'll reply later/they're waiting for the follow-up message saying what the plan is.

Easier all round to make a definite plan and then throw it open to the wider group (making sure the person you made the plan with is happy with this first)- then people have something they can actually say yes or no to.

Honestly not embarrassing at all. On our class WhatsApp people post all sorts of suggestions. Sone get picked up and some don't. Just depends what suits. I think where you went wrong was being vague about the day as it feels like you wanted someone else to take charge of the organising. I think if you send a follow up saying, well I'll be heading to X cafe after dropping my kid on Monday, anyone welcome to join, you'd have a few takers on the day.

"Mental load"? Really?? 🙄🙄

I wonder if working fathers and mothers haven’t replied because they don’t want to establish a schism at the start of the new term, between those that can attend social events during the working week and those that can’t. DC was at a London independent school and the vast majority of parents worked so socialised after pick up from play dates or an occasional dinner. I would now expect to see increasing number of dads on the school run, so would need to invite them too.