My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

The thing is, you don't know why she was asking, but you do know why you asked her that question, and that was because you wanted to be rude to her.

Trust me I could just tell. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t pick up a judgmental tone. The aunt has very weird views. Thinks women should serve men. Makes being a maid to men her personality. She quite obviously favours her sons.

Asking someone their age is a pretty normal part of a conversation. You’re 32 not 92. I don’t think it was rude to ask if it was part of a conversation. Asking about her bmi was just weird.

Absolutely amazing comeback! Good on you for having firm boundaries and healthy self esteem.

But you can't just tell because you aren't a mind reader. But we know you said the BMI thing to be rude because you admitted it.

I shouldn't be the one to tell you that different cultures have different views on gender roles.

You were incredibly rude.

I would have (and indeed used to) show my rudeness differently, in a way no one could criticize me for: I just never replied. I maintained eye contact, smiled even, but never answered. They would feel uncomfortable and either move on, or splitter an over explanation. Whatever, I countered rude with polite. It might be better for you in future.

As for this instance, what’s done is done. You were more rude to ask an elder her BMI than she was to ask your age, but both are rude. This impression they have of you will stick now. You’ll just have to deal with it. Are you generally hot headed or just with this one thing?

Im normally very polite and a people pleaser

How did you actually phrase it, OP?

I really cannot fathom a conversation where the response to ‘how old are you’ is ‘how much do you weigh?’

Yes, you were much, much ruder than her.

Well, either apologize and hope she accepts it, or stick by your guns. Those are your options. I wouldn’t think this is a hill to die on, personally.

Hahaha! That was a very quick retort, i admire your quick-wittedness and bravery! Safe to say you've burned your bridges there though - depends if you care about this Aunt/the extended family.

I don't think it was proportionate tbh. I think you are sick to death of this part of the culture, but it was OTT for your boyfriends aunt to take the brunt of your frustration.
I think you dont really want to be part of that family and have already got one foot out of the door.

Thing is that it doesn't really matter what we think - it's the aunt's house and she doesn't want you there. As a PP said, you either apologize (and hope it is accepted) or you miss out on any events held there.

Well it's lucky you don't have to have anything to do with her any more.

and yes, you were quite rude.

I know it was rude. She had been getting on my nerves with some of the backwards arse things I had overheard her saying. Very grating personality

I do regret it cause people will have a false impression of me. I’m only just getting to know some of the family

My nana always used to say "as old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth".

I think enquiring about woman’s age to see if she is still of value is more offensive personally

My husband has many quite annoying family members. Its just the way it is. I don't think its ok to just let rip and be rude. I think its ok to show a bit of respect to your partners family even if they are idiots.

It isn't a false impression. That's who you are.

You don't know she did this. You just think she did. Then you reacted viciously
.

I obviously tried saying it in a banter-y/light teasing kind of way

She was a bit indelicate. You were downright rude.

Also " you catch more flies with honey than vinegar".

This is the trouble with being a people pleaser.
There is a healthy middle ground between total passivity and being quite aggressive.
It’s taken me years to learn this and I totally understand how being a people pleaser for so long led you to finally snap at the aunt.
What’s done is done. I suggest you now work on holding boundaries and being firm in your own convictions without worrying what other people think.
It’s honestly life changing. People admire those who are authentic and genuine - being a people pleaser is no good for anyone except the person who’s ego you’re massaging in the moment.
As you’ve now learned, the resentment grows and ends up exploding out!
I don’t take any shit from anyone but I am never rude and I don’t care if they don’t like me for having boundaries. I find it keeps the narcissists at bay and makes it easier to build genuine connections with lovely people.