Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Jewellery to your DIL and the remainder of the estate to your son. How would you feel if their marriage ended or your son passed away. DIL would have all your estate and this could then be in the hands of another man

Agree with this.
I would leave the jewellery to your dil. Then talk to your son along with your solicitor about how best to pass on the property to him, your son may prefer it in joint names, or not. Then go with whatever is the most sensible way that your son is happy with.
If the jewellery is valuable and the value increasing, then it might be better to give some or all of it to your dil now, to avoid her being charged death duties on it.

You can stipulate in your Will that you want the jewellery passed to your granddaughter, upon your DIL's death, but how enforceable actually is that?!

Not at all! My mum's will stipulated that my brother and I retained her cottage on the coast (six hours away) as our holiday home. There's no way in a million years we'd have regularly travelled that far to a location that we have no interest in. Particularly when my brother lives on the breadline, and would have benefited much more from the money it would have sold for

Fortunately it wasn't an issue as her home had to be sold to pay her care fees.

If they are married does it matter??

Go with your initial instinct. It’s all yours and you should do what you want to do .This woman is doing much more caring for you than your son- and your grandchildren will get it all in the end.

If you want your grand daughter to have the jewellery why then leave it to someone else

As someone who has had conversations with people in my life who say that they are leaving this or that to someone else then it will be passed to me and it never happens I implore you. If you want your gd to have the jewellery then say so in your will. Dont rely on other people to do what you want, when you yourself won’t do it.

Maybe have a really honest conversation with DIL, and grandkids if old enough, about the jewellery.

I had some jewellery from my grandmother (so dates back to 1920’s), which I have never worn but have had tucked away for 40 odd years, and I had my own jewellery, some of which I don’t wear as no longer to my taste, but worth a bit.

My DD was adamant she didn’t want my grans jewellery as would never wear it, and also didn’t want to store it. DS’s all said they didn’t want to keep it in the event they ever had children. As for my own that I no longer wanted, DD wanted 2 pieces and not the rest. Again, DS’s said they didn’t want to hang onto it. So, that ‘enabled’ me to sell my grans and my jewellery. I split the money between the kids and they put it in their savings accounts. For the rest of mine, DD only wants a few pieces and they have all made clear the rest will be sold, which I fine with (and if I get to a certain age and find I’m not wearing any, I’ll probably make it easy for them and sell it earlier). Would rather that than it all sat in a box untouched for 40 years in the unlikely event any grandkids may want it. Also, given this, I was able to let my jewellery insurance lapse, as what was I really paying for if no one wanted most of it moving forward, so that’s a saving for me!

I think the key is being able to have those conversations and not be upset if people indicate they don’t want stuff and be able to let it go yourself.

Leave the jewellery to your granddaughter. My nan left me her jewellery (worth almost nothing) and I felt very honoured that she had done that.

Please don’t leave it directly to the children. They won’t understand the importance of these pieces until they’re much older. I inherited an Edwardian engagement from my mum that had also belonged to her mum. I thought it was hideous and gaudy, but I kept it safe, thinking that it would remain in a jewellery box until I died!

When I turned 40 I got it out to look at it and it’s beautiful!! What had once seemed OTT I now appreciated for the style of the time. I had it resized to wear and discovered that not only was it a precious family heirloom but was also worth £4.5k. Younger me would definitely have sold it if I’d inherited it when my grandma died, it was only because it was my mum’s ring that I kept it.

But you think people wear/want watches?

My Mum has a lot of expensive jewellery and it’s being left to me and my SIL. She’s asked me which pieces I want and SIL will get the rest. My mother is very keen that it isn’t sold, and as I don’t have any kids it will all eventually end up on my brother’s side anyway! I think there is something personal and jewellery, it’s not just about the monetary value, so you should leave it to your DIL if you think she’ll appreciate it

I’d leave the property to your son and the jewellery can be split up. Leave her a piece and the rest to granddaughter.

You don’t know that

My gm left her house to my mother. Thinking that I would eventually get it in due course.
My mother had no intention of leaving me anything

The same with exh
His father left everything to his mother. His mother changed her will to leave everything to his older brother

Never assume things when writing a will

Property to son jewellery to DIL

You are absolutely right to do so but I would suggest having this conversation and explaining it whilst you are alive so it isn't a surprise when you die. If I was your son I would understand and I think your DIL would be touched that you think of her like a daughter. So tell them about your idea and check your son is OK with it. I'm sure he will be.

The obvious answer is to talk to them but is there a reason you wouldn’t leave it directly to your grandchildren? The issue would be if your son dies first and she remarried and it all gets a bit complicated with stepsiblings and whatnot. My grandmother died first and then my grandfather’s second wife inherited everything - including family pieces without any actual monetary value - and my father has absolutely nothing from her. So it always makes me a bit twitchy about sentimental items.

i think it’s absolutely lovely that you are so close and think you could pick a few things for her and your grandchildren directly with no expectations attached and split them up between them yourself to avoid any drama in the future.

Leave your grandchildren a special jewellery item each.

Leave your dil some very special pieces.

Leave your son and dil the rest between them.

property to son, jewellery to DiL.
if they split they are classed as joint assets anyway.

I'm not sure "estate of his marriage" is a thing.

Your estate is personal. There isn't a joint estate.

If left to DS he can keep it entirely separate to marital assets and it may never become a joint asset. It's part of his estate, and he can will it. He can will it to his wife if he wishes. But if never intermingled then, for example, it could be disregarded in a divorce. And he can will it elsewhere as long as his wife is provided for.

If left to both, then would presumably be held jointly, in which case both own it and neither can will it away, and when one dies the other immediately owns it (they can then will it elsewhere). On divorce, it's owned jointly, a marital asset, and a split would need to be agreed.

No they're not.

I would leave one or two special pieces to DIL, and the rest of the jewellery to GD in trust.

You sound like a wonderful MIL, and you and your DIL are lucky to have such a loving relationship. Many MILs on here could learn from you!

My mum is 90, has early Alzheimer’s and lives in a care home. Everything in her will is left jointly to me and my brother, with a small amount to my kids. She keeps saying she wishes she could change it to include my DH as he’s been so good to her. (She can’t change it now, due to the Alzheimer’s, I have POA and don’t want to be seen as taking from my brother.)

Don’t be my mum! Include your DIL and leave her your jewellery directly. However, this would result in her getting more than your son, so maybe you should compensate him in a different way. Could you leave him a specific property for example?

So it’s all about money then yeh . They are well off enough. It doesn’t matter. It’s this type of attitude about things that causes awful rifts about wills. Greed is what it boils down to

I love watches. DH and I have an extensive collection of Audemars Piguet watches.

How lovely. I'm an executor of my MIL's will, I have a similarly lovely relationship with her and I believe that her jewellery is being split between her daughter and myself. Similar situation really - I've been married to her son since I was in my early 20's and we have a very close relationship. She has a few valuable possessions which I know she has explicitly identified in her will - I don't think the jewellery is any different, and anything I inherit from her will pass down to my own daughter so it won't actually leave the family.

Family is not DNA - it's relationships. If your instinct is telling you this us the right thing to do, then do it.