Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Hello @mairedelpilar

We have a lot of family jewellery. It is always left to the daughter or granddaughter.

Mine is going to my daughter with my son having a large diamond ring for any future wife (he's only 27).
I'd leave you DIL your jewellery and the property to your son. He's married so half is technically your DILs anyway. Don't tie yourself in knots. Your DlL has already inherited in a sole capacity.

If you're wealthy I'd leave some money for your grandchildren for house deposits. That would be tax efficient.

As it sounds like you are relatively well off, sensible estate planning might be to leave half your estate to each of them, so that when they eventually each pass their respective estates on to your grandkids there’s less inheritance tax (a solicitor could give more detailed advice) just a thought. But if you go down that route, give them a heads-up and explain why.

I inherited my MIL diamonds. I wear a few of them every day. My DH inherited her other pieces, he has let me remodel some, other pieces were sold and the money given to our children as an investment. My DH didn’t bat an eyelid - he knows I’m not going anywhere!

However the bulk of your estate should name you DS, that is far more the norm. My DH has shared every penny with me. Half is in my name now.

I agree with this.
It is absolutely wonderful that you have a good relationship with your DIL, however I agree with the PP leave the Jewellery to your DIL with a letter which explains your wishes of the Jewellery being passed on to the next generations.

However, leave the properties to your Son.

Like @Merrymoonage, in these specific circumstances i would leave the jewellery to your DIL and the properties to your son. But that’s because she is so well set up and provided for with inheritance from her family of origin, if that weren’t the case I might think differently.

Why not leave the jewellery to your grandaughter

Leave your jewellery to your DIL.
Leave a letter of explanation stating that you want it to continue down woman to woman, and that she is the daughter you never had.

Leave your properties to your son but speak plainly to him and hear his reasoning as to if and why he would prefer it left otherwise.
If he is wealthy it is advisable that you speak to him about the properties. You don't want half taken in taxes, for example.

Would you feel the same if she chose to leave your son for another man in the next 6 months?
What about in a couple of years time.

You mention your DILs parents leaving their estate to her individually but that’s entirely normal as far as I’m aware. My in laws left their entire estate to my DH and BIL and there was never expectation that I or my SIL would be part of that. What would happen in the event of a divorce is controlled by the legalities of divorce and have no part in that conversation so property to your son only

As for the jewellery. The older I get the more I see that belongings are a bit of a burden. I
am actually quite sentimental about vintage items but there’s a lot of jewellery that’s not to my taste. Has the DIL indicated that she likes vintage jewellery and do you think she’d wear it. I would gift it to the DIL but with no expectation that she passes it on. If you want very specific pieces to go to the grand daughter then gift that directly. Do you have anything you can specifically gift a grand son? A family watch or similar?

Can you have a discussion with your son and let him know that you would like to leave this jewelry to your daughter-in-law, to eventually give to your granddaughters

If it was me, all would go to your son.

My parents have it that it’s split equally between me and my brother, if I’m not around, my share goes equally to our children.

The decision though is personal to you, so no matter what others think, it’s what you want.

I would leave everything to my son and the jewellery to my granddaughter plus some money to each grandchild. You never know with relationships in the future what if she didn't pass the jewellery to your DFD?

They're married and you all seem to have a good relationship. Leave it all to your DS and tell him/them that the jewellery is for DiL and GD. They're his wife and daughter so I'm sure he's not going to diddle them out of it or wear it himself and is no more likely to sell it than she/they are. I wouldn't overthink this.

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Same idea here

I don’t think you’re being unfair. But you could always have a quick conversation with your son and tell him your intentions (without the whys) and ask if he’s okay with that.

it’s an open conversation and a good one to have if you’re comfortable

I don't get it. You're not really giving anything to the DIL. You'd just be asking her to take guardianship of the jewellery, if you want it kept in the family rather than being sold.

But I'm not a jewellery person (nor will I ever own valuable jewellery) so maybe I'm missing something. But I'd find a 'gift' like that a burden, rather than an asset.

But yes, the properties should go to your son. You could leave an amount of money to DIL as a gift in your will, though.

Also if she has a daughter with another man then would you be ok with that daughter having a share too?

I definitely wouldn’t put her name on the properties.
I think that’s a really silly idea, especially as her parents didn’t do the same.

If you’re ok with her getting remarried etc then give the jewellery to her.

@mairedelpilar
You say:I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter.

So pass it on to the grandchildren if that's what you want.
If you want particular pieces to remain in the family that's difficult as once they own them the can do with what they want.

Leaving the jewellery to your DIL is a lovely thing to do. My grandma left most of her jewellery to my mum - her DIL, and my mum then left it to me and my DSis, and a piece to my DSIL. I don't have a daughter either and my DSs aren't yet old enough to be married but I plan to leave my jewellery to any DILs or DGDs if I have any.

This. Why risk damaging your son's marriage and his memories of you?
It might sound dramatic, but inheritance does funny things to people's emotions and can have dramatic fallout.
No matter how well you think you know people, you can't really predict future behaviours.
Your properties and jewellery could end up in a second marriage for DIL, for example, after divorce. How would your son feel then?
Regarding the jewellery - remember fashions change. Are you happy that even if left to a woman, it may get sold or just sit in a box?

The jewelry should go to your granddaughter. Maybe leave a token piece of to you dil.

Properties to your son, jewellery to DIL- with the express wish that it be passed on to GD. May leave a piece or two directly to GD if you have something equal to leave for GS.

Start gifting now. Talk to your DS and DiL, separately or together and get their thoughts. Think of skipping a generation or at least including DGC substantially.

I don't understand why any of this is an issue.

Why would your son resent you bequeathing your jewellery to his much-loved wife? It makes no sense to me.

I's say leave the jewellery to your DIL, and maybe something to your graddraughter too. My Grandmother left my mum, my aunt and me something each, rather than leaving it to my mum to give or leave to me. (even though I really don't like the thing I got left and swapped it with my mum. Sorry Gran!)