AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my partner's comment on teenage niece?

[Gingercatonshed]

If your partner said to you “it was weird how grown up dear niece looks she had her boobs out at the family meal, I still just think of her as being so young” would you find this weird ?

for context partner early 30s and niece is 16. It made me feel uncomfortable not sure if it was genuine “oh she’s turning into a woman” comment from my partner or it its abit Pervy / strange to notice …

I mean if she turned up with a low cut top, boobs very visible, when the last time he saw her she was still very childlike, and he was speaking to his intimate partner, then I don't see anything wrong with it to be honest.

I think it’s weird because he didn’t have to mention her breasts at all, in doing so he’s made it clear he noticed them… All he had to say was “I still think of niece as a small child, she looked very grown up today and it shocked me a little”.

I think it’s creepy. I’d understand if he’d said something along the lines of she’s so grown up now, it doesn’t seem 2 minutes since she was a toddler but to hone in on it being “boobs” is weird and inappropriate. shes a child and his niece. Noticing her breasts shouldn’t be a thing.

Yes, very young women do often suddenly start wearing very revealing clothes while they find their fashion sense. It's noticeable and commenting in private to your partner send ok but I guess you would have to be there to really know what his tone was.

As a woman, I notice low cut tops, and there definitely seems a trend for teenagers wearing revealing tops. I'd rather they put it away at the dinner table

this

The clincher here for me is- would he be ok with it if she were his daughter and your brother made a remark like that?
Would you, if it were your daughter and his brother?
Personally I'd be telling them assertively to get a grip.

I remember my late MiL saying to her other daughter (my SiL) that her granddaughter, who'd just turned 16, had got 'very hairy, very quickly down there..' 😳I was mortified. It's not just guys who say awkward things.

A lot of posters making an issue of the fact that op’s partner noticed nieces breasts. Why is this an issue?

Breasts are a body part like any other, if I was interacting with someone who was wearing something particularly low cut, whether they were 15 or 50, I’d notice their breasts. Because I have eyes and they’re in front of me. Doesn’t mean I’m viewing that person sexually or “ogling” them.

I am a woman by the way.

I don’t believe for a second that if anyone has young relatives that turned up for dinner wearing something low cut and showing a lot of chest that the other people there wouldn’t notice, female or male, relative or otherwise.

I wonder if people would think it equally as creepy if a woman made the same kind of comment?

It’s the word, DH has referred to my boobs, we have a sexual relationship. He would never refer to his nieces “boobs” because the word is objectifying. If he objected to something she was wearing (which he probably wouldn’t because he sees her as a child) he would say her clothes were a bit too revealing.

Phrases like “got your boobs out, had her boobs out” are always sexual in nature. They are intended to sexualise a body part, like you presented them to everyone for inspection.

In all situations where evaluating male behaviour women need to trust their instincts.

Agreed. It would be weird and creepy for him to comment to niece's face, but for him to mention it to his own partner in private later when discussing an event she'd missed wouldn't particularly register as weird.

DW and I make all kinds of comments in private that we wouldn't make to people's faces - that shirt Steve was wearing wore was awful, like he was going to a nightclub in the early 90s; nephew needs to start shaving - have you seen the 'tache on him; BIL's "signature recipe" still tastes rank, I don't know why he always makes it; etc.

While I recognise that women's bodies are unfortunately commented on and sexualised much more than men's, the claim that "Nobody ever says of a man or boy: oh he has got his legs out" is incorrect. My MIL said to me at a family pub lunch only on Sunday, "Oh, you've got your legs out, then."

He’s disgusting.

My DH is the most wonderful uncle and there is absolutely no universe something like this would even come to his mind, let alone out of his mouth. Imagine how that girl would feel if she’d heard?

In our family (of feminists) everyone is encouraged to wear whatever they want, we go on holidays to beach locations and cleavage/showing skin/wearing bikinis is all very normal and nobody would ever comment on a relatives body in that way.

Was your niece actually topless at the time? If she was merely wearing an ordinary top it's beyond shitty to describe her as 'having her boobs out'.

If you can’t tell the difference between ‘oh you’ve got your legs out then’ and leering over, for example, your six pack I fear you shouldn't be commenting. Men’s legs aren’t sexualised in the same way women’s chests, or even legs are.

So how should people refer to breasts then if we can’t use the word?

like it or not, breasts get noticed, whether they’re on a 16yr old or an older person, I notice them constantly, there’s nothing sexual about it.
but men are demonised when they notice. Why do we live in a time when woman are allowed to wear whatever they want (as they absolutely should be) but we have to pretend we just don’t notice if someone is wearing something particularly revealing?

people are allowed to notice clothes and bodies.
there’s not always a sinister motive behind everything, if people wear revealing clothes I will look and I will notice breasts and bums and arms and backs, doesn’t mean I’m creeping on them.

Green flag imo

I’ve definitely thought and said this about my own 16yr old niece. But even if my DH had thought it (which I think is natural for anyone), he has the intelligence to know it inappropriate to comment on it.

Obviously men don't suffer from the same problem in the same way. It just doesn't help people to support their positions when they make statements that are demonstrably untrue.

It's unnecessary and patronising to point out to me that "Men’s legs aren’t sexualised in the same way women’s chests, or even legs are" when the post you're responding to literally states that "women's bodies are unfortunately sexualised much more than men's".

I'm tempted to suggest that if you can't read and react appropriately to people who are are entering into a discussion in good faith and whose short, two-sentence posts explicitly recognise the point you're making, then maybe you shouldn't be commenting either....

I don’t think there’s a person alive who describes a young woman as ‘boobs out’ who isn’t a card-carrying misogynist.

That there are women who consider this bullshit a ‘green flag’ is ludicrous.

Agree.

Agree. It's an inappropriate description. I don't think it's inappropriate to have noticed as such, or even to have mentioned to his partner later in private that niece is growing into a young woman, but this specific turn of phrase feels inappropriately sexualised. Hopefully it's just clumsy and not a serious red flag.

His tone was definitely not Pervy he just said it very matter of fact almost with a raised eyebrow. I was abit shocked and said “what do you mean what sort of top” and he gestured at his chest as if to say it was a really low cut top. He wasn’t shaming her for her top choice at all.

I said something along the lines of “it’s strange you noticed” and he just said “she’s my niece” in a “of course I wasn’t perving” sort of tone.

The conversation progressed to something else whilst I was quietly thinking if it was strange or not.

He has been very involved with her since she was a baby - they are a close family.

it just didn’t feel right to me - I don’t think he should have mentioned it but interesting to get different perspectives

Take it at face value. He was probably uncomfortable watching someone he considers a family member and has known since she was very young, dressing in a grown up and seductive way. YABU