AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

You'd be paying half the childcare and he the other half. You'd have your salary to fall back on if you decide the relationship has run its course. It would get you away from caring for your baby during the day which you indicate you are unhappy with. Because really, unless he goes part-time, your DP being out of the house 8am to 6pm is pretty good and chances are if he wasn't self employed, he'd be out of the house for longer each day.

But are you married?

Honestly, for me it would be a choice between leaving him (entirely) and moving close to family, or getting married and returning to work.

Being a SAHM is risky. Being an unmarried SAHM is madness.

The OP said in her first post that they her DP pays the rent, so no home ownership.

There aren’t many classes where we live. I went to a couple at the church, but no one really seemed to talk to each other, and some of the people already seemed to know each other. It felt horrible:/

Those are completely normal working hours. A standard 9-5 with an hour commute.

Maternity leave is often a massive shock because the mother life changes enormously and she is at home looking after the baby, but the father life doesn't really change as much on a day to day basis.

Could you bring forward your return to work, if baby is 10 months then paid Maternity leave is over and then you will be at work as well.

But this is very normal

I feel unusual now for not finding it awful. My DH is out longer hours than that during the week, comes back mid-way through bedtime and reads a story. Saturday mornings he spends cycling. I do expect him to make time for me to be alone and family time over the weekend too.

I genuinely don't mind it, but I feel my life is full of friends, both ones I had already and new ones I've made through my DC. I work part-time and younger DC is at home with me in the afternoons. We spend a lot of time doing activities, then come home have dinner, flump a bit and do bedtime.

I think if I was alone all the time I'd not like it but we're often with other people. I genuinely enjoy the time I have alone with younger DC most of (but not all!) the time.

I think in-practice OP the thing you can do is to find some activities with other people in a similar position to you. Have a bit of a network which is based around you and your baby. I guess the alternative is to move closer to family again, but that might come with a separate set of issues.

Also if you're on mat leave that is isolating, but will presumably end. Your DC will become better company in-time too !

You are effectively a single parent. The hobby every Saturday is just ridiculous with a young baby. If I were you I would do what is going to make your life easier and where you will have the most help with the baby.

He needs to either quit the hobby. Or you get Sunday off. It also need to be that the minute he comes home he is on duty. Maybe not every day but half the time. He does bath and bed. If this is t acceptable he needs to get you some paid help. Presumably the business is successful he could afford it. Some people are fine with being the sole carer but you are not and it's not fare if you ar unhappy. I found it very hard as it felt like husbands life had not changed since kids. He just got to carry on where as my life was turned upside down and unrecognisable. I think also he needs to realise that if you go back to work, 50% of pick ups and drop offs should fall to him.

I don't have children but I would say the working hours are normal.

But taking half of every Saturday for a hobby when he has a baby and a wife he barely spends time with is not.

Where's your hobby time? Where's your time to go for drinks once a week?

He should be giving you weekend mornings to lie in, not buggering off to golf!

That said you do sound lonely and some of this might be more ok if you had a friend or two to see.

Should I organise the engagement? I’ve started resenting him for that as well- we’ve been together for 6 years now.

He does nothing when it comes to cleaning toys, ordering stuff for baby etc

8-6 is a normal number of hours for a full time worker to be out the house. I understand that it feels longer because you’re a SAHM but surely he did this working routine pre-baby?

The hobby is taking the piss.

I read your post about the catch 22 situation that you’re in. He barely sees baby so isn’t good at looking after him. You are a SAHM so can’t leave baby with him and relax. The problem is that his working hours won’t change so he’s going to remain incompetent for many years to come and you’ll be stuck doing it all.

Legally you can’t move away without dad’s permission. I know he isn’t going to want 50/50 unless his family are local to you and step
in but unless your family live quite close then a court is going tI side with dad if he objects.

Once more- he is NOT my husband.
I started thinking just now that maybe I would be more forgiving if he was (he is working for us etc.)

Just get married, quick trip to registry office and done. Then you have legal protection.

You've already made the permanent emotional commitment of having a baby, you will be in each other lives forever no matter what

OP, you're a SAHM so ordering stuff for your baby and cleaning their toys is something is part of your day to day chores really. And how often do you need to clean toys really?

You're missing your family, you are lonely and bored and seems like you feel your relationship has run it's course so that's where you are at - whether your DP cleans your baby's toys or not is not the issue. If you separate, you'll be doing all this yourself anyway.

You're in a very dangerous situation OP.

What do you want? Realistically, yes, pulling forward the wedding would be ideal - if that's something you still want from him. As otherwise a short marriage really doesn't get you anywhere towards financial stability (assuming UK - if elsewhere, that can be different - eg. Ireland recognises common-law much more if there are kids)

Could you get involved in his company if you can't go back to your old job? It would likely be a tax advantage for you to be on the paperwork anyway.

