Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Agree with this approach. Seems fairest and balanced.

I would leave the properties to them jointly and the jewellery to her with a condition that she leave them to her daughter. As you say she is the one who cares for you and you’ve been close to her most of her life.

Is there something physical you could leave your son to leave for his sons like vintage cars or paintings or something?

You cannot control what beneficiaries do with items you leave them after your death. Why not leave the jewellery directly to your grandchild? If she is very young, for her when she comes of an age you might think is suitable - 18/21/25 etc. You clearly love your DIL, so why not select one or two special pieces for her, to do as she wishes with, hopefully to wear and enjoy, or to remodel to suit her taste.

Please take photographs of each piece of jewellery and get them printed out. Leave details of who they belonged to and any other family tree info. I have a ring which I am unsure if it belonged to my grandma or great grandma and now have nobody to ask. I was told years ago but over time I forgot.
Maybe you and your granddaughter could do a project one day- she could take pictures and write the info down. If you have any stories about the people who owned them get those written down too.
she’ll probably love looking at all this shiny stuff.

Leave to your grand daughter.

My geandmother has split all jewlery between us grandaughers and explained the significance of each piece. It’s really lovely and I’m glad to hear the story, some of these are 100+ year old pieces.

I’d split most of the jewelry now between DIL and DGD to enjoy sharing the jewel’s history. Maybe even let DGD pick, as some pieces might be nice to wear and others she might see as unfashionable

And I’d leave all other less significant pieces and the properties to my DS once I pass away.

Leave the properties and capital to your son, your DIL technically is entitled to half by marriage and your son won’t feel snubbed. Leave some of the jewellery to your DIL and anything specific to your granddaughter but be mindful that your grandsons may have wives or daughters in the future that they might want to gift jewellery to. They could also feel snubbed!

This is the way

Leave the jewellery to your DIL with the backstory of your hope that she will one day give it to her daughter and her daughter and so on. I'm not sure it really matters in whos name or names for the properties ect as they are married so it would be split if they divorced or inheritanted if the unfortunate happen surely 🤔

I don’t think you’re being unfair. I think what you’re doing sounds quite reasonable.

Yes this, the condition of passing it on and is there anything that you can leave to him?

With enough other resources already I would leave the jewellery to your DIL, you obviously have a genuine close relationship with her and passing it on through her is a lovely idea. Property to your son. My only other suggestion would be one appropriate piece of jewellery direct to your granddaughter.

Perfectly fine to leave jewelry to you DIL. But if you do not then leave properties solely to your son, it will cause resentment. You know this, and yet you're still contemplating it...hmmmm

If you are leaving everything jointly to them both apart from the jewellery, which you want to leave to your DIL, does that mean you will be leaving your DIL more in total than your son (who was not left anything by her family). It could feel like you like the 'daughter you never had' more than your real son if you are not careful - I'm not saying that you see your son as second best but it could come across that way.

Properties to your son and jewellery to your DIL. I don’t see why your son find it unfair about the jewellery. Quite the opposite it s very sweet. But I am sure he will find it unfair about the property. They are anyways married so they ll enjoy everything together.

Why don’t you leave your jewelry straight to your GD? Or the 3 GC?
I wouldn’t leave to DIL - what if they split, she sells it and that’s it? If you want it to eventually go to your GD, will it to her directly

Would your son want the jewellery anyway. Not judging at all, but most men I know don't wear any, and would give it to their wives/daughters/grandaughters anyway.
The women in my family tended to do this, as rings etc wouldn't even fit the men.
Why not just talk to them? And say, obviously son, you'll not be wanting to wear my jewellery, so, DIL and son, how do you feel about me leaving it to you, DIL, and some to grandaughter?
Again, it's surely unlikely that a DIL in this situation wouldn't pass it to her own daughter/grandaughter?
The only exception might be if they end up hard-up and sell it. Unlikely from what you've said, but even if that happened, you'd surely want them to do that if they were struggling.

My lovely MIL had 3 beautiful rings. She wanted me to have one (discussed with me as to which one) her dd (my SIL) to have another - the biggest £££ rock, and her granddaughter (SIL's daughter) to have the third.

But it was not written in her will.

When MIL went into a care home SIL took all jewellery to her house for safe keeping. After she died and the estate was being wound up, dh asked his dsis about the rings. My SIL viewed them all as 'family items' decreed that dh would have no use for diamond rings and decided to keep them 'in the bloodline'. When dh queried that, SIL said that if he wanted financial compensation he could have it.

It wasn't about the money (the value was not huge) but for me a memento of a lovely MIL, and following what she had intended to happen with her rings.

@mairedelpilar please do not be like my MIL. If you have specific wishes for your items, then specify that in your will.

Yes, there are a few people who like watches.

But the vast majority of people don't or aren't bothered. My mum and dad had loads of watches but I just gave them all away when they died.

Saying "sell the jewellery and buy them watches" is very odd.

Yes, it's the wrong thing. Leave them to your son.