AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

YAB a bit U - The weekday part is totally normal. The working away, if that’s what his job requires, is also perfectly reasonable. You are certainly not ‘like a single parent’ in any way.

The weekend doing a hobby is mostly fine as long as you also get to have a similar amount of time to do a hobby, if you wish, or spend some time with friends without your baby, if you wish and as long as the rest of the weekend he’s spending time with you both.

The part that is not unreasonable is that you’re feeling isolated and have nobody local for support. Him dismissing that is unkind and unsupportive in itself and I’d be very disappointed if my partner didn’t care about my well-being in that way.

8am-6pm out of the house would be very normal for someone working f/t with a commute.

Working away again normal if the job requires it.

What he does need to do is ease up on the night out every week & the weekend hobby so you get some time off.

It doesn’t sound a great situation OP. Realistically, can you afford to move back to your hometown? Would you want to?

I remember moving away from my family many years ago. DD was 3 and I was 6 months pregnant. I was insanely jealous of those who were living close to their families. But I made my bed, I had to lie in it! i did many a few “ mum” friends eventually, but they were short lived unfortunately.

How does your husband know that lots of people live like this and without complaining??

How is your relationship in general? Can you make friends at baby groups?

Sounds like you need more of a break from baby duty. Sit husband down and tell him, you need time off. It’s exhausting looking after a baby all day with no break.

Are you planning to go back to work? You sound isolated

It's normal for lots of people I know but I assume they knew that before they settled down and had kids as the breadwinner was always on this trajectory.

The 8am-6pm sounds very normal if I'm honest. What happens on Saturday afternoon and Sunday? Do you get good family time then? Or time to get a haircut, see friends on your own etc?

This was my life, I survived by making good friends and building my own support network and regular visits to my family .
It wouldn’t feel so hard if you were also getting to see friends and time to yourself

This sounds like normal working hours for most people, and a hobby one morning at the weekend seems fine. When are you going back to work? It sounds more like you being lonely than him being unreasonable. I wasn't a huge fan of mat leave

My husband had longer hours than this and was away more often. I grew to think it normal but it’s hard. We have since split up and my day to day life has barely changed, single mother then, single mother now.
I hope you can come up with a solution OP before it splits you.

Yes this was my experience, except with the commute he was out of the house at 6am and not home before 8:30/9pm most nights. This was before working from home became the norm so it was 5 days a week in the office. The difference was he gave up his weekend hobby and I got to catch up on sleep on a Saturday morning while he took the baby out of the house.

It was normal for me. Only it was 6 full days a week (but working, not hobbies. But can a job also be a hobby...kind of!). He would do the drop offs when I went back to work.

It's part of the reason we only have 2 children. If he was around more, we might have had a third.

Doesn't mean that it's the best way or anything.

My question would be what was he like before? I’m assuming exactly the same but it wasn’t an issue as you were working and doing your own thing.

you can’t go back in time and change anything but was his work, life, hobby balance not discussed before the baby was on its way?

ultimately if you’re unhappy and there is no plan for him to change anything. Such as forgoing the weekly drinks and committing to getting home early twice a week then it’s up to you to make changes that make you happy

It's really nothing like being a single parent.

It is normal but the hobby is not. What happens on a Sunday? Do you get time to yourself? I'm not going to be a dick and say "what did you expect you know his working patterns" did he promise you a change before baby came? That can be very lonely I hope you manage to keep in touch with friends etc.

If your relationship is not working then move back home. If its just the isolation you need to get the big girl pants on and join groups. I remember it well blooming awful feeling. But check facebook, local page might have information on walking groups in the evening just for an hour, local toddler groups. If not you could start a group yourself. Local exercise groups do evening classes, once your partner is home. Good luck.

If you were like a single mother you would also be paying all the bills and doing all the housework so I wouldn't say that part was accurate. If you are feeling lonely and unsupported can you make friends, join activities?

It doesn't sound too bad. In what way do you want things to be different?

What sort of area do you live in? Do you have a car/ Is there public transport? You need to start trying to make friendships with other mums. It's hit and miss with baby groups, some are cliquey as hell so don't let them get you down or take it personally. Try others. Go out to cafes and parks and other kids activities.

Your husband’s schedule sounds pretty typical for someone who runs a company. I’m impressed he’s reliably finished working and home by 6pm tbh.

But golfing (or whatever it is) every Saturday morning? Nope. Family takes priority when there’s a baby to care for.

Are you planning to get back to work yourself after finishing mat leave?

Doesn’t matter what’s normal or not, if you’re unhappy about this then yes, have a serious think about moving closer to your family and support network

I totally agree with all this. What you do about feeling isolated is then up to you - do you go to any mum and baby groups? Do any of your friends have similar age children? I used to take my little ones out for much of the day to groups, meet friends, galleries, parks, that always worked for me. Realistically, other people are in this situation - you need to meet them.

I'm going to go against the grain of the majority of posters here and say that you have my absolute sympathy and that sounds absolutely shittifyingly awful.

It may be "the norm" for a lot of women but OMG it shouldn't be. Expected to raise a baby in isolation while your husband gets to look like a good husband and father?

Remember, if he was not with you, he would have to go out to work and pay bills and he would have to do his own housework and cooking.

Do you get equal leisure time to him? A nice dinner out once a week and 6 hours child free time to do a hobby?

Can you join him on Saturday? Like if it's football you can go and do something after? Maybe skip drinks every week and go every other week. I don't think the problem is his job , I think it's your lack of company , etc. Find some baby groups you can go to . You won't be the only one in this position.

This scenario will only work if you also get at least one night out a week and a day to do your hobby. If he has sat then you take Sunday? The hours themselves aren’t unreasonable and neither are the work trips. What will happen when you go back to work ?

@RibenaToothkindits really normal to be out the house 8-6 for work, many people get home
later than that!