My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

Your reply was way ruder. She could have been asking out of general interest and not being judgemental (even if she was, there was a possibility that she wasnt) whereas you were clearly saying she was fat! You are very touchy about your age. What does "passed it" mean? Childbearing? You have a decade so why so intense?

Again, does she say that in any of her posts?

This is so disingenuous. You know exactly why it's rude because you explain it: "Older people in my culture can sometimes be seen as invalid, not worth listening to." The fact that you personally claim not to feel that way doesn't negate the fact that it's rude for that reason.

And if you can understand why it's rude to point out someone's weight, you can understand why it's rude to point out someone's age. There's nothing inherently wrong with being fat either so by the same logic it should be fine to ask someone's BMI as well.

@Rebes you know the culture, you know this woman and you know what she was doing

she knew what she was asking.

she won’t be asking you again now will she.

ignore everything thrown at you. You’ve just put down your boundary and nobody is going to mess with you again.

I don’t know the nationality you’re from, but I lived in Egypt once and this sentiment is absolutely rife there. You’re literally on the scrap heap if you’re female over 30. You’re treated like shit because clearly you’re desperate and will have to accept whatever awful bloke and his sleazy advances comes your way.

yes it’s rude what you said, but you know the implications of what she was asking were way worse because it wasn’t called for.

are you sure about being involved with this family?

“a” Madonna.

Madonna made a career out of not respecting her elders!

Similarly, OP can infer that the aunt thinks she's over the hill, but the aunt has not said that.

Do you not see the irony in your posts?

Why do elders deserve respect just for being old?

She asked a personal question that is usually ‘not done’, and considered impolite, so IMO you were entitled to retaliate.

However you were VVU to say ‘step foot’. It’s SET foot! Where TF did this aberration come from - as if I didn’t know - from across the pond, as usual.

Your aunt doesn’t know your age?

It was a bit rude but I do also think good on you, if she’s judgy sounds like she needs put in her place anyway.

I would have asked the cousin, why did AUNT ask me my age. [And waited for the truth to come...]

She knows your age, or rough age. She knows her views on unmarried 30 something females. She was having a dig. She asked a personal question and so did you.

Respect your elders is held high..... but respect is earned and she didnt earn it.

I support you.

Is it time to get back to serving your man? We wouldn’t want the men in your family to think you’re only worth a fuck now, would we.

What a nasty spiteful thing to say. Is your BF furious. Because I would be if you said anything like that to my aunt.

Her DP’s aunt

'A Madonna' isn't really right. For Catholics, there is no such thing as 'a Madonna', there is only one (Mary).

It won't make her think twice about her misogynistic questions of course not, she probably doesn't see the question as misogynistic.

It will make her think twice about inviting OP back into her house after she body shamed her, which is way worse. So now OP's whole family thinks she's rude, which she is, and OP won't be invited back to the place where the family gathers.

Silly way to behave.

But why does it matter so much to you what the older generation's opinion of you and your marital situation is?

If she had started a tirade about you being 32 and unmarried, surely you could just tell her that you're perfectly happy with your unmarried state and have no intention of changing it any time soon.

When you're in someone's home and you know that they have different cultural norms or opinions from you it's perfectly possible to deal with them politely but in a way that sets your boundaries. Obviously, if they're raving nazis or racists then that's a different matter.

You were incredibly and unnecessarily rude to a woman who I image you would rather be on good terms with, given that she's your boy friend's aunt.

You're clearly pleased at your 'clever' comeback but you will now have to accept that you've well and truly burnt your bridges with the wider family and very likely with your boyfriend.

Surely if you wanted a 'bantery' response it's 'you never ask a lady her age' or if you want to make a point you actually make the point, rather than this weird attack?

You sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder and yes, you were incredibly rude. Good on the family for sticking up for this aunt - you should reach out and apologise before you become the ex-girlfriend.

Again it depends on what family you come from.

The elders in my family have been aspirational and generous to us younger generation. The same pretty much goes for the elder generation in my community generally. For that reason, you automatically offer them utmost respect unless they give you real cause not to. Real cause would be like child molesting.

I guess if you come from a shitty background and have been raised in a questionable community by dodgy, immoral people, you'll feel differently.

Ironically it's OP's boyfriend and OP being served by this aunt in her home and having to deal with rudeness in her own home.

Not very feminist is it.

Your own words make it clear that you brought your own baggage to the conversation, and the aunt was on the receiving end of the anger you have felt with many other people, not just her. If you hadn't felt sensitive on the subject, the question wouldn't have annoyed you so much.

But unless you look much older than your age and look past child-bearing age, or your partner is much younger than you, I don’t really know why the question worries you so much. It’s not really such an unusual question to ask a younger person. If you really didn’t want to answer you could have said "Why do you want to know?" or "I don’t discuss people's ages" or "young enough to have plenty of time left" rather than deliberately choosing a reply that you knew would be hurtful.

"But boundaries!" is not an excuse for rudeness. It’s not as if she had asked you that question ten times before.

She was perhaps being nosy. You were being plain nasty.

I never understand why people get offended by someone asking them how old they are.It is literally just how long you have been alive ! Making ageist comments is offensive though but asking how old you are is just asking for information.

Understand the context.

You've messed up big time here, assuming they are British