AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

He could get a court order to prevent you moving his child away, although he currently doesn't bother parenting. It's on the parent who moves away to do all the travelling to facilitate the child having 50/50 contact.
Would you be able to afford housing and bills by yourself?

I agree the working time is normal, amd probably the ops life is normal, but I would say it's a shame that that is the case. That's only my opinion though. Some may be happy.
But I do understand why the op is not happy.

This

What were his work hours like before you had a baby?

It doesn't sound great. He needs to stop his weekend hobby for a start. When do you get a break / lie in / gym session?

Tbh he sounds like a dismissive prick expecting you to do it all alone. Do you have any baby or toddler groups in the week?

What happens on the other weekend day? Do you get the chance for a lie in/go out for a bit/a hobby? It sounds pretty usual though. Are you planning to go back to work?

You are not being unreasonable about your feelings but you do have a responsibility to set things up for yourself to a degree too.

You need your own hobbies and interests, they are so important at this phase of life. There are tonnes of things you can bring small babies to at this stage and you will quickly realise that baby yoga or Mum and baby yoga are for the Mums not the babies who couldn’t care a jot.

Go along ask the similarly placed mothers to grab a coffee after.

Then on Sunday leave for the same time as your DH does on Saturdays.

Do this for the wellbeing of your husband and child as much as for yourself. Your DH needs to become more hands on before he shares his wisdom on how others do parenting.

Many men who do almost no parenting wonder what women are complaining about until their time doing it comes around.

Normal work time I'm afraid. Hobby is fine providing you get the Sunday free for a hobby. When ds2 was 2amd ds1 7, I was olthe one out of the house these times and longer and away at least 1 night per week. It paid the bills!

My DH worked away all week when our kids were small - and I had 5! He was home weekends and was hands on then. Our kids are all adults now and he has a great relationship with all of them. He worked hard so I could stay at home and take care of them. I just accepted this as it's the nature of his job.

My dad left the house at 6.30am for work and didn't get home til 7.30pm so I often didn't see him much in the week. I think it was pretty normal, most of my friends dad's worked long hours or shifts.

Are you getting out and seeing friends in the day, taking baby to groups etc? It's easy to feel isolated when you're home with a baby all day and craving some adult company.

It wouldn't suit me, so we tried very hard to set our lives up differently to that. DH and I each work three days a week - we have four children and the youngest is starting nursery soon, so things might change in terms of taking on more hours.

I think the key things are -

Do you also get leisure time of your own?

Also very insensitive of him to basically say 'suck it up' - he has no idea how tough it can be.

I think it's unreasonable to say you're like a single mum (I've been there and it is NOT the same). But very reasonable to want to live closer to family support/networks.

There are people that are employed working longer hours than that.

Blessing that he's his own boss, but with that comes all the behind the scenes work that needs seeing to.

I became a lone parent when my children were 3 and 6, my household income tanked so I was constantly worried about money, I also had to juggle childcare drop offs and pick ups around my work commitments, all the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, bath times and bedtimes, and hectic mornings getting two small children dressed and ready and out the door, all fell to me. No one else was ever there to provide practical support, and no one was around to discuss any concerns I had about the children.

Thats being a lone parent.

With all due respect you are not dealing with the things a lone parent deals with, you are just married to a man who works long hours. I understand it’s intense, and not the ‘white picket fence’ experience of parenting that we hope for, but unless you are going to go to work so your DH can employ someone to help run the business and spend more time at home, (could he not employ you so that you can spend time together and he can have more time at home?) then I don’t see a practical solution.

WE ARE NOT MARRIED

He comes home around 6pm, but then spends about 30 minutes standing in the kitchen eating. During that time, he keeps asking, “When is bath time?” because he knows the baby goes to sleep after his bath. So realistically, he doesn’t really take over when he gets home.
He then works again after the baby goes to sleep, often until 2–3am.

One thing I didn’t mention before is that we do share the nights. I do one night with the baby and he does the next, as the baby currently has one feed during the night. But honestly, the nights aren’t really an issue for him because he is already awake working until 2–3am anyway.

