Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Fairly usual to leave jewellery to DIL if no females. What are your reasons for leaving rest to both as opposed to just your son? Its fairly usual to leave estate to your children. I understand your sentiments so apart from the jewellery is there anything else you could leave her to reflect this? Bottom line is it is your money and you can leave it to whom you choose. Perhaps get some legal advice as possibly some tax implications for them?

My mum’s MIL left some jewellery to my mum (her DD did get first refusal). On top of that mum got some (very valuable) jewellery from dad’s (childless) aunt. Again, my dad’s sister was offered it, but refused it. Mum had two daughters, so it was seen as a way of keeping the jewellery in the female line.

I have now been lumbered with some white elephant jewellery - one piece is worth significantly more than the others, and I have three girls, so there is no way of splitting the jewellery fairly. I will sell once the older generation have gone, and share the money between my children, and my cousin’s children.

This is a long winded way of saying, you can leave jewellery to your DIL. But it may well not be to her taste.

I would definitely leave the properties to your son, and your son alone.

Leave the jewellery to your GD (to be held by your DS on trust for her until she's an adult) and everything else to your DS. Leaving things to DS and DIL jointly could make things complicated later on.

The first thing I’d point out is that you may have an emotional attachment to your jewellery, but no one else does. So leaving it to your DIL might mean that she just sells it rather than wear it. The second thing is that second hand jewellery is never worth as much as it cost - I have a diamond ring that cost £3K new and have recently been offered £1.5K from a couple of jewellers.
My grandma had several rings that she wanted her granddaughters to have, so in her later years she invited each of us to choose one of them to wear whilst she was alive. Although the one I ended up with (TAs the youngest so last to choose) wouldn’t have been my choice, I wore it because I knew she liked seeing me wear it. I don’t wear it anymore but still have it.
I have daughters, and have given DD1 my wedding rings from my first marriage, and left my current wedding rings to DD2.
My opinion is ask DIL to choose a piece of jewellery now, and also ask DGD to choose one. If they choose a valuable piece and have it now, I believe the value of it will be taken off your estate when it comes to probate as long as you live more than 7 years from gifting it.
Id leave your properties to your DS solely.

That sounds such a lovely thing to do, it shows how much she means to you esp as her own parents have gone. It also sounds like your son is a lovely kind and considerate man.

I would leave the jewelry to dil and possibly dgd? Property I would leave to your son, as they are married it kind of goes to both of them anyway but by leaving it directly to your son you are showing him you want him to benefit and trust him with your inheritance. By leaving the jewelry to your dil you are showing her she is equally part of your family and you trust her with your treasured possessions

I would leave it to your son for him to do what he wants with.

Given what you have described in terms of your relationship with your DIL I think it's a wonderful idea to leave the jewellery to her. I think your son would be delighted with his too personally.

PIL are leaving money/property to DH and BIL, and smaller amounts to the DGC, with the jewellery divided between my DNiece (only female DGC), SIL and me. DN will get the rings, but I know I’m getting several very nice pieces as MIL has told me.

As others have said, leave the property direct to your son. Leaving the jewellery to your dil is a nice gesture.

The jewellery I'd leave to your DIL.

The property is a step too far, your son will feel like he's less important to you than his wife.

My grandmother left her beautiful jewellery directly to me which I inherited in my early 20s. I cherish it all !

I would leave some to your grandchildren and son also but absolutely leave it to your dil, that’s lovely.

Would he care about this anyway?

I was recently left some jewellery by my husband’s grandmother. It didn’t cross my mind that DH would be put out at all (and he wasn’t, because he had no need or desire for a sapphire ring..) I assume his grandmother also didn’t think it would cause any issue. She had no daughters or granddaughters so MIL, BIL’s wife, and I got her jewellery. I don’t think anyone thought twice about it tbh.

Leave the property to your son. While it may be unlikely, should they split for any reason and your will hasn't been updated, leaving the property to both of them could cause some issues.

