AIBU to feel embarrassed after no replies in the class WhatsApp group?

[Exhausted553]

I messaged on class WhatsApp group if anyone wants to go for a coffee after drop off one day this week and no one has responded! I sent this afternoon and can see everyone has read but no one has replied.

Feel really embarrassed. I’m a total introvert anyway and it took lots of guts to reach out. Shall I delete the message, if I’m able to, or shall I just leave it there? It’s embarrassing no one responded to me. How am I supposed to get close with these women if no one responds? It’s a very small village primary with only 12/13 kids in class.

How do others get close with the parents in their kids classes? I know a couple from before as our kids were in nursery so I’ve had a few play dates individually but I was trying to get to know the group as a whole and not leave anyone out.

It really isn’t for most people. How is messaging someone ‘shenanigans’. Honestly, if you’re thinking about dramas due to one message about meeting for a coffee there is a huge chance that you’re the drama.

I have just finished school runs after 9 years (my second child is year 5 and can finally walk alone) and in that time I have been friends with other parents (and remain so) even when kids falls out as they do.

Sorry you've not had any replies, that nut feels rubbish. I'd be like you checking my phone every 2mins for a reply.
If I got your message, even if I couldn't make it (I probably couldn't I work full time) I would still reply saying hope we could catch up another time.

Thank you everyone, I know quite a few of the mums in passing most don’t work. There’s a few I don’t know yet so maybe they work.

I also work but the two days I suggested are my non-working days. The mums from the other class (there’s 2 classes in each year group) have already had a coffee morning so that’s what I was thinking of arranging as I felt it would be nice. It’s quite an affluent area and I know the vibe is going to lots of coffee morning and brunch type things. The other class had a summer picnic meet up too. I was debating whether to arrange one but felt scared to!

Don't delete. Follow it up with "thanks to all those who reached out for a coffee. Thinking of going to cafe x on Saturday. Send me a DM if you want to meet up so we can arrange a time"

Everyone probably thinks you’re super sociable and they are too shy to be the first one to reply so they’re waiting for someone else to first!
Don’t delete it, that would be worse.
Also don’t stress… no-one could think anything negative about you over this - it just shows you’re a nice, friendly person.

I wouldn’t want to commit to a coffee with someone I didn’t know just in case you ended up not really being my cup of tea and then I’d be unable to shake you off.

Different story if we started saying hello on school run, then small talk, then natural progression to being more friendly.

I wouldn’t be able to anyway due to work, I’d imagine most of them will be in a similar position

edited to add please don’t feel embarrassed! It has happened to me before, and seems to happen semi regularly in our class WhatsApp group.

"How do others get close with the parents in their kids classes? I know a couple from before as our kids were in nursery so I’ve had a few play dates individually but I was trying to get to know the group as a whole and not leave anyone out"

You don't get close with them necessarily. You talk like it's a given that it should happen but I'm not interested in making friends at school because I already have friends and anyone with the mindset that we all have to get close would rub me up the wrong way. The idea that we all have be a big group not leaving anyone out would send me running too, there's no way everyone in a class is going to like eachother. Big groups like that when people don't really know and trust eachother are a recipe for drama. Just make friends the old fashioned way over time, it doesn't have to be some big close knit group, lots of people hate that.

I agree
the first week back everyone is getting back into a routine I’m sure someone will msg back.

The way I do this is to agree to go out with one person in the group check with them they want a big meet up then post saying “ x and I are going to be here at this time if anyone wants to join”. Then you have been inclusive but if no one else comes it doesn’t matter you meet that one person.

I didn’t go on any coffee dates with school mum’s until there’d been a few parties, a few months of chatting on the school run. Bumping in to each other at swimming lessons. Then it sort of happens naturally ‘fancy a coffee tomorrow’ etc. Don’t worry, it’ll happen - as others have said those first few weeks are hectic!

def don’t delete it. I think you’re so good to ask everyone.
hopefully people will reply -maybe in person at the school gate.

It’s my first day back to routine. I work full time, I have 5 billion WhatsApp messages come through every day (not super popular, just the groups tend to stack up!). Don’t delete it, they aren’t being rude, they are just busy.

Ah dont delete. Such a shame nobody replied

at my school, loads would have said yes. Ok so people work but most have leave booked for that first week of reception

Can’t believe the snotty people on here who think this is ok. Even if I couldn’t go I’d still reply to you. So rude.

You have nothing at all to feel embarrassed out. It’s completely normal to want to make some connections with other parents, and asking on a class WhatsApp group if anyone wants to go for a coffee is a completely normal way to do this. Even if no one ends up responding (I think someone will), then that’s still in no way any reflection on you. It’s common for people to suggest things like this in my (multi!) class WhatsApp groups- you honestly don’t need to feel any embarsssment. More odd on them if not a soul responds!

Same! Even if I couldn’t or didn’t want to or worked all day, I’d reply something like “That’s a lovely idea! Sounds great! First few weeks are a little busy for me with school starting at the moment but let’s have a chat some point this month and we’ll sort something out!” It’s vague and non-committal for an instant meet up but still pleasant and acknowledges/is grateful for the invite/would be open to meeting in the future.

Why not let friendships develop naturally as time goes on, chat at the school gate, find a couple of people you actually like, then start asking them for coffee?

You may or may not develop school mum good friendships. Just because your children are at the same school doesn't mean you're naturally going to be friends. Children can still ask other children to play/ have tea after school without their parent having to come with them.

I think you're great and brave sending the text when you say that it was hard for you to do - putting yourself out there etc.

OK you didn't get the outcome you wanted atm but don't let that overshadow what you did. Monday's are crappy days for a lot of ppl The might just think oh I will get back to that or be waiting till the see you at school. You just don't know.

But be proud that you put yourself out of your comfort zone. Well done.

Well done OP! Please don't feel silly - you've done a very kind and cool thing in being bold enough to reach out. I think sometimes people panic about agreeing to something that could end up being one-on-one (like a safety in numbers thing) so I really hope you get at least one good reply that will encourage others to go for it!
It's bonkers that just going for a coffee with other adults can feel so loaded with conditions and considerations, but I've heard so many stories about mums making friends for life through the school ecosystem! Good luck ❤️

OP can only speak for myself but as someone with a full time job who's had kids at home for the last 7 weeks... there is no way I'd be able to go for a coffee at 9 on a weekday. Maybe give it a bit or suggest a more work friendly time?
Edited to add - I'd probably think 'I'll reply to that once kids are in bed' but would be very easy to forget as the answer would be a no.

Agree with those who have said it is a bit rude not to reply at all. I wouldn't delete but would be tempted to follow it up with something along the lines of 'well maybe later in term then when we're a bit more settled'.

Edited - just saw you only sent it this pm. I'd give it a bit more time. All you need is one person to reply and you might get a flurry

In fairness. I always worked so I would have read the message and thought what the heck some of us work... Coffee after drop off was never my gig. Ever.

Agree with people. Brave.

But please be cautious. If many don't work there is a clique. So let it develop naturally if at all.

Good luck!

This!!

Oh i feel you! I am in the same situation!

i would joke about it “oh wow, cant keep up with all replies 😂 anyway, offer still stands! Have a good evening”.

This! Unless they are shift workers, they will have places to be after drop off .