Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

I would ask both your granddaughter and DIL to pick one item each, that they like and would wear. Pass these items to them now. You have sentimental feelings over the jewellery but your DIL isn't going too. There's no guarantee that your DIL would pass the jewellery onto her daughter. Your DIL may decide to sell the pieces she dislikes/won't wear and the same goes for your granddaughter.

You can stipulate in your Will that you want the jewellery passed to your granddaughter, upon your DIL's death, but how enforceable actually is that?! I have no idea! Once those items pass to your DIL or granddaughter, you have no control over what happens to them.

You need to be fully accepting of the fact that once your DIL inherits the jewellery, the items may be sold and don't stay in the family.

I would discuss the jewellery matter with your son before making any decision. The property should be left to your son only, he's your child. In the event of a divorce, the properties would be classed as a 'marital asset', so your DIL would benefit in marriage and divorce.

Jewellery... maybe split it between your DIL and leave a piece specifically to each grandchild, especially if they really are quite valuable and heirlooms.

For the rest of the estate, there are several approaches...
1: Leave it all to your son, as he is married, it becomes part of the estate of his marriage.
2: Put it in a trust, to avoid inheritance tax, but make this a family discussion and a family decision and give your adult offspring joint ownership of these decisions. Otherwise it can feel like you don't trust him to provide for his children and somehow expect him to crack on and make his own way in life while being generous benefactor to others further removed from you.

3: Specifically naming his wife, placing her as equal or higher to him - he may already feel that you wanted a daughter and love him less for being male, don't make this worse by writing it into your will.. that pain will never go away.

Out of interest, what are these items like, that you’re not keen on?

My grandmother gave her jewellery to us all whilst still alive, but in the knowledge she probably didn’t have much longer to live. She felt that she had the joy of seeing us wear it. Might that be an option? Otherwise, I’d suggest jewellery directly to DIL and GD, and property to son, as per PPs.

I would pass on the jewellery before death unless you are wearing them regularly.

Leave the jewellery directly to your granddaughter if you want it to go to her, otherwise there's no guarantee that she will get any of it, as your dil may choose to leave it to her potential future dils aswell as or instead of your granddaughter.

Personally I would leave the jewelry to your DIL and everything else to your son.

If you want the jewelry to be passed down to your granddaughter then you need to make that explicit

This. There are good reasons to. Don't overthink it.
DIL's parents leaving everything to her was normal BTW. Couples decide how to share windfalls and inheritances.

What a lovely thing to do for your DIL you sound like you are very close which is delightful. I would leave it to DIL with the proviso that it is then passed down to your granddaughter, with your grandsons receiving items with an equivalent value.

Leave property to your son, it might actually cause a problem in their marriage if he feels she was loved more. Jewellery to DIL is a good idea.

In your situation, I would leave my properties and money to my son (that's what most people do and it sounds as if that is what your DIL's parents have done as she has already inherited that). I would then leave my jewellery and possibly a generous cash gift to my DIL with a heartfelt letter saying thank you. I might also be inclined to leave one item direct for granddaughter, perhaps with a letter about its origins (although that might cause the other children to feel left out so tread carefully).

Posters talk all the time on here about how they'd be fine with this and that in parents wills and how grabby it is to expect something but gifts in wills are highly charged and can be seen to symbolise unconscious preferences, unwittingly causing hurt - maybe your son might feel a little hurt to think that his wife might had eclipsed him in your affections even if he would never ever admit to that if you asked him about it? You're right to consider this carefully.

It's lovely to hear you talk about your DIL with such great affection and it sounds as if the feeling is reciprocated by her.

Wowsers! I think I could quite get into jewellery if there were rings like that tobe worn 😁

I think it’s lovely to leave her the jewellery directly. It’s more of a sentimental item than the properties so I don’t even feel like you need to balance it out like that. But if that feels fairer to your son, by all means leave him the properties in his own name. What her parents did should have no bearing on what you want to happen to your precious belongings, and as you say, the idea of them being passed then to your granddaughter is beautiful. While I’d love to think your son would also keep them for his daughter, entrusting them to your DIL while explaining about the female line, is a wonderful way to honour your relationship with her.

Even my MIL who was a dry old stick left me, a DIl,.something. it's normal to will jewellery to a woman. You do it if you like. I think it is a lovely thought.

Please don't overlook your Grandsons regarding the jewelry, as it may be lovely for them to have a piece or two for their future wives and daughters

As long as you are happy for her to still inherit them in the event they get divorced then it’s fine

Lovely idea to leave your jewellery to your DIL. It is a lovely symbol of how much you love and care for her.
The properties, nope. You run the risk of this damaging the relationship between your son and his wife. Don't let confusion, anger and resentment be your parting gift @mairedelpilar
That is what you will be remembered for by your family, not the years of love and respect.

Jewellery to your DIL, with maybe a couple of pieces directly to your granddaughter.
Property and everything else to your DS alone.
As they are married “what’s mine is yours” anyway but I think it’s better to leave to your DS than jointly

To be honest it sounds like you have quite an extensive estate, and you really should be taking the advice of the solicitors drawing up your will. There’s a danger that sentimental intentions could impact upon clarity and effectiveness for what will be a legal process.

It’s lovely that you want show your DIL how much you value her company, but for the sake of marital harmony it would be better to leave your money and property to your son, and then let them figure things out within their own marriage. It could be worth leaving a percentage of your estate in trust to your grandchildren, with money released for e.g. university or a house deposit.

Leaving your jewellery to DIL would be a nice gesture, and would reflect the personal relationship you share.

If you want it to ultimately to go to your granddaughter, leave it to your granddaughter.

My MIL only has sons, we have a son and daughter. She has spoken about how she intends to leave the majority of her jewellery to our daughter. We have been together 20 years since we were 18 and if my mil was to gift them to me first I would hold them until my daughter was old enough for them or until my son had a use for them but once they have been gifted you are at the mercy of them doing as you wish

I have jewellery that cost thousands. A ring that was £6.5k, for example.
I bought them all myself.

Would your dil actually wear the jewellery? If you think she wouldn’t then talk to her about it. Maybe she and the grand daughter can pick out a couple of pieces that they like and you could sell the rest and give them the money to buy pieces they like and will wear ( veto the gd buying pandora though!) or much better have things reset into pieces they will wear and enjoy. You can then have the fun of designing and commissioning new pieces together that they will enjoy and use. Obviously don’t do this if the pieces are marked Cartier………

If you want GD to have your jewellery, I would leave it to her directly. You don't know what will happen in the future - but that way, no matter what happens with your son and dil, your jewellery will be passed down as intended.

Them splitting wouldn't negate the help, warmth and support that the DIL has given OP over the years, and which OP wants to acknowledge.

Wouldn’t it give you more pleasure to let them pick a piece each now? Personally, I’d then sell the rest and perhaps buy them and your grandson good watches.
I have jewellery from long gone relatives and although it’s lovely, I never wear it as it’s from a different era of dressing more formally.