My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

Oh dear. Quite funny I think but perhaps a tad uneccessary.

She was very inquisitive, but you were deliberately rude- i'm not surprised your BF is not pleased.
Women without children always get this sort of attention, you have to learn to shrug it off or you will seem rude.

I think you were rude and also YABU to say “step foot”, it’s “set foot”

But where does inquisitiveness end and rudeness begin? Why, to just take that second half of your post, is it ok for you to say that but nobody says ‘women who are overweight always get this sort of attention. You have to learn to shrug it off or you will seem rude’.

The aunt got as good as she gave imo. The slightly under the radar ‘but it was only a question, I’m just interested’ crap she was dishing out is worse in a way. OP was saying ‘watch out if you’re going to ask personal questions’, sure she was a bit near the knuckle but the aunt needs to woman up if she’s going to start it. I reckon the OP’s take on why she was asking is spot on.

Wow that was a good one - I'm surprised she knew what you meant!!

I'm married to a Cypriot and yes we had all those questions (and worse!) too when we got together as I'm 10 yrs older but they soon thought I was absolutely wonderful giving birh at 49!😆

The main outcome is you have not gained anything and have lost out for your plain speaking.

She has a power base stronger than yours - insulting her is not in your interest however clumsy she was in how she spoke to you.

IME people don’t mean to be as rude as they sound; ask anyone who has experienced infertility - it’s hard to socialize when you’re ’trying’. When people see you’re not drinking, when you have ‘only’ one child and can’t have another etc. People say very rude things to women. But they are rude to men too. People are rude to red heads, to balding men, to short people.

IME I have always found a diplomatic deflection wins every time.

And if she questioned you from that point on I would have addressed those questions directly, you were delberatley rude with what you stated as ''I knew..." not what was said

but you won't beleive this you will only people who say what you want them to say to be perfetly honest

Sounds like you were slightly less rude (because you weren't actually trying to decide on her worth as a person) but also a lot less politic since she holds the power in that situation and you are now excluded. But I can totally see why you did it and I hope it has some knock on impact on the family more generally.

I’m married and I find it offensive within this context. We all need to call out misogyny at every opportunity, not just when it personally affects us.

Personally, I think it's magnificent

Looking on the bright side

You have been barred from her house

You have saved yourself hours of this nonsense spending time with these people

Some women spend years trying to get into this position

Continue living your fabulous life @Rebes

You just don't answer, and you don't sink to their level by getting personal- no one is holding your feet to the flames , just don't answer.

What a shitty response. Why does her opinion on your age matter? Your partner clearly doesn’t think you’re “passed it”.
Not surprised they’re pissed off with you.

Oh I don’t disagree there might have been a better way of responding (although total silence is very much against the social norm ), but that’s not what I was responding to was it. I was responding to your point that what OP said was necessary worse than what aunt said to her. I think that’s just based on a widely held but subjective view that weight is just about the worst thing you can refer to when talking to a woman.

• necessarily

I know I'm in a minority here but I think the societal rule that it's rude to ask someone their age is ridiculous. It implies that it's something to be ashamed of - we should be working to break that down.

Anyway - in this scenario a much better response is "why do you ask?" If they're being nosy, this will make them uncomfortable without you behaving rudely.

I don't mind sharing my age but it's the value judgement that always follows.
If I say I'm 50 - is the response going to be - I wouldn't have guessed - you look great for 50 or oh....or if they say nothing the assumption is they haven't anything nice to say so won't say anything at all.
So I'd say I'd rather not be asked because I'd rather not get the comment -positive or no comment afterwards. I don't wish to discuss my appearance.

Just wanted to point out the coincidence that I’m currently on another thread about TV series Ann Droid in which the robot comes out with the immortal icebreaker ‘how much do you weigh?’