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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my partner's comment on teenage niece?

214 replies

Gingercatonshed · 24/08/2026 22:48

If your partner said to you “it was weird how grown up dear niece looks she had her boobs out at the family meal, I still just think of her as being so young” would you find this weird ?

for context partner early 30s and niece is 16. It made me feel uncomfortable not sure if it was genuine “oh she’s turning into a woman” comment from my partner or it its abit Pervy / strange to notice …

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 25/08/2026 16:25

I'd think of it as a clumsy way of saying "wow, I changed her nappy/ rocked her to sleep and now she's a young woman" type of comment. At least that's how I'd have taken it coming from my dh. My dd is beginning to develop breasts (she's nearly 10) and I often feel the same - where's my baby gone?! I know that others in the family are noticing it. Girls/ young women undergo such a public transition at puberty.

Directly171717171717 · 25/08/2026 16:44

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 25/08/2026 16:18

I think sometimes people have a bit of a shock when they suddenly see someone they've always known as a kid as an adult. As a father, there's been a few of them for me. Sometimes its something about their personality, like the first time they legitimately out argue you on something, or know more about something than you.

And sometimes it is physical. For me that was seeing DD in her prom dress at 16 and thinking "Bloody hell, when did she turn into a woman?" And yes, part of that was that she suddenly had cleavage, and a waist. (She lived in baggy T-shirts at the time). And no, that doesn't make me a perv for noticing.

And it works the other way around as well. I can think of at least two occasions when my Mum probably had that "He's a man" revelation about me. The first was when I legged it from my bedroom to the bathroom naked to chuck something in the wash basket and timed it badly, giving my Mum a view of my backside as I ran back into my room. I know she got a good view because I got a "When the hell did you get a hairy arse!" shouted after me.

The second time was the summer between 6th form and uni and I'd been swimming lots and started going to the gym. I turned from a weedy little nerd into a, well, somewhat less weedy little nerd. I took my shirt off down the beach on holiday and got a "You've got shoulder muscles!" from her.

Was she perving on either occasion? God no, just realising that her kid wasn't exactly a kid any more.

Would you have said to your wife ‘she’s growing up, her boobs are hanging out’ after you noticed her cleavage?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 25/08/2026 16:50

Directly171717171717 · 25/08/2026 16:44

Would you have said to your wife ‘she’s growing up, her boobs are hanging out’ after you noticed her cleavage?

Me and DP did have a conversation at the time about how grown up she looked, can't remember what we said though.

A couple of months back, DP did say to me after DD headed out in some new clothes. "Christ, she was a bit booby in that top". Does that help?

Directly171717171717 · 25/08/2026 17:23

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 25/08/2026 16:50

Me and DP did have a conversation at the time about how grown up she looked, can't remember what we said though.

A couple of months back, DP did say to me after DD headed out in some new clothes. "Christ, she was a bit booby in that top". Does that help?

I’m not sure why it would help. It’s a shame you can’t remember if you had a conversation about your child growing up without mentioning her breasts though.

HairyAries · 25/08/2026 17:55

I think our society has progressed over the years, in that it’s not seen as so acceptable anymore to comment on people’s bodies at all. Of course there are always some (usually older) people who didn’t quite get the memo. So OP, with respect could it be that your partner is just a bit old-school and clumsy with words and not knowing what’s inappropriate? (Rather than being creepy.)

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 19:34

Just asked him about it again he said he had mentioned it coz he didn’t know why she was wearing such a top when she is a child. I said would you be happy saying the same to her mother (his sister) and he said yes

I pressed a little to discuss it more and he got very defensive and angry but he’s in a general grump anyway

OP posts:
godmum56 · 25/08/2026 19:56

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 19:34

Just asked him about it again he said he had mentioned it coz he didn’t know why she was wearing such a top when she is a child. I said would you be happy saying the same to her mother (his sister) and he said yes

I pressed a little to discuss it more and he got very defensive and angry but he’s in a general grump anyway

I'd say there is no such thing as a "general grump" and angry and defensive says to me that he knew he shouldn't have said it.

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 19:58

godmum56 · 25/08/2026 19:56

I'd say there is no such thing as a "general grump" and angry and defensive says to me that he knew he shouldn't have said it.

I don’t particularly disagree with you but you don’t think there is such a thing as a person being in a bad mood ?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 25/08/2026 19:59

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 19:58

I don’t particularly disagree with you but you don’t think there is such a thing as a person being in a bad mood ?

I think something ALWAYS triggers it. It may be a last straw situation but there is always a reason.

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 20:07

godmum56 · 25/08/2026 19:59

I think something ALWAYS triggers it. It may be a last straw situation but there is always a reason.

So you think his last straw is that I’ve questioned his comments about his niece - probably true to be honest x

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 25/08/2026 20:09

Gingercatonshed · 24/08/2026 22:53

Well I wasn’t there so I tried to understand if it was an obscene low cut top or just a normal vest etc if it was the former I may understand the comment abit more

And which one was it?
Surely knowing this will help us decide if YABU or not.

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 20:12

missmollygreen · 25/08/2026 20:09

And which one was it?
Surely knowing this will help us decide if YABU or not.

It’s hard to know without seeing it but he said he’s never seen me wear a top like that and I’m not exactly shy myself

OP posts:
Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 20:14

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 20:12

It’s hard to know without seeing it but he said he’s never seen me wear a top like that and I’m not exactly shy myself

However I find it hard to believe knowing the family that her mum would have let her wear something out of the ordinary

OP posts:
godmum56 · 25/08/2026 21:01

Gingercatonshed · 25/08/2026 20:07

So you think his last straw is that I’ve questioned his comments about his niece - probably true to be honest x

Definitely possible but WHY was that a trigger?
I still don't understand his phraseology either.

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