I also can’t join him on Saturdays because I have no one to leave the baby with.
Technically, I could take some time for myself on Sundays, but even that is stressful because he doesn’t really know the baby’s routine, his cues, etc. He has never once prepared or heated his food.
He forgets things like his water bottle or hat when taking him out, even during a heatwave, he asks stupid questions like: can baby eat tuna. And when I leave them alone and come back, he is very often on his phone (although he makes sure not to be on it when I’m around).
So even when I technically could have some time away, I don’t feel like I can actually switch off because I’m still worried about whether everything is being done properly.

And one more important point: we are not married. The company is entirely his, and I have no ownership or financial interest in it. So when he says he is working so much because he is building “our” future, that doesn’t really feel like the full picture to me. It is his company, his career and ultimately his asset — while I am the one carrying the majority of the day-to-day childcare.

I think his working hours are completely fine, being home by 6pm is pretty good and not leaving until 8am. Are the dinner/drinks once a week a must do part of his job. The only niggle I'd have would be his Saturday morning job which seems lengthy. Though maybe when he comes home, you'd then have time for yourself.

Do you get out and about during the weekdays to meet friends/playgroups/walks. etc. It can make the days pass quicker.

Have you plans to return to work?

Even if I went back to work, he wouldn’t stop working or work any less, so it wouldn’t actually change how much time he has available to spend with the baby. And the reality is that the baby is sick constantly. Where we live, there are also very limited baby classes or activities available, so it’s not like I have lots of options to take him to things during the day.

Even if I went back to work when he was 10 months old, we would have had to pay for childcare, and again, we have no family here who could help with that.

It sounds like he works hard and very long hours.
do you jointly own your home and do you usually work?
it sounds like he is willing to look after the baby but he doesn’t do it to your standard?
are you going back to work? Could you afford to join a gym with a Creche?
lots of questions but they all make a difference to if you are being unreasonable or not.

Op this is very important.

Are you on mat leave (IE are you going back to work in a few weeks)?
Are you married to this man?
If not, are you named on the house deeds?

If you are a SAHM, unmarried with no legal ownership of your house then you are in a very very vulnerable position and if your partner is acting so dismissively about your feelings then even more so. He could throw you out at any moment.

I hope I'm wrong.

Get back to work, secure your future and independence. He is free to treat you as badly as he wants if you are trapped and you have zero leverage or power. He may be a perfectly nice guy but it would be very easy to slip into the 'i earn all the money so make all the decisions' mindset.

It's not uncommon but if this is not a life you can be happy in, you should feel free to change it. Your baby's health will be linked to your well-being and feeling connected is an important part of that.

I think the time at work is very normal but I do sympathise- it is a big adjustment to feel isolated and be the one who is literally left holding the baby. As others have said, try to build on this new life - join groups, go for walks, take your baby swimming etc. Sone of these things might not be what you’re used to but you’ll meet people and won’t feel that you’re just waiting for your DH to get home.

Where I think you are being unreasonable is comparing your situation to being a single parent. Many single parents have all the responsibilities, all the decisions and all the workload. No one is coming through that door to help. Many of us also had to juggle working as we had to pay the bills. I found the hardest bit was not having anyone who cared as much as I did to talk things through with. I know that this isn’t everyone’s experience and I hope many co parent better.

It sounds as though you need to have a conversation with your DH and make sure you can have more things to look forward to, perhaps trips to visit your family.

I know it sometimes feels like time is going really slowly when your DC are little but everyone told me how that time goes really fast and that was definitely my experience.

No I don’t think this is anything like being a single parent. The hours are fairly standad.

i don’t think one evening a week or half a weekend day is particularly excessive. Having read your update I’d suggest leaving him to it (he’ll soon learn) and take sometime for you. It’s ok if he does things differently and doesn’t mean they are wrong

I think OP the best thing for you is to return to work and build your own financial independence. Then both of you will need to split childcare drop-offs and pick up's and then you will be pretty much 50/50 with the time you spend with your child.

I don't think you can do anything about working at home late at night because he's building a business and he has to put the hours in and he's also doing his share of the night wakings which you seem dismissive of.

You need to get over feeling wary of leaving your baby with him - he will cope just fine and will soon find his feet with it.

Honestly leave, he doesn’t seem to add anything to your or your baby’s lives.

You do not feel like a single mother because you do not have sole financial responsibility for yourself and your child, which is quite a big part of being a parent.

We are renting.