AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

Absolutely this. Whether it's normal or not is irrelevant, we have so thoroughly normalised men extracting women's labour and then dismissing them when they dare speak up.

I think the 8-6 is normal. But he does not need to be focussing on a hobby every Saturday for 6 hours. In fact, considering he barely sees his own child, my question would be, why does he want to? He runs the company, so he could certainly delegate better if he wanted to prioritise some early home times, given that he makes time for dinner and drinks once a week. Put simply, he’s a man so people will excuse it, if this was a man talking about his wife… you would get an entirely different opinion.

“Make family time.” Is such a weird thing to me to say to a parent. Does your husband have to set an expectation for you to ‘make family time.” That’s a genuine question.

She said he doesn’t know how to feed his child, how to read his cues, how to look after his own son. If you’re unable to do that as a father.. then you absolutely should spare the 6 hours on a Saturday you spend on yourself to learning how to parent.

Sorry OP but this is NOTHING like what a single mum has to cope with. From my own experience you juggle work and childcare every day. You squeeze in hobbies EOW if you're lucky. You're poor because you work reduced hours and pay childcare and your ex doesn't pay what he might. You go all the childcare in school holidays. You manage all the life admin, nursery, school etc. and take the mental load. You do all the worrying alone. So no, your set up is not remotely the same as that of a single mum.

However, if you need more support then ask for it. Make sure you get some hobby time of your own, and also some family time together. You need to agree an arrangement with DP that suits every member of the family.

I’ve done single parent with absolutely no contact or support from the father, single parenthood with EOW and a small amount of CMS and am now happily married to a DH who works long hours and away. I never felt more rested than when I used to get an entire weekend off ☺️ and working part time, eligible for top ups and any income just going on my own and the kids expenses was the first and last time I could afford to save too and the cleanest tidiest house have ever had, Iwouldn’t swap it for DH who is wonderful and works hard but was definitely easier. I remember when I was a single parent first time assuming my partnered friends had it so much easier but the reality is men rarely share the domestic side of the workload

I’d fucking complain OP.

The Monday-Friday is normal working hours so it’s reasonable. The working away once a month, not sure what line of work he is in but can’t always be helped, particularly if he is the company owner.
The weekend hobby sounds excessive. Unless you’re also getting the same time to yourself, he either needs to reduce this or you need to be taking the same time.

I think you’re just lonely. I felt the same on my second maternity leave. I’d recommend going to as many classes as you can, meet some mum friends to spend some time with. If you’re returning to work, it gets easier once routing is established again and you have some adult company.

Great post.

My DH did similar hours and also travelled away at times, but when he was at home he was an engaged and thoughtful parent.

I still felt lonely, isolated and overwhelmed often. I had a few friends but most were at work.

I think there are so many nuances to every family dynamic that you can't compare.

I went back to work when my LO was 9 months old, we needed the income, we live rurally so I also felt my LO would benefit socially.

I did all the nights, I wanted my OH to be rested for travelling to and from work the next day.

However, from about 6 months, we have made sure we have roughly equal amounts of "me time", and we also make sure we have a balanced amount of family time.

It's really important that your partner starts spending more time with his child. Even if he eats later instead of standing in the kitchen for 30 minutes. Taking turns for bath time, and sharing bed time duties.

Him not knowing how to prepare a bottle, etc. is a "him" problem. He'll learn soon enough! Head out for a couple of hours at the weekend and he'll soon figure it out. If he can run a successful business, he can do this.

If I was to be cynical, it sounds like weaponised incompetence.

My partner and I are also not married, but will be doing the paperwork for a civil partnership when we pull our fingers out. It protects us both if something happens to one of us.

Overall, it sounds like a conversation you guys need to sit down and have.

Voted YABU because this is not at all what being a single parent is like, but I agree it's tough, to the extent that I left my DS's father because of his continued absence.

I voted YABU and came to say the same thing as the poster before me. Being a single parent is when nobody comes home…ever. And nobody helps you with the bills…ever.

However, I do think your husband gets an excessive amount of time to his hobbies and to himself in the evenings and I think you should also be able to get time to yourself. It doesn’t sound like he is being a supportive partner to you. I can imagine that it is difficult parenting alone most of the time and I can see why you would be stressed out about it.

It was like this for me when our children were at home, but it was also the same for my friends. We were home makers and were mainly in charge of raising our children and our husbands were the high earning providers. I'm sure my husband would have been okay with me going back to work, but we were both (mainly) happy with our traditional roles. I was able to pursue hobbies and made close friends and was never bored at home and feel privileged to have been able to raise our children myself. That wouldn't work for some people, but, looking back, we made the right choice for us.

@turnedoutbadly But you are fully financially supported by your husband? I won't discuss your marital situation as lots of people have already talked about it.

At 10 months we were BOTH back at work. I worked four days, he worked four days, baby in nursery three days a week. On his work days he got up at 5:30, had a shower, made me breakfast, packed the baby's bags, woke the baby up, gave the baby breakfast and changed him (and played with him) while I got ready. And then we all left together. Even if you are at home, it's entirely possible for him to do these things.

On my day off, when he got home, dinner was done, but he took the baby straight away so I could have some down time and he has done bedtime and bath on most days. He can stand around eating, but then hand the baby to him and go out. Go for a walk, go for a bath and let him do the entire beditme routine repeatedly on his own.

You have low expectations of him and he's rising to meet the lowest bar possible. He cannot change your daytime loneliness. But make sure that in the mornings and after work he is fully 100% committed to raising the baby. It may not be EXACTLY how you do it. He may make mistakes. But if you keep jumping in to correct him, then he's also never going to learn.
I don't see why asking 'can the baby have tuna' is a gross error. He didn't know, he asked. He sounds like a useless dad, but you are also to some extent enabling his weaponised incompetence.

