AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

The OP already feels unsupported and lonely by the sound of it. Think before you write.

Totally normal but unmanageable if your going back to work

I agree with this.

This is not being unreasonable to accept a bit more support (or time off to do something for yourself).
You are for the most part a single parent so it would be a real shame if your DH can't meet you somewhere in the middle.

X

Do you get any time off? I know people say it's normal when you have a sprog, but they're lying if they say you need to be 'on' 24/7.

Do you get any time with just your husband? Or does he take your marriage for granted? Resentment tends to set in and very had to come back from.

OP, 6 years together and not married?
Why have a baby without it?
You could not be more vulnerable.
You cannot give up work.
You need an income.

Talk to your family and see if they can help you.

You have had a child with a single man who is making damn sure you do not share assets.

You are not a team.
He is living his life as a single man and you need to wake up to the fact that you are so vulnerable.
You need to hang on to that job.
He needs to pay for childcare.
Don't be one bit surprised if he would rather you make yourself even more vulnerable by being a sahm.

Why do posters continuously refer to a DH when you have repeatedly stated you are NOT MARRIED.

You are renting.
HE has a business.

OP has no rights to anything and there are no shared assets.

Could she be more vulnerable?

Are there any Mother & Baby/Toddler groups in the area?
How far away are your family?
Go spend a couple of days with them, if you can. Maybe when he's away ..or invite some to stay.
It can be isolating for Mothers, support and friendship are imperative.

I notice you didn’t answer all that. I think you’re in a very precarious situation. You have no security. This man sounds very uninterested and not committed to you and the baby. My guess is it won’t last very long if you don’t get things sorted out and talk to him honestly about how things are and encourage him to get involved with the baby, to sit down together having a meal and chats. If things improve get yourself married and get your name on everything. Good luck.

No. She is not. You’ve clearly no idea of the difference between being a lone parent being a SAHM. She is financially secure, has adult interaction in the evenings and weekends, she’s not alone and having to do everything 24/7.

Only read OP's posts.
Do you love him and work together as a couple?
Do you share the ups and downs of every day life?
Communicate during the day either about important things or mundane stuff?
If so then it's not at all comparable to being a single parent.
The partner being absent in person doesn't necessarily mean it's not a good relationship - it depends on why they are absent of course.

Not having a partner to e.g call if your child is suddenly unwell, or if your car breaks down, or you lose your bank card - that's what being a single parent is like (unless they have a very good co-parenting relationship where you can still lean on them for personal support).

As others have said being out the house 8-6 is normal. My husband works away at least a week a month. Don’t make the mistake I made once and he invited his Mum to help, she didn’t it was more stressful , I’d rather just keep to my routine.

Working to late once home isn’t he needs to learn to manage time keeping.
My husband hobby is an outlet for him so providing it’s fair and not impacting the family life totally. He’s a better person for having that outlet same for me.

You need to allow him to step up and be part of the child’s routine, you’ve already saying he failed as he doesn’t know this or doesn’t do it exactly the way you want. That probably made him feel a little crap. My husband doesn’t do it the same way but he does care and has the best interests. I wouldn’t allow him to opt out by being incompetent. He can run a business he can look after a child.

Take some time for you ensure the weekend it balanced.

& as your not married, don’t give up your career make sure you have pensions and savings in place.

It's not unusual for a working mother or father. I've had longer work days that that, I wasn't doing a hobby on Saturday but I was looking after DC alone whilst DH worked. We'd usually have alternate Saturday evenings out with friends whilst the other watched the DC. The difference is we had friends and family and were both working so didn't feel like we were alone or needed extra support. Your life does sound very lonely and some serious consideration about moving back to your home town sounds like a good idea.

If you're fairly sure that the relationship is over, then the most sensible thing would be to separate, move back home to where your family live and put in a claim for CM. Especially if your family will be around to support you and help with childcare when you go back to work. Family support is usually much more reliable for a single mum than an uninterested and spiteful ex.

Yes, he could potentially go to court to stop you, but it would be much harder to get an order retrospectively if you've already moved and he doesn't sound interested enough in the baby that he'd bother. Any order would apply to the baby not to you (so you couldn't be ordered to move back), and the idea of him being main carer with those hours and frequent travelling is ludicrous anyway.