As nice as your jewellery is, fashions and tastes change. I'd be talking to your DIL and DGC D now, about which pieces they may like. I would leave the two boys some of the jewellery too, maybe something that could be refashioned and given to their future wives.

I have a friend with a fabulous ring. It was melted down and refashioned from some of both her mother and her grandmother's jewellery. The ring is beautiful and has such lovely meaning for her.

Leave the jewellery to your dil or some pieces to your grandchildren too but the properties should go to your son only.
She won’t think you don’t love her she will understand

Why don’t you speak to your son about it? Ask him if there’s any pieces that he is sentimental about and would want to inherit otherwise tell him you’d like to share them between your DIL and GD. Leave your son the properties.

I would leave the property to your son. As they are married, your DIL will still get the benefit of it. Should they split, it would be considered a marital asset whoever you left it to.

Talk to them about the jewellery. Not quite the same thing but I asked my husband if he'd mind my leaving mine to my sister (we don't have children). He said (should I predecease him, obviously) he would like my wedding and engagement ring, but wasn't bothered about other things. You might find you son/DIL would like specific pieces which you can list in your will, then anything they don't will be included in the residuary estate, i.e. whoever will receive anything not specified.

My grandmother had a second marriage and her husband gave his mothers jewellery to her . He died first , then my grandmother . My mother inherited her jewellery and then it was passed to me .
I wanted my daughter ( adult ) to have it before I pass so I have given it to her .
I know it's family jewellery , but reality is it's kind of not because it belonged originally not to a woman known to us . Part of me feels none of us should have had it.
I expect it happens a lot .

It’s your to do with as you wish and I think it would be a lovely gesture.

I might add a stipulation that they should be passed on to granddaughter or wives of grandsons after your DIL passes away.

I’m fairly sure my MIL will leave her jewellery to my daughter (and in fact she has already very kindly gifted her some lovey family pieces) but neither my DH or my DC would blink if she left anything directly to me. In fact, I think my DH would be pleased.

Your granddaughter is 14 so you probably know what jewellery she would like and could pass some directly to her.
There are no guarantees in life, your son and DIL might divorce many years down the line. If that happens at least your son would know that your granddaughter did get some of your jewellery.

The properties should go to your son. No need to give to DIL as well as she will inherit it indirectly anyway as they are married. Like you say, she had her inheritance that way.
But if you know she is a better person than your own son then make some allowances for that but equal shares isn't saying much positive about your son, does he drink, gamble? Could you include your grandchildren in the will as again there are no guarantees in life.

Agree with the others- property to DS, and jewellery to Dil. My parents (mum especially) adore my dh, and are very dependent on him- they gifted us land jointly by name years ago- they gifted 30k directly to him as he took the mortgage out to buy our first house, before we were even married- so they implicitly trust him- but heir estate will go to me. At the point they die, same as you, hopefully a long while from now- however happy they are as a couple - they could have split. So if that were the case you would probably want DS to have the main estate. She is clearly a decent lady from what you say-so will understand your intention that after her day/ her daughter get the jewellery . You could even pop a letter in with the will to explain that wish, and how you love her and want these things to carry down the female line. You sound a lovely family.

Does your DIL like the jewellery and would she wear it? I also have quite a lot of valuable jewellery, and 2 daughters and a DIL. However, I am considering selling most of it and leaving them the money, as they'll never wear or use it. Some pieces are very grand, and only suitable for wearing to a royal ball or the Oscars, which is not the kind of thing that is likely to figure in their lives. It has spent most of my guardianship in a box. One piece I have only worn once in my life, as part of a fancy dress event. The girls are each getting a wearable token item, then the rest of the money goes into my estate, which is divided equally between my 3 children.

Sit down and talk to her about it.

Obviously leave jewellery to your dil and property to your ds. She's had her inheritance. She'll benefit anyway.

This. Seems obvious