What I did with mine (before he was an ex, and I kept working at least freelance throughout - although I did burn myself out doing so) was very much like how you handle a toddler. I said that there was the morning stuff, or the bedtime stuff - which did he want to do - and he chose bedtime (he had to be reminded every day, and of course heavily leant on the routine I set up when he was travelling for work) so he did actually have some child responsibilities, and I had a moment when I could take a breath (except what I actually did was clean up). Weekends we had alternating lie-ins - and he took the kids to a sport on his morning (although again, I had to have everything ready for them...)

I will say, that ultimately he became and ex, and this was no small part of why. And the kids don't miss him because he was so un-involved (and still is). And the volume of housework I had to manage went down massively, although the feeling of being trapped increased (can't leave the house once they're asleep without pre-arrangement of a babysitter - but then I rarely did anyway)

It's far from ideal but I don't think comparing yourself to a single Mum is helpful. He is earning a living which I single Mum would also have to do while caring for a child. I wouldn't be happy with your situation though. I do think women in general have to leave the Dad alone to get on with things as hard as that is, if they don't get a chance to figure out their mistakes then they will never learn!

Thank you for this post. I read it and realised that is all true:/

She has said three times she's unmarried

She’s not effectively a single parent, she’s a parent with a partner who works a lot. I am a single parent to a 2 year old who still wakes up twice a night. I would love to have someone to do the nights, even once in a while never mind a couple times a week. I would also love someone else to have some financial responsibility without it all falling to me.

sorry, not meaning to single you out but as someone explained up the thread, it’s very frustrating when people say they are basically a single parent, without understanding what the majority of the stresses of being a single parent are

The point is, you don't feel loved and supported. The ins and outs of his time out of the house are irrelevant. He could be doing the same hours, but showing you love, kindness, support and nurturing a happy relationship. In which case I suspect you'd feel fine about his routine. But it's because he is dismissing your feelings and 'leaving you to it' that you feel (rightfully) resentful and abandoned.
It won't get better. It's much easier to split before the baby gets any older, before they realise what's happening.

I don’t think you answered the question- are you a SAHM or will you be returning to work? I bet you will still spend more time at home even if you are working full time and will therefore pick up more of the home stuff. You need to do something to ensure you get some time for you and that it balances out at times.

My DH works longer hours than me and the majority of the house and kids stuff fall to me. However we have joint assets and I have access to the bank accounts etc and we have enough for me to outsource as much as possible so I don’t end up resentful.

we also had paid childcare when the kids were small

Ok... but my husband is my husband not my partner - so I called him my husband, I didn't refer to yours.

The comparison I made was not between your partner and my husband. It was between how I feel about the situation of being without the parent of my child for a similar amount of time.

I don't see my husband as working for us, I earn an equal amount of money and we split all the household bills equally. I know it is not usual to have a part-time job that pays well enough to do that, but I feel we contribute equally and that's the important thing. He's working whilst I'm looking after our child, or we are both at work. We both provide financially but it takes more hours for him to do that than me. We're both responsible for maintaining our family, financially and otherwise. It was also my (now) DH who wanted to get married, I was less keen after a previous divorce.

It's a bit irrelevant how I feel about my husband's working arrangements or our marital status. You're obviously not happy with yours so you need to change something.

Everyone keeps telling you it's normal working hours, and to me it is pretty standard. My thoughts were about what makes it feel ok to have your partner absent and what doesn't.

To me, it's friendships which make the difference. I can definitely see that without them and a part-time job I'd feel similar to you.

I did read your update about trying groups and not finding people to talk to, I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation - perhaps hang out at the park and chat to people, or try and find a hobby in an evening or something.

If you feel resentful of your partner for your current situation then it's kind of both your problem to deal with. I'd expect mine to discuss with me what changes we could make to enable me to be happier - he surely doesn't want you becoming so unhappy you'd move away and take his baby with you.

It doesn't really matter what's normal for other people. I think the point is the people it's normal for are largely happy with it, or they change it. It matters that you're unhappy with the situation - you sound lonely.

It also matters because if OP is in the UK, she is financially stuffed.

She's not married, so all assets he's accumulating belong to him. She's not working, so not building her own financial stability/pension etc. (please tell me you at least claim child benefit OP). If she splits, she won't be able to move back to her family, as she'll likely have to cover any visitation travel if she can get permission to move anyway, she'll likely be left still with all the childcare, and a pittance of maintenance for the child (especially since he runs his own company) - she's entirely dependent on his goodwill (and that changes rapidly when you stop doing everything they want).

So she needs a plan, yes, she needs to decide what she wants to do, but she needs to walk into it with open eyes, that she is in a very precarious situation.

Sounds rubbish. You and partner are clearly not on the same page. Maybe you both need to sit down and rethink how parenting life is going to work or maybe you would be better apart.

For what’s its worth the real struggle as a single parent is not the childcare. It’s having to do every day and every night always and forever even when you’re sick. It’s not being able to nip to the shop at night when you run out of milk. It’s having your earning potential shot to shit while also having to pay all the bills alone.