I've not been in your situation, but I did spend large chunks of my maternity leave at my parents' house when my husband was working all hours or working away so I had company and support with the baby.

You need a reality check. He won’t marry you. You’re a fairly cheap housekeeper and nanny. This baby was a fantasy of yours, a dream that it would cement your relationship. It won’t. SIX YEARS and he won’t marry you. Come on!! For your own self-worth and dignity! You are worth more and so is your daughter. Ask him to get married if you want to stay together or split up, get a job and share 50/50 custody. Don’t spend any of your own money. Save, save, save. You’re likely to need it. Learn from the mistakes of others, he’ll not give you his money. Easy tests: marriage? Is he paying into a pension for you this year?

I can see both sides. You’re entitled to feel like you do but equally it is needed that he supports you both so he’s working out of the home whilst you’re also working in it.

I don’t think this would be as big an issue if you had your village. Not sure how far away home is but rather than hitting the nuclear button, couldn’t you just go home for 4-5 days a month, start going to groups to get out more and if he does his hobby Saturdays let him have a day with the wee one on Sundays. Let that be your day to go be free.

He likely is feeling unappreciated and confused as in his mind he’s providing and stepping up by working hard.

You are equally as valid in feeling alone and like you are isolated, doing the vast majority on the home front.

It does get easier and once your maternity leave is over you might also welcome some PT work.

Well done for getting this far, you aren’t imagining the exhaustion, stamina and hard work you’ve put in this last 10 months.

I think the weekdays situation is fairly normal for someone running his own company though I would imagine he could have more flexibility, being the boss - like, he could come home at lunch, wfh a bit to free up some time with you, this sort of thing. But I dont know what he does so maybe its not a possibility.

Weekly drinks are sort of ok - depending on whether this is something his work requires (like for socialising, entertaining clients ect). Weekends away are harder to justify - but again, depends on what he does, who he does it with etc.

The bottom line is - one of the main benefits of working for yourself is that you can organise your own time. He is organising his time to avoid spending it with you and the child. However, he might have no choice - if he is required to be at work all the time, or if its a reasonably new company and he needs to work all hours.

But your DH is providing for you at spend some time with the child, so he is not entirely absent. Maternity generally does feel like being on your own, and it gets better after your child starts nursery and you can go back to work. In the meantime, get to know other mums.

You need to wise up and fast.

You’re financially vulnerable
Your partner is a future faker.. who paints a picture of the rosy future but in reality, diest do what he says
He spends as much time away from you both as he can
He has made no effort to get to know your baby, or step up as a responsible father so you can have some time to yourself
He doesn’t care that you are isolated and alone
You are ‘at war’ with him and there is no intimacy.

Go back to your friends and family. You’ll be better off emotionally.. and financially he will have to pay maintenance.

Don’t compare thistle to being a single mum you have sometime that pays the rent and someone that presumably would be there in an emergency.

This poster makes some good points. OP if you feel like a single parent now it will get a lot harder when you are one. If you do split wouldn’t be the first time DP meets someone else, marries her and you’re left holding the baby. Literally. So many SAHMs leave themselves incredibly vulnerable to future hardship and poverty by not being smart and insisting on security. The situation as is, is highly precarious with OP having little to no rights even if they do split. Him not washing baby toys the least of the issues.

I’ve been a single parent, and a parent with a partner. There are similarities and differences, and tbh I found the similarities were greater than the differences. Regardless, you are a mother, but that doesn’t need to define you. It doesn’t mean that you have to give up every aspect of your life, and force yourself to become someone different. You have choices to make. You can decide to carry on as you are, and frankly “feel hard done by” and end up resenting your partner. You can move back to be nearer to your family, but believe me that isn’t usually as simple as it sounds. They have their own lives to lead, and you’d be co parenting with the babies father, which can be a minefield in and of itself. Or you concentrate on building a life of your choosing, where you are. You could return to work, if that’s what you want to do. Or you can start socialising and building a network of friends and support around you. Parent and baby groups are a good way to start. Don’t just “attend” them, offer to help out. If you’re not comfortable approaching groups of people who already know each other, look out for those who are also new, and speak to them. As your child grows, you will meet other mums at the nursery, preschool, school pickups. Don’t beat yourself up about the house being “perfect”, housework will keep. Make time for “you”. Keep up your old hobbies, start new ones. Tell your partner that you need some respite, ask him to share the load. Suggest alternating Saturday mornings, with hobbies/ baby. Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. He can’t do much about his work hours - they are not excessive, but he can certainly do more to support you when he’s at home. Don’t dash around doing all the mundane household chores when baby goes to bed. Spend time with your partner, if necessary do the chores together. Don’t lose sight of being partners, in the fog of being “parents”.
On a side note, it’s quite “normal” for men to find children more “interesting” as they get a bit older. It doesn’t absolve them of sharing the work when baby is small, but I have no doubt that he’ll “enjoy it” more in a few months.

