Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Leave the properties to your son and the jewellery to DIL.

Whilst I accept you are very close to your DIL, I personally would leave the jewellery (and everything else) solely to your son.

My mother in law left her jewellery direct. Not via her son

Definitely leave the jewellery to DIL. For the properties I’d probably leave to my Son but if you feel strongly about leaving the properties to both of them then do that. Might be worth discussing it with your son though.

I agree with @Merrymoonage

I agree with pp. properties to DS, jewellery to DIL.

Could you leave it all to both of them? Knowing that the jewellery will likely be passed on to your Granddaughter anyway.

I wish my MIL felt so positively about me. You sound lovely.

The jewellery to the DIL will be understandable and mean she understands how much she means to you. Leave the property to your son alone so he feels like you loved him as your son. Money shouldn't matter but wills have a way of communicating to people and I worry leaving property joint will make him feel less.

I agree with the above, leave properties to your son. If the jewellery is expensive then that's a significant bequeath for your DIL. If she solely received inheritance from her family she will presumably be understanding of you doing the same with your properties. If you do it your way then your DIL is effectively receiving more than your own son.

It is a lovely idea. I would just mention to him, maybe? He won’t care/mind and will likely like the idea.

I’d also get your DIL & granddaughter round to have a rifle through and see what they might like for wearing now? Seeing them wear some of your things would make me happy, at least! Probably won’t be for the little one yet but I used to love looking at Granny’s treasure.

Not sure what you have but might be nice to ear mark anything for the grandsons to give to someone in future?

I’d probably just leave the properties to him, though.

Given that they are so financially stable, and the tax implications of inheritance, maybe you should leave the bulk of your estate to your grandchildren in trust. I think Jewellry is a very personal. My is mostly willed to my daughter but I have chosen a few pieces for my granddaughter. (My sons daughter)
It’s great that you have such a wonderful relationship with your DIL and leaving her something that means so much to you is lovely!
Wills are complex - I’ve just redone mine and it took some doing. Good luck 😊

To be honest if theyyre married and they split uo the properties and jewellery will be treated as joint assets anyway, so in a sense it doesnt really matter whos it is. I think it sounds lovely to leave the jewellery to your dil (even maybe a piece or two direct to granddaughter?). Theres nothing wrong with making a direct bequest to someone who you care for, whether they're a relative or not! I'd probably leave the properties to your son though in case it causes any hurt feelings - she'll still get the benefit from them.either way.

You sound like a lovely mum and mother in law by the way 😊

Leaving the property joint may even actually damage their relationship. It shouldn't but as I say wills are tricky things and communicate in different ways.

You sound lovely.
If you were my mum and you'd left things to my spouse alone (that clearly I couldn't wear) I'd be delighted as clearly you valued my choice of spouse.

I'd get financial advice on the properties whether joint or son only (they won't mind one jot how you phrase it as it'll be family money/inheritance) as could have inheritance tax implications if all went to son...I wonder if shared ownership saves on tax? I could be giving completely wrong advice so do some research.

Sorry I can't be more helpful

I’d split it three ways, DS, DIL, GD. Your DS can then pass his over to his wife or daughter if he wishes.
And I’d leave something of equal value/significance to your grandson. That’s really important.
Bear in mind none of it may get passed down through the generations. The female line may stop. DH and I have sold all the jewellery we inherited from parents and grandparents and spent the money on holidays.

Jewellery to DIL and Grandaughter? Properties definitely to son.

Is sounds like you all have a lovely relationship.

If your son and DIL's marriage is strong, I would leave the jewellery to her and the property and other assets to him. She should benefit from it if he inherits as they are married.

Do you wear the jewellery regularly? Could you give some as gifts to you DIL/granddaughter now?

The fact that you have been so close to DIL throughout your life, coupled with the fact that she is so involved in your daily wellbeing, makes it totally reasonable to leave the pieces to her.

i think it is always better when wills hold no surprises/shocks so I would explain to your son in advance that you are leaving them to her because (a) you love her and (b) you'd like them to be handed down to your female descendants.

I'd leave property to son

I'd choose a special piece of jewellery to give to daughter in law, chose a special piece to leave to each grandchild and leave everything else to son.

IMO, it’s fine to leave the jewellery to DIL (and you can leave a letter about preferring it to pass down the female side of the family) but I think the property etc should go solely to DS.

They’re married, so I’m sure DIL will indirectly benefit from it (at a minimum). But I would leave that choice in his hands, just as DIL’s Mother did for her.

If you want her to have something to invest, or spend on herself in recognition of what she’s meant to you, then leave her a small cash bequest. I love my wife, but I would feel as if my Mum hadn’t trusted me, were she to do what you’re suggesting. I think, whether justified or not, I’d feel quite hurt.

You meed to stipulate that you want the jewellery to eventually be passed to your granddaughter, or it could be sold.
Would you not consider leaving something substantial directly to your grandchildren? If your relationship is good with your son, he should be happy that you've acknowledged your DIL as being equal family, if their marriage is as you say.

I would leave the jewellery to your DIL, telling her your wish for it to be eventually passed down to your granddaughter.
I would leave the properties solely to your son.

I agree with a previous poster, for inheritance tax planning purposes I’d consider leaving some of the estate to the GC especially as your DS/DIL are already financially well off.

I’d then leave the rest to DS and jewellery to DIL.

say you leave the jewellery to dil and would like tit to later pass to granddaughter (or leave her some now as well!). We’ve had a recent bereavement and jewellery has been dispersed to all female family members.
arent marital assets shared anyway? So unless the homes are in trusts etc that make them exempt they’re shared in case of divorce.
it could read a little like you’re upset with your son for not doing more of the caring role; don’t make this a part of the will in this situation as it’ll feel like punishing him if that’s not your intention

my mother gave a very significant piece of jewellery to my SIL and I was v v happy with that (as a daughter I inherited other things). My mother gave us some of them before she died and that was also lovely. Can you do that with your DIL? Say how much you love and appreciate her?