But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

It is only in the UK where the village is dead and people have isolated themselves to their 2+2 units that people have been told to believe this. In most of the countries in the world the village is still alive and it's absolutely natural for a new mom to be supported and seek support. Is entirely unnatural to be alone like this, but we are told to believe this by the modern isolationist and corporate culture.
Go to your family and don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Four months? Who took care of your baby? Very, very few women have finances to do so, esp. in the UK.

Firstly, you are nothing like a single mum. There is nothing more irritating to us actual single mums when someone who has a partner (working and earning money) compares themself to someone who is parenting alone. Secondly, I do feel YABU about your husband working, however YANBU to be pissed off that your husband spends so much time doing his hobbies. He needs to step up evenings and weekends.

This was my situation with my first child, and the second too. They do this because they can't handle family life. He was very good when he was there but it caused alot of resentment. Yea it's probably pretty normal but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. You are unhappy and should say so. If you have said so and he does nothing see how he feels about you leaving him and going back to your parents. I bet the hobby ceases pretty quickly or at least gets toned down

Entirely depends. My best friend is a single mum, however, her mother does the school pick up every day and has them for a couple of hours after school. Her ex has the kids one evening per week (picks them up from school & takes them the following morning) and every other weekend. He takes them away for 2 weeks in the summer and for extra days/ weekends over half terms etc. Arguably she gets more free time than OP. And the dad is far more involved than the OP’s even though they’re separated.

The mom to Friday seems normal. I’m assuming (hoping) he does the bath to spend time with his child?

I think for now he needs to either spend less time on the hobby or stop for now. He needs to prioritise.

If he runs his own company, then to be honest this doesn’t sound particularly unusual to me. My best friend is married to someone who runs his own business and he’s rarely home before the children’s bedtime. She works part-time, but he’s the main breadwinner and works extremely long hours.

He even rents office space so he can do all the paperwork, invoices, accounts etc. away from home, because he just can’t concentrate on that properly with children, noise and constant interruptions around him.

The best thing my cousin did was go back to work part-time because it gave her something outside of being with the children all day and gave her a bit of a break too. She’s planning to go back full-time once the youngest starts school.

I do think long hours can unfortunately come with running your own company, especially when the household is relying heavily on that income. The one thing I would insist on, though, is that you get the equivalent time for yourself that he gets. If he gets a night out, you should get one too.

And if you can, I’d definitely try some baby or toddler groups as well. Even just meeting a few other mums and having people to talk to during the week can make things feel a lot less isolating.

no offence but that is absolutely not the life of a single mother, i would say it’s very much the typical life of a family with a baby when one is on maternity leave.
my husband works much much longer hours, I’m on my own with baby 95% of the time - do I love it, no - but is it the way my life is - yes. I work full time too and it’s actually easier, I think you’re adjusting to your new normal and it can be so hard when you’re home alone with a baby for most of the day, but it does get better when you’re back to work and baby is bigger x

It’s so different for you because you’re not married so you are contributing your labour but you don’t stand to benefit from your sacrifices whilst he works all these hours.

The working hours are completely normal for someone full time. This is also the case is both parents work full time and the baby has to go to nursery. My DS was nursery full time from 10 months. I always wanted to spend more time with him but we had to pay the bills. He was very happy.

The 8-2pm hobby every single week would be annoying. A couple of hours, sure, but 6 hours every week when you have 2 days. I think that’s something that needs to be parked for a while. My DH did cricket on Sundays but eventually stopped as took the whole day. It doesn’t stop forever just whilst they are really young as younger kids are harder work than older ones imho.

However I think you’re simply lonely. You need to put yourself out there to meet friends. There will be apps etc to meet mums I. The local area.

You also need to sort your financial situation out. You need to ensure financial independence and have a very serious conversation with him about that. This imho should be your number one priority before all else. You sound quite unhappy but financially you’re entirely dependant on him which makes you super vulnerable. If you ever want to leave it’s becoming harder and harder. Either work part time (pay for the child care) or sit down and discuss your access to finance or company because your job as a SAHM is just as important. Are you ensuring pension credits etc?

Also you are enabling him to be clueless with the baby. You mention worried he doesn’t know the routine. So what? Tell him what it is and leave the house. The baby won’t die if she eats 20 minutes out of routine. He will figure it out. A lot of mums do this. Moan they aren’t contributing them don’t let them and that becomes routine. Hand the baby over and go out.

My husband leave the house around 7:15 and drops our daughter (14m) at nursery. He usually picks her up on his was home from work (5pm) or occasionally I’ll do it. We alternate bath times, as it’s such hard work because she’s so tired when she’s at home, so it’s a lot of tears. Who ever doesn’t do bath, does dinner (although I prefer to cook).

Weekends, if we are home we usually try to spend time together and do a morning breakfast on Sundays which DH usually sets the table for. If one of us is busy, wants to do something like exercise or garden etc we will try and alternate so we can get some time to ourselves. We also try to do a dog walk as a family.

I think the long hours are normal in the week, although does he strictly have to be out the house every day if it’s his own business? I guess it depends on what is work is. As for the work drinks, I’d say weekly is too much but once a month would be fine…

As for the weekends, you should really put your foot down imo. It’s not ok that he is spending hours doing is own hobby. When do you get time for yourself? Especially if you’re planning to go back to work, it wouldn’t be fair for him to continue to spend every Saturday doing his own thing.

Have you made any mum friends and go to baby classes? I didn’t really make any friends as such during my mat leave but I did go to classes every other day to help keep my sanity. I miss it now I am back at work, but also enjoy having my breakfast in peace and not cleaning the house so much.