This is the danger. If you don't have the full support of a reliable partner/husband who is committed to providing for your family financially because he recognises that you carry most of the caring burden and your earning potential is limited as a result, then you need to move to where you have family support.

The single mothers I know who are doing ok financially are those who either were married and received fair asset splits when their relationships ended or who have family support to make their working lives easier. It's hard doing everything yourself with no support.

"He was travelling in the past too, but nothing compared to how it looks now."

So are you saying that his working hours have changed dramatically in the ten months since you've had the baby? I'm sorry OP but I rather doubt that. I think you've gone into this with your eyes shut and had a baby because you thought it would be a romantic dream and he'd possibly marry you. As for his working hours and business trips, yes this is normal. And no, you are not comparable to a single parent. But I do think you are now realising what a vulnerable position you're in.

You're not unreasonable to feel this way but it is a normal schedule for a lot of people. I work in a professional environment at a level I'm supposed to bring in leads and network. I've basically just accepted I won't progress over the next few years if I want to spend time with my daughter... But realistically I work with a lot of parents who do make that sacrifice and are going out one evening a week to network etc. As a business owner I imagine that would be very important and the business trips are normally non-negotiable in a lot of roles. I think everything work related is unfortunately something you have to accept and support...if not then you have to have an open chat as a couple and talk about how you're going to rebalance and change your lifestyles so he can pull back but he may, rightly, not want to do that. Are you going to return to work? Because both my husband and I work full time so we don't ever get this feeling and weekends we sort of do shifts on parenting to give each other free time and the rest of the time is family time.

I don't see any mention of love, passion, companionship or friendship. What was it like before the baby came, how did he make time for you before? Did he do less evening things, less working away, less Saturday mornings without you?
Do you want the relationship to work (not just for the sake of the child)?

In terms of what's normal. The working hours are. But what are the weekly evenings out? Friends or clients or an excuse? If he's not taking time to chill and change for 10mins and then get stuck in when he's back from work its not ideal. My husband sometimes cooks, we both are involved in the childcare and bedtimes and the settling to bed part we also swap. The bottle in the night is irrelevant if he's up anyway.

Working evenings and not spending them with you shows he's just focused on work (if thats what he's doing). He might think he's providing but providing is more than money. What was his childhood like? Is he repeating what he was raised like thinking this is good? If yes maybe he needs education and for you to really talk to him, therapy even? Or is the damage done to the relationship, has he killed it?

Does he have to be office based every day? Is working from home once a week not doable so you can free up some commute time?

The Saturday morning hobby for me is excessive. Maybe once or twice a month but given the age of the child and the fact you are isolated to me its not good enough. Where is the quality time? Where is giving you a break? Do you do nice things on the 1 and a bit days you get together? Days out? Weekends or nights away? Where are his family?

The working hours in the week are normal but he doesn't sound particularly nice.

I wouldn't want to bring up a child with no family or friends around but a lot of people on here do. I valued my time with them and them helping me out occasionally so I'd be inclined to move back.

Haven’t RTFT. My DH worked 4 hours away Monday - Friday from DD being 4 weeks old. Both families lived abroad. I didn’t consider myself to be anything like a single parent.

He changed jobs when she was 18 months old and would finish work around 6-7pm. DD was (is) a night owl and didn’t go to bed till around midnight so DH had plenty of time with her.

I started a business at the end of my mat leave and was working full time around her from 13 months. I’ve had a job that takes me away 50% of the time since she was 8 (she’s now 16) and DH has never considered himself to be anything like a single parent either.

You, my dear, have it fairly easy. Presumably your boyfriend’s work pattern was like this before you got pregnant so you knew what you were getting into. It honestly doesn’t sound that tough at all.

Agree with others that doing this whilst unmarried was incredibly foolish.