My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

You were really rude.

I don't think there are many people on here who would be interested in being considered "wife material" by one of your family, tbh.

🙄 there’s no excuse for being rude. Get over yourself.

Asking someone's age and even what they earn is not uncommon in several.parts of the world. It's irritating because often asked of a woman due to childbearing issues. In UK we don't usually ask these questions. It isn't considered rude elsewhere or among older people because normal and.of interest. It was unkind of you to ask about BMI as very personal and meant in a mean way. Try to let the age question go over your head or find a non- defensive way to respond. Yes it irritating but don't take it on.

OP says this aunt’s house is where everyone always gathers.

Read it again if youre struggling. The words arent going anywhere.

🤣🤣🤣

Yes you were rude. You could have asserted your boundaries by asking her how old she was, rather than her BMI.

You were inferring the reasons for her asking but your inferences may have been wide of the mark, yet there is no way to impute anything other than a ‘you’re very fat’ subtext to asking an older, plump woman what her BMI is.

I think you should apologise and reassess how you respond to those sorts of questions going forward - for instance you could have simply ask ‘why are you asking’, or added, ‘I’m still very young, obviously’. If someone is being rude/invasive [or you infer that they are] it does not give you licence to be twice as rude back. That isn’t ‘asserting boundaries’. It’s just being obnoxious.

I get how grating that must be. I really do.

But what were you hoping to achieve? She's was never going to say 'oho, you've got me bang to rights!' She probably doesn't even understand how she's offended you.

You've just pissed her off and like it or not, she's in a position of power over you and can now make your family life difficult.

You have two choices:
Grovel, apologise and try to get back in the family good books (painful though that will be)

or suck it up and deal with the effect of this row on your relationship.

You need to think about your long term game plan and what you want to achieve from the interaction. Saying things like this to someone you're never going to see again might be ok as you won't have to deal with the consequences, but don't do it with someone you have to have an ongoing relationship with - it will not end well and will just cause more aggro.

I disagree. A lot of you would pray for the hardworking, respectful, attentive men in my family. Half of you know here that you have to work your arses off alongside everything else because your husband will do fuck all for you if you break up.

It would be a disgrace in my family if a man's co-parent was anything but flourishing

Yes, but where does she say she has been regularly fed and entertained by them?

YABU

I completely understand why you are sick to death of the judgment. It is incredibly exhausting to constantly have your life choices, career, and marital status scrutinized by an older generation with outdated metrics of success. Your frustration is 100% valid, and your mum is right that the aunt's underlying implication was rude.However, your comeback wasn’t "equal levels" rude, it completely escalated the situation and put you firmly in the wrong.

In traditional Mediterranean culture, asking a woman’s age and marital status is standard and normal. To her, she was asking a demographic question based on her worldview. You, on the other hand, asked about her BMI with the sole, deliberate intention of hurting her feelings and body-shaming her, thinking it was a tit for tat. You lost the moral high ground: The moment you weaponized a specific physical insecurity, you shifted from "a young woman defending her boundaries" to "the person who insulted a family elder."

You cannot shame or bully a traditional elder into adopting modern Western feminism. It doesn't work. All you did was prove to the family that you are volatile and disrespectful to elders, which is why the entire family has rallied around her and banned you from the house.

You are 32, career focused and well traveled. You have outgrown her worldview. Next time, don't let people like this pull you down into the mud with them. When you match ignorance with toxicity, you don't achieve growth or change minds, you just burn your own bridges and create a massive headache for your partner.If you want any hope of fixing this relationship you will have to put your big girl boots and realise what you have done is wrong and speak to your BF about how to mend the bridges. Otherwise maybe want to consider whether this relationship is for you at all as with your behaviour you will just continue to burn bridges with his family which will destroy your relationship or destroys his relationship with his family.

Which Mediterraneans family gatherings don't include food?

Hint: none.

Asking someone their age is a pretty normal part of a conversation.

It may be in some social circles, but in others it most definitely is not. I was brought up to believe it is extremely rude to ask any adult their age.

In response to you're very tall - my sister used to say and you're very fat, or you have a big nose, ears or what ever feature she felt they were likely to be most insecure about.

No we wouldn’t. Most women don’t want to be treated like either Madonnas or whores, which, based upon your posts, appears to be the only two forms of existence open to the women in your family.

But op knows she isn't old.

I just don't think being asked your age ever justifies trying to fat shame someone and its sad that so many on here think its appropriate

You can infer all you like, but the OP has not said that.

Same.

Being able to be respectful to elders doesn't make you Madonna ffs. It's like the bare minimum.

Do you find it that hard not to lash out and be spiteful when you feel aggrieved?

So why is she so keen to go back?

Asking someone their age is a pretty normal part of a conversation.

It really isn’t, not where I’m from anyway.

Again, in certain cultures being unmarried in your thirties is considered to be a source of shame, so within the context provided by the OP, then yes, she would be considered old.

Consider the context put before you, not your own.

Very quick and sharp, well done OP. Will make her think twice about her misogynistic questions in future. My MIL was a misogynist too, they aren’t as uncommon as you might think.

Her words upset you. And I understand why you lashed out. But. Your retort doesn’t balance things out. I understand about sticking up for yourself but in this instance the best thing to do would be to walk away. Let her words wash over you and leave it. The aggravation of the aftermath is not worth it. Let someone be judgmental. That’s their issue not yours. Their riddle to solve.