Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Also, you will be dead and gone and have no idea what they do with them.

My MIL has given me jewellery which is intended for my DD (I’m just holding it for her). I would leave property to son and jewellery to DIL. If you want to give her something extra I think it’s a nice gesture if you own a substantial amount of assets anyway (like one of the properties she liked best) and make it clear it’s because you love her and appreciate her. I would leave her a letter explaining everything and communicating how you feel about her, I think that would mean a lot to me.

I think it’s really sweet of you, many a DIL has helped care for their in-laws and it goes unappreciated and unrecognised.

Same.they could split next month who knows.

Yes you are. Leave everything to your son.

Because she could become an ex-wife down the line.

If I was your son I would be perfectly happy with this. I really think it would be unreasonable for him to be bothered

Who cares they are just “things”. Does it really matter

Yep, if they are worth a lot of money.

I agree with leaving your DIL and DGD some special pieces of jewellery but leaving everything else to you DS, stipulating maybe that other jewellery passes on to your DGD when she’s older.

It’s great that you have such a lovely relationship but as you can see, your DIL’s family did the right thing and left the property to her, not to both of them because they have a strong marriage, etc

All properties etc to your son. Jewellery to your son as well but pick out two specific pieces to leave to your DIL and your granddaughter.

It’s absolutely your decision and you should do what you feel is right but personally I would leave the property to your son, one or two special pieces of jewellery to Dil and the rest directly to your granddaughter to be looked after by Dil until she is 18.

I would leave the jewellery to your daughter-in-law, but all your other assets to your son. I wouldn’t name the property as it might have been sold for some reason before you die.
Take advice from the solicitor you use to draft your will.
One other point though, what about your grandsons? You want your granddaughter to eventually inherit your jewellery, but think how the Princess of Wales wears William’s mother’s engagement ring. Shouldn’t your grandsons have the opportunity to inherit and pass some of your jewellery on?

I have a similar relationship with my PiL. My MIL has been giving me jewellery for years. They have a lot of family heirlooms and I think she enjoys seeing people use and wear it. Perhaps you could do that and even give some pieces directly to your granddaughter if she is old enough to look after them. I would imagine that any estate will go directly to my husband. And thats how it should be - i would never even think to question that. When I inherited from my parents it came to me but we have joint finances so it was very much ours. It sounds like your son and DIL would be the same. Perhaps you should just make a specific provision for what happens if you outlive him I.e. it goes direct to DIL or grandchildren.

As most have said already, jewellery to DIL property to son.

It doesn't really matter who you leave it to, or who your dil parents left stuff to. Given they divorce its communal property anyway.

If jewellery is excluded from that, is it a bad thing, you could tell your dil that she's getting it as a custodian, like you were, for the family items to be passed to your granddaughter.

I doubt your son will be bothered, knowing its going to his daughter.

Inheritance isn’t treated as marital joint assets even in divorce

What kind of jewellery do people have that needs to be accounted for in a will? That might seem like a daft question but as a non-jewellery wearer, I find this intriguing. Are we talking £100s /£1000s? Diamonds?

Your post is beautiful. Speak to them tell you the lovely things you feel about them. I think they wll.understand your reasons. Tell her the history of the jewellery.

You could also leave some property in trust for uour grandchildren. Maybe get financial advice estate planning.

My mother has about £25,000 worth of rings, which to me seems mental, but there you go.

Thats a good point, you could buy a nice men's watch to give to your son for him to pass on if you can afford it. Avoid rolex as its over priced but grand sieko are probably the best made watches out there an are "only" about £5k.

Or a statement classic watch like timex, iwc, or Hamilton are cheaper

You can stipulate what you like but unless you can put a legal restricition on it then it could still be sold or remodelled. I am not in general in favour of discussing wills with recipients but in this case I would sit down with the son and DIL and ask their opinion. As they have one daughter and two sons, they may prefer a different solution but of course its the OP's decision. IMO its a lovely thought though.

Definitely leave it to your DIL.

Exactly this.

Absolutely do not leave the properties as a joint bequeath, they should be to your son.

Jewellery - daughter-in-law and grandchildren.

Property - son and grandchildren.

I don't think a "bought to pass on" thing has the same resonance as family jewellery and yes the sons when adult might like to own family jewellery for their partners to wear.