My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

There's nothing weird about asking someone their age. You were really weird and rude about it

She was cheeky.

You were rude.

Have you not heard of the phrase “when they go low, we go high”?

The correct response range would be something around “why do you need to know that?” “I really can’t remember” “ that’s not a question you ask a lady”

You could have been assertive but instead you were aggressive to someone in their own home.

I would be more concerned about what kind of family any future children of mine would be born into. Worse still, if the relationship broke down and the bf/husband got 50/50 custody of them. I'd just move on tbh, and as a PP said, find a less shitty family.

You were ruder than her.
Asking someone, particularly someone younger than you, their age can be rude or neutral. You were assuming rudeness because of your dislike for her. You could have answered in a way that showed you found her rude or not answered. Asking anyone their BMI (outside of a medical setting) is always rude and particularly so to an older relative.
I wouldn't expect her to include you in any future gatherings, seeing as you dislike her that shouldn't bother you too much.
I would question whether your age and "being past it" is something that bothers you - if a boyfriend's older relative asked my age, I may have considered the question strange and maybe rude or intrusive. But it wouldn't have upset me or made me want to insult them.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness.

This speaks volumes really.

She can go around calling people fat all she likes but it’s hardly a ‘witty joke’. Just a mean response to what she percieved as being called old. You can hardly then moan that the woman and family are now upset with you.

Yikes, he’ll never marry you… (if that’s even what you want) his family will hate you forever now!

She was rude and your reply was rude, funny but still rude. Good for you not being a doormat but she doesn’t have to be one either. You needed her hospitality which she has withdrawn, presumably she needs nothing from you.
There are better ways to deal with these kind of comments than lowering yourself to their level. ‘Old enough, you?’ is what I usually say. Or ‘in my culture we consider that question rude’. It’s much harder for people to then blame you for also being rude.

So did mine! OP, you need to find a way to make your displeasure felt whilst remaining polite.

These people are regularly feeding and entertaining OP at their home to the extent OP is pissed off she is no longer welcome back.

That sounds lovely chattel duty, where do I sign up.

Remember ladies, we must be polite and nice at all times otherwise all we are good for is fucking

Is it an island nation perchance? Half my family come from the island I think you may mean and I've endured very similar comments particularly from one uncle who basically told me I was 'on the shelf'.
OP, I completely applaud your excellent retort. It was justified.

You were just plain nasty, op.

Fabulous first impression with his family. Hope he is worth it.

Assuming his family is close you are going to be spending time with these people, are you planning to just ignore the reaction and hope it is forgotten about (it won’t) or try some damage control?

Surely she can tell roughly how old you are from looking at you? Past what?

I think you were crazy to say something like that to your partner's family. Even if she is the biggest bitch in the world, you've just made yourself look even worse in their eyes

I don’t think it was that rude, you knew exactly why she enquired about your age soon after meeting her & I’ve had seemingly standard questions asked of me but knew there was an agenda behind it. My husband once responded to a comment from a relative who kept banging on about how much hair he had lost since she last saw him by telling her with how much weight she’d put on in same time, didn’t go down well but she started it. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I were you she’ll get over it & stop asking insensitive questions with any luck.

Then she can move on and find someone who is ok with her disrespecting his family members when she feels slighted. The middle and upper classes have plenty of those.

Sick to death of people judging me

You sound like someone who goes through life taking offence at completely innocuous remarks and assuming everyone is judging you. People aren’t thinking about you that much.

Your comment was rude and you sound very difficult. Asking someone’s age is completely normal. You took it amiss because that’s what you do, which is why you think everyone is judging you.

But the OP didn’t call her fat. The aunt asked the OP’s age, the OP asked the aunt’s BMI. They both implied something, didn’t they? So what’s the matter? Oh I forgot, this is MN, where anything related to weight gets everyone up in arms for some bizarre reason.

I think you were rude. There’s an awful lot of assumptions and issues in your head.
You were having a conversation she asks how old you are. That’s a normal conversation type question. She’s not said anything negative to you from the way you have posted.
To ask a weight question is totally off topic and asking bmi isn’t a normal conversation topic.
I think all you can do is apologise but it’s likely to be awkward if you do keep seeing boyfriend longer term. If there is a reason eg you are autistic and struggle with normal social interactions maybe think about sharing that.

What are you talking about?

If it were a non judgmental / misogynist person I’d say it’s ok to ask age.. it helps contextualise someone’s life sometimes if you’re having a detailed conversation. I mention my age where needed as it’s sometimes relevant (I’m a mature student atm, with kids at home and a job - not same as other students I am grouped with at uni) and there are other scenarios.
However it sounds like she was not someone who’d be innocently asking. I wouldn’t have said what you did, but I might have asked her why she was interested in my age. I don’t think your relationship will recover, since this is a key family member and this will never be forgiven & forgotten.

Where does the OP say these people have been regularly feeding and entertaining her?

She asked a question that is dated but culturally normal for her age and culture. It was asked, misguidedly, from what you call a place of concern.

You asked a question that is not acceptable in any time period, age group or culture. It was asked in a deliberate attempt to cause offence.

They are not equal levels of rude. You win by a landslide in terms of rudeness.